Multiple stroppy fussy eaters - how to approach?

[fivetriangulartrees]

Please can someone suggest how we can improve dinnertime misery? There is literally nothing DC1, DC2 and DP will all eat. I'm after a general approach to catering for multiple fussy eaters rather than specific meal plans. How can I make very quick dinners that maximise eating and minimise stress?

Whatever I produce, the kids refuse to come to the kitchen for dinner, shout that they hate the food, there's nothing for them to eat, they're hungry etc and then they fight between themselves. Every meal is loud and angry and stressful.

Once home, I have 15-20 minutes to get dinner on the table to have any chance of getting the kids to bed on time. By this time in the evening, I'm stressed and exhausted and can't think straight, so I need a plan.

The usual principles don't work, e.g. make sure there's at least one thing each child will eat, encourage them to try things, don't force them to eat (not that anyone could force my strong willed children to do anything).

DC1 (8) often doesn't eat lunch at school because he's got distracted (ADHD). Dislikes most foods but happy to stuff himself with cake and sweets given the opportunity. Hungry and tired. Has been falling asleep in class.

DC2 (5) has multiple food allergies. Dislikes many foods but is also highly fickle, often changing his mind mid-meal.

DP dislikes many foods but is less fussy than the kids. Has an unhealthy relationship with food, e.g. often skips meals and eats takeaways or crisps at random times instead. Yes, he sometimes cooks and finds the DC equally impossible but most of the cooking and all the mental load falls to me.

Me, I'll eat anything, I just want everyone to stop shouting.

I established these meal rules

1. we sit to the table
2. taste everything on your plate
3. eat 3 out of 4 portions on your plate to get dessert
4. saying “yuck” or being rude about food wasn’t allowed

I wasn’t very keen on 3 but it was born out of desperation. I did my best to ensure there were 3 “safe” things available. I didn’t make a big deal out of it just if you’re not hungry enough for dinner, you’re not hungry for ice cream. It gave them the autonomy to refuse, when they wanted to.

Having clearly stated rules made a big difference. It simplified the battle for me, because I wasn’t fighting everything at once. It’s easier to stay calm and reasonable when you just remind them of the rule - it’s not as personal.

So I have two asd dc (one with afrid, one with allergies and other digestive issues). And a dc (plus me) who eats most things but gets fed up if its too restrictive.
So I often do the same base potatoes (jacket, chips, mash, roast), rice, pasta, bread and add different things to each. I'll batch cook different pasta sauces or curries and freeze in individual portions.
I also had a list at one point of foods the dc would try and made small portions of those to try. Tried one a week after the dietian suggested it.
I also have a batch of dc3 favourite soup on standby.
The dc have all given me lists of what they will eat and I stick to this and then ask them to add things from time to time. The addition maybe a new recipe or literally a change to a different shaped pasta.
I dont accept not coming to the table, screens at the table or shouting or moaning at what has been made. If they won't eat it they can have soup, toast or a sandwich with a piece of fruit.
There is no snacking between meals if your not eating your main meals. I make a cake or other sweet treat each week and then thats it no more that week.
There is always fruit, cereal, soup, toast, milk, yoghurts and rice cakes available. However i expect main meals to be tried first. Mine are older teens now but setting expectations early was helpful.

Thank you, there are lots of helpful suggestions here.

I forgot, we used to have set rules like @Eclipser but we took them down ages ago when we redecorated the room and somehow we never thought to put them up again. Pointing to the rules helped to make it less personal as you said. We should reset those.

And I think part of the issue is that I'm not sure what the right thing to do is if they don't eat. Having a short list of alternatives like you suggest,@Plumpuddingblacktightsredshoes , is a good idea.

I have 3 autistic children. DC1 only slightly fussy so generally I can cook something for me, DH and her from a decent range of options. DC2 and 3 basically eat the same two or three things on repeat (different to each other). No one eats at the table - we used to but they just can't at the moment. So I serve DC2 and 3 first. DC3 has to eat a vegetable to get a pudding. Then the rest of us eat a short while later. Logistically everyone is fed. I do a lot of 'nicer' ready meals for the 3 of us like Charlie Bighams or Cook, or pasta, or fajitas but I do cook from scratch a few times a week too. I'm collecting a list of things DC1 eats with a view to having a 3 week rota or something organised like that.

Would a meal plan for the week help if you got everyone to contribute and agree to it?

Take the adult out of the equation. The children are hard enough so he will have to feed himself.

Get them to sit down at the table first and then bring the food to them. They cannot leave the table unless they at least try the food.

If the meal isn't eaten then there are no sweets/dessert etc available. It will be toasty or porridge.

Have you spoken to school about the fact your child isn't eating all day to see if they can offer any support?

I had a very similar thing when dc were younger and sympathise. It's a nightmare cooking for 4 when 3 are fussy. They all liked different things and then the youngest went vegetarian, aaagh.

My brother and I were brought up to eat everything and as a result there are v few foods I won't eat.

as with @Eclipser I had rules like everybody sits at the table and stays at the table. You can nominate 5 vegetables you do not like, everything else is fair game. No alternatives especially for fussy adults (he needs to be a good example). Favourite food nights (eg taco night, pizza night) are cancelled if food isn’t eaten on other nights.

was it always successful, no. Dd1 was very fussy and probably would have been told it was afrid if she was born later, but as it was I simply stage by stage got her eating from a low point aged 2 eating nuggets, fries (not chip shop chips) and strawberry milkshakes. But basically constantly trying to improve things did work but it’s a long haul.

allergies obviously are different (we didn’t have this issue) but any meal where they can build their own works eg tacos/wraps, pizza build your own, but my dc loved make your own sushi too, the kid that wouldn’t each most veg or anything in sauce happily ate rice, seaweed and raw fish, go figure!

We used to have one they agreed to, and it was an improvement for a while but DC1 in particular won't eat those meals any more. I can't realistically see them agreeing to anything at the moment, but I have nothing to lose by giving it another go.

There's no way I could get them to stay at the table until they try something. They'd run off and hide and need physically hauling back while clinging on to doorframes and fighting. We'd be doing that all night and DC1's sleep issues would get worse.

But that's a very good point about school. No, I haven't talked to them about DC1's lunch. I'm in conversation with them about various other issues, but I guess I should add this one to the pile!

I think from a calming down point of view do they need almost a pre dinner snack? If one hasn’t eaten all day I’d imagine they’d be very hangry and I think it can be very hard to concentrate when you’re like that. My one with ADHD isn’t particularly fussy but when he’s very hungry gets into a sort of arghhhhhhhh state where he can’t answer questions or meet expectations for behaviour so much better if he has a little something even if dinner is 20 mins away. We have a snack box thing with 6 boxes in it and it works really well to put this out with an assortment of raw veg, bit of hummus, maybe a few cubes of cheese or whatever. Nothing that would completely fill them but if they’ve had a little reasonably healthy snack maybe they would feel a bit more disposed to sit and be calm. Also helps get variety in with no pressure. It’s there to help themselves to what they want

This is one thing that does work with both of them. If I leave out their favourite/tolerated fruit and veg, they will sometimes absent mindedly munch through them before dinner - providing they're not already off fighting somewhere else. I'm not sure whether it makes them more inclined to eat their dinner or not, but I'll try it more consistently and see if it makes a difference.

I have two DDs with eating issues (one diagnosed with afrid) and an autistic son plus I have eating issues. Dh eats anything.
We eat in front of tv a lot in the week as we often eat at different times and DS seems to do better when distracted. We do eat at table on a weekend. No one has to finish if the don’t want it they can have fruit or at a push toast. I don’t over fill plates, tend to go on small side and give more if asked. Kids have smaller plates.

I know you didn’t ask for meal ideas but a couple things that work for us - Mexican style with sharing bowls’s of rice, beans, nachos, chicken, wraps and everyone chooses what they want. Things like Jacker potato or pizza with individual toppings
A nother thing I do is bolognaise but dd 1 has chilli powder and rice. Dd2 has pasta. Ds dh and I have spaghetti. So it’s different meals but linked.

I had 2 nightmare eaters (1 autistic and ADHD) and the other just a pita. One would eat the 'main' but no carbs or veg and the other just the carbs but no 'main' also no veg.

Things that worked
Giving them what they'd eat for a certain time just to calm things down
Building a list of tolerated foods and feeding those. Often not a main, just foods they'd eat.
Slowly start making meals with slight variations. Allowing them to help with meal planning.

Feeding them the tolerated veg with every meal. They often eat this first (carrot and cucumber sticks, peppers at a push, one eats tomatoes) while they wait for the hot food. This gets them to the table. Add bread sticks or similar.
Tiny portion of food that isn't a fave.
No eating means no pudding (even if just yoghurt)
Only alternatives are buttered toast or a banana.
As they have grown older the number of tolerated food has increased along with their reasonable-ness around trying a new food. We can just about have a roast dinner but the only cooked veg they'll tolerate is peas and sweetcorn.

You need your husband to back you on this. He's demonstrating terrible behaviours, and if Dad can live off crisps and take aways, why can't the kids?

Why does it all fall to you? Sounds like it's not just the food issue, you talk about the fighting if left alone too long, only having 20 mins etc. It sounds fraught.

Have a discussion with your partner, get them to support you at meal times, it should not all be on you.

Aside from that, sticking to regular meal times at the table, with strict rules worked for us. They were the pretty much the same as @Eclipser any misbehaving meant they were dispatched to their room to consider their behaviour. Fomo generally kicked in so they would behave.

Also agree with a post school snack. So soup, veg, hummus, cheese, fruit all work well. And involving the kids with food prep, setting and clearing the table, doing the dishes etc also helps.

Good luck.