ssd, WOW, you've done brilliantly already!
You are making all the right moves, stocking up on the healthy stuff, substituting high-fat versions for low-fat goodies.
Don't tell yourself you can never eat any of the old stuff again by the way as the old saying of 'forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest' is so true.
Sure, you could eat rubbish if you wanted too, no-one can stop you, but why on earth would you want to punish yourself with the horrible guilty, bloated feeling you get after.
I'm sure you've already started to feel proud of yourself when you've opted for the healthier food.
So, yes you could eat the crap if you wanted to but You have chosen not to.
Stop thinking of giving up butter and don't talk about depriving yourself. Remember the mind tricks. You don't have to give up the butter if butter is what floats your boat.
Your toast and butter (and maybe just use it a little more sparingly than you used to) is your treat. Keep this treat and you won't have any feeling of deprivation. My advice would be to have wholemeal/granary toast and a small portion of your butter. If you're tempted to slather it on, try melting it in the microwave and see the yellow grease and imagine that coarsing through your veins. That may be all it takes to help you use it sparingly!
As for the evening meals, wouldn't life be a lot easier anyway if you all ate the same or with only minor adaptations of the same meal.
Is your other half a meat and potatoe man? You and the kids have the same of whatever meat and potatoes it is but maybe smaller portion of meat and potatoes and as many veggies as you can eat.
If pasta is the way to go, fill him and the kids up with as much as they like and you have a portion too but don't make creamy heavy sauces. If you do just cut back on the sauce for you.
If we're having pasta, I just have a smaller portion and fill the rest of the plate with my veggies or a salad so there's no sense of you missing out on what others are having.
This type of meal is better than the ready made meals anyway.
It makes me so sad to hear your description of self- loathing. You sound a lovely lady. You've obviously produced children, what an achievement that is. There must be so many other things you've achieved in life you should be proud of so you are worthy of feeling good about yourself.
Spoil yourself often and not just in the food sense. Learn to realise you can take comfort from things like long bubbly baths, reading a magazine/book for half an hour, the simple pleasures in life.
Keep checking in here if it helps, I'll do anything I can to help. You are doing so well!