'struggling to get a 7 year old girl to eat

[supermoll]

I am beginning to feel totally inadequate as a mother. Surrounded by information on how to prevent obese children I am the mother of the thinnest 7 year old child I ever see.

I spend so much time trying new recipes, copying things other people do and reading helpful books and then spend hours in tears at my totaly inability to interest my daughter in food.

She is so thin it is painful to look at her and we spend so much time negotiating food that it is beginning to dominate our lives. At the swimming pool or out with friends I am mortified at her stick thin limbs. Staying with friends recently one of the other children even commented on it.

Does anyone have any ideas? Super foods? Health drinks to build up? Anything?

Is your dd generally healthy and does she have plenty of energy? If so, you may be worrying unnecessarily. Some kids are just naturally scrawny at that age.

But what are the negotiations for? Does she resist eating? What sort of things does she like?

Well I always used to say proudly that she was very fit but this winter she has had one cold / cough after another so I'm not sure.
Yes, she has masses of energy and literally doesn't sit still all day. But she still looks so much thinner than everyone else, unhealthily thin.

The negotiations are to get her to eat any food, even fun food like at parties. She is just totally uninterested in eating at all. The only thing she will eat is pasta but even resists the sauce (except pesto!) but I just feel there isn't much goodness in plain pasta. Oh, and apples, she will always eat those!

Slop some butter into the pasta. Undetectable and loads a few calories in.

will try that! thanks!

my 8 yr old is similar, has been fussy since she was 3 but it has got worse and worse. We put her on to school dinners for a while, and hoping she would get over it, but she developed a complex about being watched when she ate instead. We started sitting her in front of a dvd to eat her tea with and she concentrates more on the dvd than on her food and tends to eat more this way. I am still very limited on what i can give her, but dinner time is a lot less stressful.

don't feel bad about it, but do try and take the stress out of meal times. Stress inhibits appetite so won't do either of you any favours. My dh and I now sit down to a peaceful meal with wine or candles and my dd is starting to want to join in with it, so I think/hope it is working.

I'm no expert but I really worry about my dd ending up with an eating disorder, so I am prepared to feed her what she will eat, and hope she grows out of it than pressure her and give her a problem for life! I tried build up and the like, but my dd had it a couple of times before deciding to make a battle out of that too. honestly, how many kids refuse chocolate milkshake for lunch?

Yes, I've tried the school dinners and the TV / DVD's and it doesn't help. It's just one more distraction from the food. I agree about worrying about eating disorder and I don't want food to become (more of!!) a battleground. And yes, we get refusals on treats, milkshakes, puddings, even pizza!!!

Good to know there are other people going through the same issue.

lol at the pizza, it was a fall back for me for ages, then dd decided that she would only eat the schools pizza. She will also eat her granny's brocolli, but not mine.

have you tried eggy bread? my dd has it with honey on, but it at least gets some egg into her.

My DD1 is very much like this. You can get some build up shakes from the doctors on prescription, they contain lots of vitamins and iron, so at least you know she is getting what she needs. We used to let he have one after dinner so it wouldn't spoil her appetite as they are filling. The name of the product was Fortisip extra by Nutricia.

By the sounds of it, she is ether just taking some form of control in her life or is actually enjoying getting all this extra attention from mum.
Your best bet is to change how you deal with meal times.
Cook up a meal and give it to her. DONT say anything, just let her choose to eat it. Prase her if she eats, but dont comment if she doesnt (even if its not been touched).
She will take time to change, but making a fuss about what she hasnt eaten will cause more harm than good.
Just remember you are being a reasponsable and good mother by providing your daughter with a healthy and balance meal. BUT is her job to eat it.
also dont give her any snacks. This was she sould be hungry for meal times and more willing to eat.
she will not starve herself! she is eating something to survive.
It is hard knowing they havent eating much food, but the less pressure you put on her, the more confident she will feal.
Good luck, this is a hard road, but it works!

i'm so glad i have boys - there are 3 threads on here at the mo all with girls who won't eat. my teenage niece is the same - hardly anthing in my fridge she would touch. does it help if you all sit down together and eat the same food? my SIL panders to their wims - i think this is why my niece is so fussy. tehy will only make a battle out of eating if you make a fuss.

could you encourage your daughter to cook? mine have a great jamie olive pancake recipe at the moment - 1 mug sr flour, 1 mug milk, 1 egg

Its not just girls - my friend's son is very fussy - and its very hard not to put pressure on him to try foods.

He often "eats" here at my house but I'm at the stage of giving up trying to find out what he does like, because I'm realising its not a case of liking or disliking the food, but of getting attention and/or control over what goes in his mouth.

For my own kids I go for a tiny portion of everything, even if it is a "disliked" food. If they can't manage that then they are obviously "not hungry enough for pudding".

And I've never met a kid that won't eat pudding.

However with his mother here it is her rules - she will spoon feed him etc (and he's 8!) and let him get away with all sorts of shenanigans.

All good thoughts (though mine doesn't eat pudding either!). I am going to try MuddyMamma's approach - appealing mostly because I won't have to keep cooking things. Not sure I can manage the "don't say anything" bit but will try!!!

I think you are right about the control bit. I am better at weekends but on school days I worry more ...........and how can't she be hungry after not eating from 6pm to 8am???!!!! It's all part of the guilt bit from TV documentaries about rubbish mothers who send their children to school with no food!

But maybe it is an attention thing since she will often eat something at a friend's house and then not eat it when I cook exactly the same thing (sometimes after having checked the wrapping in the bin to make sure I get the same brand - how sad am I!!!)

How about buying some multi-vit powder this one is very good and sprinkle it on to her plain pasta (and mix it up to hide it etc)?

At least you know then that's she's getting some nutrients.

It's very hard isn't it.

I like the sound of that - sounds good for making sure nutrients are getting in. But I do also want to stop food being a battle ground.

Day 1 of the new approach went well - I bit my lip and said nothing and made no comment when food was left. Today she came home from school saying she was hungry!!! That's a first! Tried again presenting food and not commenting - but then failed and couldn't resist an attempt at persuading! Baby steps as they say............

oh very well done!
I know it's hard but I wonder if it's similar to something I went through as a child......my parents were obsessive religious people and I constantly felt pounced on and was desperate for it to 'go away'. Is it possible that she perceives you as being obsessed with food and she's finding the whole thing quite cringy?

A friend of mine was dreadful with her first DC and as a result her DC ate nothing and the whole thing was so painful to watch.

Can you save washing up /dishwasher jobs for when she's eating (if you're not eating together) to give her some space / leave healthy snacks out on a plate all the time / eat together BUT DO NOT TALK ABOUT FOOD!! It's like 'don't mention the war!

I totally agree with muddymamma, take the negative emotion out meal times.

Fulfil your role by cooking healthy tasty meals, then let her control what she eats.

Try and get her involved with the cooking side of it to, this really helps.

And eat with her when you can, I sometimes lay the table and let dd put on a party dress then we pretend we are in a really posh restaurant.

Also, put the food out in dishes so she can help herself, much better than a meal being plonked in front of her.

........what is so interesting about all your comments is that I begin to see that a lot of what I have done to date has just exaggerated the problem - stickers, rewards, penalties, money (oh, the shame!!). Our household has begun to revolve around the "food" issue.

Last night an extraordinary thing happened. DH and I were eating pasta about 8.30pm and DD appeared from upstairs claiming to be hungry. Initially we told her to go back to bed but then relented and she then sat down and ate a whole plate of pasta!!!!!!!!!! I tried very hard to look uninterested but I was flabbergasted! She then calmly took herself back to bed and went to sleep. (While I pinched myself in amazement!)

The weekend looms - will update you on progress after!

...........should have asked Mumsnetters sooner!

Supermoll so glad you have had success.

That is fantastic news.

It will be hard but you are already seeing the improvement when you are stepping back from the food issue. Keep up the good work!

Meant to suggest also to try and eat meals together as a family at the table as much as possible.

Try some 'fun' meals like fajitas or tacos where dishes are put in the middle and everyone helps themselves, plus eating with hands can be fun.

Let her choose a recipe she would like to try, even by searching online.

That is fantastic supermoll!!!

Just be consistent, and take all the "fuss" out of the food. My friends kids are really fussy, I swear you cannot move in their house for reward charts!

Meal times should be a lovely time to sit with your daughter and have a chat. I really hope you can turn this round and make meal times a lovely part of the day.

Supermoll this is so interesting - well done for having the courage to try a new approach (hope that doesn't sound patronising), and glad for you that it's working well so far.

If you still remained concerned about her weight, have you thought about asking your GP's advice? If she has bundles of energy as you say, they may well reassure you that she is just a naturally skinny child who will become a slender young woman who will never have to worry about her weight. I'm no doctor but I really doubt that one winter where she seemed to have lots of colds signifies anything sinister. I have good winters and bad winters myself, cold-wise, it could easily have been just bad luck.

Do please update us on what happened next.

just caught up with this thread.

I found it soooooo hard not to persuade my dd when we all sit down together at the table. My dh hates waste, so he is just as bad. It is easier if you can do something else while she eats, leave the room if you can and pace around upstairs worrying if you must (I have done this).

since we started our new approach (food in front of a dvd) my dd has explained that she doesn't like her food when it gets cold (I warm her plate now to prevent this), and has requested meals at the table with us by candlelight. She is still a rubbish eater, but we aren't stressed anymore. Hopefully the eating will get better with time.

anyway, hope the weekend went OK and good luck keeping it up.

Well, a somewhat mixed weekend!!

I did try REALLY hard not to comment on food not eaten but it's just become such a habit. One the plus side, no major stand offs or rows (and not a reward sticker in sight!). On the downside I just can't help saying "one more mouthful just for me"!.......... but I do think it was less stressful than usual and she did actually eat more than usual though not at mealtimes.

Is this progress or not? At least she is eating something but then I become a 24 hour cafe so it's not really teaching her to eat at meal times???!!!

supermoll - to be honest as mine have got older they don't all eat at mealtimes - sometimes they are busy or just not hungry at that point. I've decided to be fairly laid back about it and just leave their food on the bench so can heat it up later. as long as she's eating healthily and you aren't a slave is it really a problem??? sounds like you've made great progress.