Eating: are you strict or laid back at meal times?

[Meid]

I know this topic has been discussed many times before so I hope you don't mind me bringing the subject up again.
My dd is 19 months has never been a brilliant eater. She eats very slowly and will only pick at what she wants. I have tried and still continue to try a variety of foods but she still only eats certain things such as chips, yoghurts, fishfingers, crumpets, toast.
On a more positive note, she does eat plenty of fruit, lots of juice and still enjoys a big bottle of milk in the morning and at night. Her weight is fine and she's very lively and bright.
DH and I have tended not to stress too much about this or make an issue of it and hope the phase will pass.
However, she goes to nursery full time and they have just told me that where previously she used to eat fairly well for them she's now started to refuse dinners - in fact she's even having a complete tantrum when the food is brought in. They have asked me how to handle the situation and I said if she doesn't want to eat, don't force her she'll soon realise that going hungry isn't the best option.
The Nursery seemed quite shocked by my reaction and I'm now worried that perhaps I should be strict and try to force her to eat. What do you think - is my laid back attitude wrong?
On a proud note, the Nursery did also say that as she "is so forward for her age" they are worried about her outwitting them!
Many thanks.

No you're not too strict! At least if you are, so am I. We decided right from the outset that if ds wasn't interested (he's 21 months) then he went without - we certainly weren't going to mess around trying to offer alternatives if he refused one.

Sometimes I think he's genuinely just not hungry too, which is fair enough. He always makes up for it next meal/next day. I think it's very easy for them to pick up if you're stressed and really want them to eat - a couple of times I've been a bit too cajoling to get him to eat when I've spent a long time preparing something and then he's played up for a few days afterwards as well to get a reaction! Just taking the bowl away without fuss seems to work best in our house.

I think you made totally the right decision. My ds is the same age and although he is a normally good eater (like his father!!!) he has gone through phases of completely refusing meals.... tantrums, tears, throwing his plate etc etc. I used to think that he was feeling sick or coming down with something until I tried a wee experiment of offering him different stuff, all his favourites(banana, chocolate, cheese etc). I then found that he was indeed hungry and felt fine.... he was just being a wee rascal and testing the boundaries. Your dd will very quickly realise that she must eat her meals or she will get nothing instead! She sounds like a very bright little girl and is really just seeing how far she can push people!

Good luck and let us know what happens when the nursery try that.

I wouldn't ever force my DS to eat anything he didn't want. There are some foods which I was forced to eat as a child, and even the sight or smell of them can still make me gag now, where I'm convinced that if the matter had been dropped quietly and the food offered again at another time I'd more than likely have eaten it, both then and now. Equally I'd never insist that everything on a plate must be eaten, as I don't think that encourages good eating habits either. Needless to say I had that inflicted on me as a child too, and now find it hard not to overeat if I'm not responsible for the size of the portions in the first place.

I think your response was perfect. I think forcing a child to eat things they hate is cruel.

I can't see how you CAN force a child to eat if they don't want to. I do agree about not offering alternatives though (well in our house I will offer ds toast if he doesn't want the meal - especially if its something new that I'm not sure he likes - and if he doesn't want that I conclude he isn't hungry)
Did the nursery have any alternative suggestions?
Generally the least fuss the better I think.

Totally agree with other responses. We have always tried never to make an issue out of food. It's a long, slow and painful process but my 3 1/2 year old DS has got gradually better through exactly this approach.

Thank you all for your responses. You have comforted me.
My gut feeling was that my approach was the best way forward, I was just taken aback by the Nursery's reaction. On thinking further about it, I cannot believe the Nursery haven't come across this before. You would think that, with their experience, they would have more of an idea of how to deal with it than me!
Thank you once again.

I tried the "well she can go hungry" approach and it was fine until she would then wake up in the middle of the night screaming for milk because she was obviously hungry. For me its not worked she's replaced food with milk and will only eat crap so she's one this power round and I'm a little stumped as to how to force the issue. Like most of you I wont force her to eat etc but it feels sometimes that she has a will of iron.

Dd2 used to virtually live on fresh air from the age of about 2 until 4. She ate hardly anything, and what she did eat had very strict criteria to meet. I still gave her whatever everyone else was having though, and she either ate it or she didn't. It was very frustrating for me, but now aged 6 she is a really good eater, having seconds and sometimes thirds! Her fussy habits ( sauce on the side etc)have pretty much gone too. Ds1 is 4 and now going through a similar phase, but I treat him the same as I did her, and we are slowly getting through it.

Forgot to say I refused to eat any vegetables but tinned peas until the age of 13, but would rather eat any vegetable but those now, and I was veggie for a few years too, so there is always hope!

our ds who's 14 months is a very up and down eater - some days he'll eat anything and tons of it, but other days he'll refuse anything that's the slightest bit healthy. E.g. last night's tea ended up being a handful of raisins, a slice of malt loaf and a lot of custard...!

We used to get wound up about it, but try not to so much now - I don't think you can get them to eat if they don't want to. Bizarrely, he always eats very well at nursery - including the things he never eats at home!

But I have to say that we find planning meals for him is the most stressful thing about having a baby - he's a great sleeper, lovely wonderful little boy, but it's always difficult thinking what on earth to present to him each day...

Ds did the same - eating at nursery, not at home. But he also eats better if we go out for a meal, or if we leave him in the room alone. I came to the conclusion that if other people are sitting round the table eating then he likes to conform, but if we are in the kitchen with him, and he is eating but we aren't, then he'd much rather PLAY PLAY PLAY, and not eat. So leaving him on his own also works, as the play option is removed.

My dd (16 months) has good days and bad days like all of us I guess. I get quite stressed about the food thing and have to keep reminding myself that she won't starve herself. I always make sure that there is something for me to do in the kitchen while she is eating so that I can keep an eye on her but so she does not feel watched. Seems to work but every now and again I have to pop some pasta or whatever into her mouth to remind her to eat - she only lets me if I ask if I can!!! I hope this is the worst it gets but have been told it won't be...

I also try to remember the Christopher Reeve programme I saw a couple of weeks ago and try to think how it must be to have a spoon or fork hovering over your lip waiting for you to finish the last mouthful - can't be nice, in fact if it was me I would probably slap the thing away so dd does quite well really. ( I can say that now of course - she had a good supper!)

My ds plays up too. I know that he is hungry, but testing me. So, dh made me do the 'It's this or nothing' approach, and he went to bed on an empty stomach for two nights running. He soon got the hint, and ate all his supper the next evening. It was my own fault to a certain extent, as I used to make him something else if he wouldn't eat his cooked supper. I do not do this now, and he generally eats most of his food. Having said that, he is a fussy monkey, and will not eat fruit at all, unless it is disguised in his breakfast. I usually manage to get most of a banana and some prunes/apple/apricot etc into a portion of porridge or weetabix! Plus, he mostly has vegetables in his supper. We have had days though, when all he will eat are Organix bars and yoghurts. He would eat chocolate till the cows came home if I would let him (don't know who he got that taste from )

Lol Chinchilla.

Something else that has occurred to me that I do (almost subconsciously really) that might help if you're worried about your dd waking up hungry, Meid, is to see how well she eats her lunch and then tailoring dinner accordingly. By that I mean that I tend to try "new" stuff or food that I know isn't ds' favourite at lunchtime, if he eats well then I don't worry about it, if he's a bit picky and I know he'll be ravenous by teatime then I'll make an effort to make something I know he'll eat for dinner. (Anything with baked beans in for ds' case!) That way you at least get one good meal out of it.

Also, he always gets a dessert as long as he's had a few mouthfuls of main course (he tends to get fruit or a yoghurt for desserts so still reasonably healthy) and didn't throw it deliberately on the floor (only happened once or twice - he soon learned he went without!) - so each meal time he effectively gets two options anyway without the discipline of unfussy eating being thrown by the wayside. As a result, I don't recall a single time he's woken up hungry, although he always does full justice to his breakfast

Something else I've just started doing occasionally although he's still a bit young for it always to be effective, is to offer him choices. Do you want weetabix or shreddies for breakfast? Would you like the toast cut in triangles or squares? Beans or egg for lunch? etc... I think he feels a bit more in control of it all then (well that's the theory anyway!)

I would agree that it;s a bad idea to force the issue. My dd is soooooo stubborn (wonder where she gets that from...) and if she doesn't want to eat there is no convincing her. Some days she eats like a horse, other days she hardly eats anything all day. She is a lovely healthy toddler shape and her non-eating never lasts for more than a few days at a time.

With ds (first child) I was far more uptight about it, but it just hit me one day that the battles were not getting anywhere and he wasn't starving himself - it just wasn't worth the upset.

I saw a report the other day saying that a huge proportion of the population (can't remember the exact statistics) have an eating disorder of some kind. I think making mealtimes a battle ground can actually be quite damaging.

Chinchilla: I can't believe that works for you! 3yo DS rarely wants whatever we've cooked for supper, since last summer. He asks for breakfast cereal instead. He can have cereal the whole rest of the day, but we put our food down about eating the same meal as the rest of us for supper. We don't give in. 2-4 hours after he refused supper, when he's about to go to bed, he sometimes caves in and eats some. He would eat buckets of cereal if that were offered instead.

I'm fed up with the whining, though. Whining that he doesn't like it and wants something else. And he only sometimes gives in and eats the dreaded supper of less-than-fave-foods, even if he was really hungry to start.

What's worse is my 17 month old, sometimes she turns her nose up at supper, too. We fix bog standard things like potatos, rice, pasta. Problem is I really need to stuff her up before bed for her to go thru the night. If she won't eat supper -- fine, I'll give her Greek yogurt. But how come she gets an alternative if her brother doesn't? He's going to think it unfair. Nightmare. I don't know if anyone has been here.... I would appreciate ideas.

ps: I can't actually relate to most of this thread. My kids eat like horses; I don't know where it all goes because they're about 30% shorter & skinnier than their peers. 6 decent size meals/day (bar the occasional potato refusal). People comment all the time how much our toddlers eat. You all with kids with small appetites should be delighted to have lower food bills. Though, I have this theory that big kids have small appetites (they've got reserves), skinny kids eat more (they shiver it away?). Seems to hold true.

I was so worried that my ds (22 months) hardly seems to eat anything, and is very fussy about food, that I had him weighed at the baby clinic yesterday & discussed it with the health visitor. His weight has dropped a few percentiles, but she said the drop wasn't big enough to worry about and that he obviously looked healthy and not thin. (He is also not particularily tall, still wearing clothes from last winter).

She suggested just giving him finger food on his highchair tray, eg brocolli. The chances of him even touching that are extremely unlikely, but at least I now know not to worry about him.

He too would eat cereal at every meal, and baked beans (sometimes together, if I let him), so I end up throwing a lot of Annabel Karmel meals in the bin. However since I've decided to throw things away if he doesn't want them, and only offer an easy alternative (cheese, savoury biscuits & raisins), it's all less stressful and no longer a battleground. He's also suddenly returned to yoghurts (character ones of course) after about 6 months off them.

And the nursery (where he is 2 non-consecutive days a week) say the same as me - sometimes he'll eat his meals, sometimes he won't even if he's eaten the same thing before.

Toddlers eh!

Thank you everyone for your stories and tips. It is a comfort to know I am not alone and my fussy little madam is behaving the same as lots of other toddlers out there!
Yesterday, she apparently refused dinner AND tea at nursery - and even some birthday cake! DH and I discussed it with her when we got home and she grinned from ear to ear - I think definite proof that she is attention seeking. They are going to try and give her meals with as little fuss as possible today so fingers crossed.
Thank you.