DS aged 5 - Picky picky picky - only likes treats. Should he have pudding every day?

[TheSweetLittleBunny]

He likes cake and custard, and has no problem eating this and any other sweet treat. We do not give him sweet treats, or crisps etc, every day, just some days, roughly about two or three times a week. He is given a healthy (but child orientated) packed lunch - of which he rarely eats the sandwiches, and a healthy dinner in the evening which he mostly moans about and picks at.
Yesterday I got very cross with him , after having spent ages doing a lovely mash potato consisting of sweet potatoes and normal potatoes, some roasted chicken, and some sweetcorn. Now tell me if that's an unreasonable meal for a child to eat? Tonight he is having salmon, cheesy pasta with baby tomatoes and cucumber. I have even taken to given hm really small portions so that he doesn't feel overwhelmed by it?
Am I doing something wrong?
I told him that if he eats his dinner in the evening he can have cake and custard for pudding (it is a small Fabulous Baking Boys cupcake and one carton of custard).
I have also said that I am not going to have these ciruclar discussions about food with him again - either he eats the food or he doesn't. Do you think that is reasonable? Have also started a reward chart where he can colour in stars when he eats a meal and get a pre-agreed sweet treat at the end of the week.

Todays lunch was: a small Cheese roll with Quorn "turkey" slices, fruit juice, an apple (which I pre sliced), a packet of yoghurt coated Fruit Flakes, three or four Organix animal shaped cookies.

we have a rule that there is no treats/pudding unless they have tried everything on the plate and eaten a reasonable amount[so make sure they would eat without issue at least one thing] If they dont then they are allowed fruit but no treat

i'm not sure that lunch would be filling enough for my 5 year old. Maybe he is craving what he needs? not sugar but more filling foods. The dinner sounds fine btw and my 5 year old does a lot of picking but she would eat more than that through the day. Does he have snacks?

I would do exactly as you have said, and stop talking about it, a long time ago I explained to ds that he would only get the food that we were eating and he didn't have to eat if if he didn't want to, but that if he didn't he would be hungry.

So he gets his plate of food and if he eats it we will say well done but not make a huge fuss and if he leaves it we just ignore it.

If I serve something that he really doesn't seem to like then he can have a piece of fruit, yoghurt or toast, but he has to try it first.

Try to avoid 'if you just eat x then you can have a pudding' as it makes the actual dinner seem like something to be endured rather than enjoyed.

I forgot to add that he is also allowed, fruit, rice cakes, toast, other healthy stuff, if he wants a snack and it is not within an hour of a meal time.

That was exactly my worry about the having pudding thing - the meal itself becomes something to endure in order to get what he really wants. He is the only one that has dessert - TBH I would prefer it if he had some fruit and yoghurt instead. When I was growing up we only ever had pudding for Sunday lunch.

Babybaby123 - he doesn't even eat what I give him for his lunch - there is so much more I could give him to fill him up, but he won't eat it. He equates being hungry with craving a treat I think. He tells me that he has fruit snacks at school and I give him toast when he gets home from school at tea time. At weekends he has toast or similar snack at 11 and 3 oclock. Dinner is usually at 6.

I know it is really hard not to worry about it, but children will not normally starve themselves, just give him healthy stuff, never get upset or mad or bargain with him if doesn't eat it (in front of him anyway, obviously you are allowed to be upset and mad about it to other people).

Just take all the emotional stuff out of the equation, and let him eat good food when he is hungry.

He may seem to eat almost nothing at first, but if you hold your nerve, and feign total disinterest and this includes just a gentle 'well done' when he does eat, rather than cheer leadering him on, then I can almost guarentee that he will start to eat in a way that is normal for him.

And for now I would stop all treats too tbh.

Fabulous baking boys stuff is jam packed full of crap.

I know, I know - although they do profess to being otherwise. I had a right strop on yesterday and this morning I just get so fed up with saying the same thing over and over again. At the moment biting his nails is the other thing.

Actually I did say out loud so he could hear, during my strop that there would be no more treats. The thing is he has swimming class after school today, and he usually gets something from the machine for doing well (but he could just colour in an extra star on his chart I guess), and dance/drama class tomorrow - I could do the same thing. And what I could do is go and buy some plasticine or something he likes and give that to him for doing well at swimming.

And actually - she says running with this idea, we like to make cakes together, so we could make a cake on Saturday to have for dessert on Saturday/Sunday after dinner.

That sounds like a good idea, try and make a 'heathy' cake if you can, banana bread, carrot cake (without frosting) date and apple cake.

Just tell him conversationally the new rules, don't make it sound like a punishment, write them down if it feels easier.

Only offer one healthy meal, preferably what you are eating.

Make no comment if he chooses to leave it, in fact make it very clear that it is his choice.

Stay calm.

No treats. (except maybe your cake plan once a week)

Only healthy snacks.

Then whatever he says or does to do with food (unless it is eating well) just ignore, breath deeply and remember 'this will pass'.

Have to go now will check back later, good luck.

Thanks. I have gone out to our local wholefood shop and bought some yoghurt coated raising, and some soya dessert. I have also gone and bought little non food treats that he can have instead of sweet things. It's all about changing the habits.

When he gets home and is having his cuddle, I shall discuss the new rules with him.

Dc's generally don't starve themselves ( in most cases).. I agree with just put in front of him what your eating.. if he eats great if he doesn't he'll get hungry.

fruit slad with fresh juice rather than sypup.. for pud I find is good

Yes, I often give him sliced peaches or pineapple or pears for dessert - in fruit juice - why oh why do they do it in syrup anyway - yuck!
New Rules all explained to him - no treats during week except for special occassions and at weekends; colour in a star if you finish a meal, healthy puddings during the week, cakey puddings at weekends, only if food is eaten; either sweet or non sweet treat at weekend if all stars coloured in. I have also said to him it is up to him whether he eats or not.
He took it very well and is quite excited about the prospect of a non-sweet treat from "mummy's special box".
He only ate half his roll from his packed lunch and did not touch the apple. So no star for him (and no comment from me)

Stop the toast when he comes home from school he doesn't need it - instead give him what he has left in his lunchbox.

Be mercenary about it and he will start eating - at present DS is in his bedroom sulking because I will not give in to him and he is only 3 - well 4 next week but they soon come round to your way of thinking.

tbh, if he's having toast at 11 and 3 then he may just not be hungry.

I would be inclined to cut out snacks altogether and focus on mealtimes for now. And make a chart (for you) of what he eats during the day. You may find that he's actually eating more than you think.

But I would:

give him whatever he normally has for breakfast (providing it's not chocolate bars jk obv but I do know a friend whose ds has three kitkats for his breakfast ), then if he's really hungry he can have fruit but not after 10:00 imo as he won't want his lunch then. If he's hungry at lunchtime you can always bring lunch forward somewhat to accommodate for that, then at least he will have filled up on lunch rather than snacks. Do the same at teatime, and make sure he has the same as his siblings for tea. And don't make a big deal out of just him getting pudding - if he eats his tea then offer pudding to all of them, puddding shouldn't be something only he earns because that makes a bigger deal out of his eating habbits than needs to be made.

I only have the one child - when I said he's the only one who has pudding - I meant that DH and I don't have it, only DS.

I agree cutting out snacks is a good idea. However I tried not to give him a snack today - and wanted to give him an early dinner before his swimming lesson which starts at 6pm - but oh the whining - I just had to make it stop so gave him toast, the apple he didn't eat at lunchtime (which is now in the compost as he still didn't eat it), a couple of bits of cheese and a drink. It is unlikely he will eat the pasta I made for him when he gets back from swimming at 6.45 but I'll try.

Personally I'd lose the reward chart, the worst possible thing you can do is to make food into a big deal. I know it's worrying but making meal times into a performance doesn't help.

There was a programme on about this a few months ago and the specialist showed that the more pressure that is put on a child the less likely he is too eat, the parents had far better results once they relaxed a little, though doing so obviously isn't easy.

Reward charts are usually reserved for completion of unpleasant tasks and using one to reward him for eating his meals may make him associate food not with pleasure or as a source of fuel but as something unpleasant that is to be endured not enjoyed.

I hear what you say falcon - although I am not sure I 100% agree with you. Reward charts are used to affirm/define boundaries of behaviour surrounding a certain issue whether it is food, tidying up, doing homework - anything that becomes a bone of contention between a parent and their children. The issue with food with DS is that he just wants the treats, so in a way the reward chart is a way of rationing treats and getting him to appreciate healthy food more. The reward chart enables us to positively reinforce good eating habits in a way that our son can appreciate and enjoy.

Since we started it yesterday BTW he has embraced eating without any fuss and tries a bit of everything, telling us when he has had enough, then excitedly runs to colour in a star. We no longer say anything about eating/not eating, and mealtimes have been less stressful and more fun for the three of us.

WHen I gave him the choice of having a sweet treat or a special non sweet treat at the end of the week he got very excited about the non sweet treat. After swimming I gave him a tub of plasticine for doing well(instead of letting him have something chocolate from the machine) and he was really happy about it.

I know reward charts are not for everybody, but it works for DS and for us.