At what age should you get 'strict' about eating?

[Gwynie]

DS is 19 mths, always a great eater until recently.

Now, he would much rather play than eat.

So when should I start laying doen the law? I already find myself saying thngs like 'Well, you won't get anything else unless you eat this', but I'm thinkng he probably does not really understand what I'm on about and I should therefore keep his left-over lunch until he is ready. Or is this being too soft?

TIA

NO that's defintely not being too soft IMO. I might refuse to give a pudding if dd refused to eat her lunch/supper main course - but I'd certainly let her eat the dish that had been offered at any point later ( as long as I thought it wasn't a health risk to leave it out) and might offer her something that she eats, but is not excited by, such as toast, if she still refused the main course but asked for food later. The only thing I really stick by is that it is not acceptable to turn down a savoury dish that she has liked in the recent past in the hope that she can go straight onto pudding....
Many many people on here have bourne witness to that fact that toddlers eat erratically in terms of the amount they seem to need so don't stress about him not having eaten 'enough'.

Thanks, Bayleaf.

I suppose I'm reacting this way because my sis has terrible problems with her son and eating (he is 3) and she thinks it stems from her being soft and giving him a 'better' alternative when he wouldn't eat his lunch.

I must admit, I do leave the food around so he can pick at it as he plays, and I do not give dessert instead of lunch/dinner.

Gwynie - I have suffered from offering a substitute dish if the first one was not eaten. I learnt from that mistake! My ds is 20 months, and we tell him that it is this or nothing, and on occasion he has gone to bed without supper (only when we know that he is not starving hungry), but the next night we have not had any problems! I agree that you need to nip things like this in the bud early. I'm sure that he does understand you when you tell him there is nothing else. They understand a lot more than you think at the age!

The only thing is not to force them to eat because you think it is the 'right time' for the meal. Toddlers are good at letting you know if they are hungry or not. My only problrm now is trying to get good food into ds before he asks for something sweet! You sound like you have got it all about right!

I've always given mine their meals at set times - breakfast, mid-morning milk, lunch, afternoon snack, tea, bedtime milk. If they don't eat whatever I've given them they just have to wait until the next meal. I certainly wouldn't give them something different if they didn't eat what I offered, but I will always make sure there is enough on their plates that they like and would usually eat. I do give them "pudding" if they don't eat much main course (much to dh's disgust) but will make sure it is healthy, ie fruit or fromage frais.

I don't think it's possible to be strict too soon. My son was a great eater intil about 18 months when he just stopped. I had over a year of problems, and now he eats fine again. Some days he would only eat 1 rice cake, or half a weetabix. The only things I could rely on for him to eat were rice cakes, dry bread weetabix & plain yoghurt.

I got lots of advice from hv, doc etc & the common threads (& I can testify that they are true & work) :-

1. Don't get stressed about it, or show you're cross/stressed, you must be nonchalant whether they eat 'well' or 'badly' - you don't want food to be an issue or weapon.

2. As judetheobscure says, fixed times for meals & snacks is important. I live in Switzerland and even at mum&toddler groups they have fixed snack time, eg 4 pm, when play stops, everyone sits at a table and eats a healthy snack - eg slices of apple, lumps of cheese & some crackers.

If ds didn't eat I would gently point out that he wouldn't have anything to eat again until whatever the next meal/snack time was. It is important you stick to this.

3. Never offer an alternative. And while food intake is minimal only offer healthy food, so you know he isn't filling up on food of little or no nutritional value. Now I will happily give my boys sweets and treats (not too often or they want them all the time) after all, there's only so much time you can scoff the biccies behind the fridge door before you're discovered.

Those were the 3 cardinal 'rules' . While I never even contemplated providing alternative meals, I did get cross on many occasions, mainly because I was fed up at all the wasted time & food. I also allowed him to eat , say half an hour later if he suddenly decided he was hungry. I think this was a mistake.

As soon as I took a million steps back (sometimes I just had to leave him at the table with the food while I bustled around on the other side of the door so he couldn't see me, he'd eat a lot better.

But at the end of the day, he genuinely often didn't want to eat & needn't maybe need to - my doc reassured my (many a time) that toddlers don't starve themselves.

Sorry to go on too long, I've just read your last sentence again, and I do maybe think it's a mistake to say something along the lines of 'Well, you won't get anything else unless you eat this', firstly because it's making an issue of it & will draw the battle lines, so to speak, but also I don't think you should get a child to eat one food just in order to get another. Do you see what I mean? It makes the first food into the 'badie' (and that's usually the healthy good food isn't it?) and the second food highly desirable. I don't think a child should be forced to clear their pate - as a parent we can decide on what's been a reasonable amount, and if they've eaten an acceptable amount we can then give them the next course (why doesn't that look right?) unlinked to the 1st. But that's just my opinion.

Good luck and don't stress, just stick to your guns & be consistent.

Something I've found has worked quite well in the last couple of weeks (although now I've said this it's all going to go horribly wrong!) is to eat with ds, put a miniscule amount on his plate and the rest on mine.

Psychologically it seems to work better - he usually gets through all of one part of the meal pretty quickly then asks for more (he's not allowed more of anything until he's finished all of that item on his plate).

Volume seems to have increased, he's even started trying things he'd not touch before because there's only a small bit on his plate (less intimidating?) and even if he doesn't eat much it feels less bad to me because I don't feel I'm throwing away as much! (Okay, so I end up eating more on those days!)

One thing to remember is that in the first year of their lives kids grow really quickly and need quite a high intake of food as a result. Once they hit toddlerhood they're not growing as fast so their food intake will drop (but even though I knew that it was still a shock when my ds who was a really good eater started being more fussy and eating less!). They really don't need as much.

Another thing I read recently, but can't remember for the life of me where, is that it can take up to 20 exposures of a new food before they "learn" to like it, so do persevere in giving them things that they've refused before. The explanation I heard was that it's a survival mechanism - unknown food could be poisonous so care is taken until it's "known" to be safe - although I'm not convinced personally looking at how many other non-food items go into ds' mouth!!!! However, I can certainly testify to previously "don't touch at all" food becoming a firm favourite.

Oh and I'm a vitamin convert. I find it so much easier not to worry about ds' food intake if I give him his daily vitamin syrup. At least I know if he doesn't eat well that the vitamins are covered.

Thanks for all the replies.

I have always had set meal times and he seems to be fine with those.

However, maybe he is just not as hungry as I think he is.

Monkey, I agree about good and bad food, although when I say he won't get anything else, I mean until the next meal, not whatever else is on the plate.

TBH, when I do offer him something else, he rejects it anyway and when he sees me eating, he does not seem to be bothered, so again I can only assume that he is not as hungry as I think.

Oh well, and it was so good for the first 18 months

It'll all come out in the wash, gwynie, it's just a matter of time. I never thought I'd see the day when my son would eat a bit of red pepper or broccoli, but after much effort to be effortless, the day finally arrived!