refusing to eat !

[Portia]

My 14 month old daughter has recently entered a new phase. Since we returned from a holiday abroad, shes started to refuse to eat anything I give her. She will say No quite firmly and push the spoon away, even things she used to love !

I know stressing out and force feeding isnt the answer as that will only make things worse, but my calm approach is becoming harder to maintain as time goes on. I've tried giving her small snacks rather than full meals, which works every now and then.

I'm worried that perhaps shes getting too much milk (shes on cows milk now and has 5 bottles a day-roughly 25-30 ounces a day) it sounds a lot but while shes not been eating I've been increasing her milk slightly so at least she has something ! I'm working on getting rid of the bottle and replacing it with the cup but can only manage to get her interested in using her cup at lunchtimes.

Help ! Any ideas and is this normal ??

My 15 month old dd is going through the same phase. Strange thing is, she'll eat for her daddy. But when I try to give her a meal or even a snack, she flatly refuses. What I've done is leave little paper cups with snack-y type foods in them around the house. She wanders around and picks from them all day. This is definetely not a permanent solution as I'd like us to be eating at the table, but for now it's getting some food into her. DD's doctor said not to freak out about it; she won't starve herself, when she's hungry she will eat. Just keep offering.

And wow, that IS a lot of milk! The US recommendation is 16-20 oz, but my dd doesn't even get that much. She still nurses several times a day, though. I don't think there's a big problem with her milk intake if she's not keen on solids right now. I wonder (if you're not breastfeeding) if it might be a good idea to go back to formula for a while until she picks up on eating again? Cow's milk is really not very nutritive on it's own, and formula is better balanced if it's the main source of nutrition. Lately since my dd has refused food so much I've cut down on the goat milk and gone back to soy formula and she seems to be doing well. It's just temporary. Anyway, it might be something to discuss with her doctor.

Her behavior sounds totally normal for her age to me!

Yep, my ds went on hunger strike around that age too. It seemed like it happened practically overnight - one day he was eating brilliantly and the next day he was saying no to everything. He would only eat fromage frais, and I stupidly gave in to this. As a result, for a couple of months all his meals (except breakfast) would consist of virtually nothing but fromage frais and fruit.

Now I've got a secong baby and it puts things into perspective. She's started being funny about food too and because I know her brother went through it and eventually came out of it healthy and happy, I'm much more laid back about it.

By the way, I think part of why it happens at around a year is because they become keener to self-feed and don't like spoon feeding any more, so definitely give more finger foods. Good luck

I wonder what would happen if you gave your dd a spoon of her own? My ds eats brilliantly but even he eats better and enjoys himself more if he can feed himself (very ineptly) while I sneak in my more expertly loaded spoonfuls in between. And finger foods (cheese, bread, grapes etc) are great. My ds can eat sandwiches with honey or grated cheese too. I think that's an awful lot of milk, though. I suspect she can't really be hungry if she's drinking that much. I'd probably cut down a bit esp before mealtimes.

hi portia.

Just to let you know that mine went through exactly the same thing. It lasted for about three months. He has eaten like a pig for the last three months, so they do go through it. At 14 months its one of the few forms of control they have over themselves/their environment. Dont worry. Youll be amazed how much nutrition etc they can actually get from a few snacks. She will pass through this phase. xx

I really do think its an independence thing. At 14 months the only meal my DS would contemplate being fed was breakfast and that only lasted for another couple of months. Now at 21 months he is a very proficient self-feeder. If I try to interfere (help) at all food, bowl, spoon and fork all fly in different directions.

I would increase the finger foods, give a spoon (even things like mashed potato and baked beans can be finger foods at this age....) and reduce the milk. All sorts of fruit and veg make great finger food, also try cubes of cheese, raisins, pices of cooked chicken, ham.

Also bear in mind toddlers may not need as much food as babies as the weight gain has slowed down. Is your DD on the move yet?

Don't lose sight of the fact that she'll eat if she's hungry. Reduce the milk by at least half. Then wait for her to tell you she's is ready for a meal. Stop the snacking immediately and very soon you'll be back on track.

Dear Portia,

DD has been through exactly the same thing. She's never been a good eater but last month she completely refused any kind of food which wasn't milk for a few weeks until I got into depression....She was also very wingey and clingy as she must have been week.

Having ruled out any serious problems (her weight gain was still in line with her chart), my HV suggestions were:
1.cut down on milk
2.exclude snacks altogether (hard one I know)
3.eat with her and eat the same thing, finish off what she's left
4.in the meantime give her vitamin supplements with iron (Minadex)

can't say which part of this worked but it did brilliantly for a couple of weeks, then she went back to her normal self of eating little but at elast she's eating.

Good Luck and don't worry too much!!! (unlike I did)You have all my sympathy. It's really devastating when a child refuses to eat

My grandmother gave me some sage advice on this issue: if they refuse to eat never ever force, cajole or persuade. Simply offer it to them and if they refuse then you take it away and say, never mind, you're not hungry.
They will soon realise that they will get no emotional reaction by refusing food and hunger will persuade them that food is just there to be enjoyed and not a tool with which to manipulate your mother with!
NB My grandma has six daughters and 22(!) grandchildren, all with healthy relationships with food

Great advice Beejay.

Why DO we get so emotional about food?

Personally I think it's those damn growth charts. Before I knew better when ds was small we had the health visitors going potty because he fell through some centiles (I now know this is perfectly normal as hardly any child follows a centile line perfectly). They seemed to ignore totally the fact that both dh and me are slim build and that ds was obviously cheerful and meeting all his milestones etc. Made me book an appt with the paediatrician who took one look at ds and said "there is nothing wrong with your son". During this, any time he didn't eat like a pig you felt slightly panicky.

Next kid is getting weighed once a month if it's lucky.

Thanks for the advice. I'll definately reduce the milk and will try the tips you've suggested.
Its very reassuring to know others have been there and come out the other side !

I feel much happier having read your comments!

Hi Portia
We had exactly the same thing with ds (12 months) and we are still having it. He refuses to sit in his highchair and when in it will only open his mouth to eat off a spoon if he is very busy with his hands. It got to the point where I was carrying him around the house trying to find things for him to do (like open and close the letterbox) while I fed him but that was very tiring and not very helpful. On some days he ate alright, sometimes a lot and other days (like 2 days ago) VERY little which is horrible. So for the past two days we are feeding him off our plates which he loves and I am also following him around the room with fruit puree and yoghurt while he plays which seems to be working as he is actually opening his mouth. He also seems to like soft raisins (picked out of panettone but I am also going to soak some)... Maybe it's not the best thing to follow a baby around with food but it's ten times less stressful than the whole highchair thing.

Genia - how tired must you be! Don't panic, your child will eat when hungry. At one, they can let you know if they want things, and if they don't seem interested, don't push it. We had exactly the same situation, and also found that ds would eat if his hands were busy. He seems to have one day where he will eat everything under the sun, and then two days where he hardly seems to eat anything. It is hard to resist letting him have the things that I know he will eat that aren't necessarily the best things for him, but I have to restrain myself.

I now give him his meal, and if he won't eat it, I throw it away. It is very disheartening, but he is always adamant if he doesn't want it. The 'keeping hands busy' trick stopped working at 16 months. However, it is obvious that he is thriving, and I am determined not to make him think that food is a big issue.

haven't read all posts on this threads, but just wanted to share 'problem eating' experience in case it could reassure anyone. Dd has never been into feeding -breast or otherwise - something which has caused me huge amounts of concern and lots of stress at mealtimes. She is 14 months old now and this weekend she started feeding herself and it has changed our lives ! I'm sure she'll still be 'picky' about stuff she doesn't like (really frustrating for a foodie like me, but I just keep trying) but whe'll happily sit in her highchair for an hour feeding herself / the table / the floor and eating twice as much as before. Brilliant. I've also noticed that she likes variety - so a few different things in a meal eg tuna + sweetcorn + rice + avocado, but all separate. HTH somebody out there.

My ds turned one on Saturday and it seems like a little switch has changed in his head...he is being competely difficult about eating from a spoon. I am wondering whether it could be a new tooth but basically I give him a spoon to hold like I normally do and he will happily shove that in his mouth but when I try and feed him with other spoon he clams shut..shakes his head.."no ..no..no!".

I gave him some bread and cheese which he happily shoved in his mouth but he is generally picky with finger food ...will eat bread, cheese, biscuits..thats about it! Banana if he is desperate! ...oh...and raisons!

Any ideas on other finger foods or sandwich fillings which will help us through this stroppy phase!!?

rice cakes, carrot sticks, not too soft pieces of boiled / baked potato, hard boiled / scrambled egg, apple and pear (raw or lightly cooked), chopped up mango (tinned or fresh), chopped or sliced avocado, cubes of cooked tofu, chopped ham / chicken, little meatballs made from bits of mince, pieces of roasted vegetables - carrot / parsnip / butternut squash / peppers, finely chopped cooked mushrooms, cooked baby sweetcorn, cauliflower / broccoli florets .... Hope that helps - maybe if he's distracted with his finger foods, you can sneak the odd spoonful in ! Good luck

You star Tomps! They have given me loads of ideas! Thanks!

Its frustrating, but try and view it as a positive move towards independence - hopefully he'll carry on being this keen to do it himself!! My ds had phases like this from about 9 months and started feeding himself with a spoon at about a year. When he was going through a refusal phase, I would make fingers of toast and dip them in his food - he seemed quite happy to take the toast and eat the food off it. He also sometimes let me load up the spoon, then he'd take it from me and eat from it. Good luck!

When my ds is having a real phase of only feeding himself, I've found he will take food off my finger but not off a spoon, so I literally dip my finger in his food and feed him like that (being careful to avoid those chomping teeth!)

Having read all these last messages it seems we all stress about what they eat and I think we as parents need to not think its naughty, toddler being difficult or challenging you as a parent.Its normal behaviour!
Toddlers want to become independent but also want security so its fine letting them find a balance that you can deal with too.The child who wants to picked up and then immediately be put down again is a classic example of that independent spirit coming thro - they want security but also independence too.
Food issues simple rules to follow
Three meals a day
Very little treats in between
Cut milk as a food if having three meals a day of normal food. Milk fills them up too much and on a normal diet won;t need the extra calories. Try not to get caught in "I'll give more milk if not eating" it takes away the hunger so consequently won't eat a meal
Remember some days your toddler will eat loads , another day nothing just like adults, they may not feel like alot.
Your child won't starve children in third world are starving and finally read this book
Raising Happy Children (Dorothy Rowe et al) it shows you how to see issues through the eyes of a child which is where we go wrong alot we're adults with adult emotions and forget that sharing our favourite toy is the hardest thing to do!!!

Believe me Carmella ..I am following those simple rules! Adam has milk first thing (now onto cows milk then..still formula in evening). Then breakfast of weetabix or ready brek which he will happily take off my soon. Then toast.

Then nothing until lunch time and today we had the same shaking head performance. It was a bolognase sauce so I put it into 2 slices of bread and made into a sandwich and he ate about half of it.

I know it is normal behaviour but it is incredibly frustrating..hence why I have come in here to calm down after lunch!!

I have visions of all food now being suitable for a sandwich which if he eats it is fine I suppose but the laugh was I was now attempting to follow all the "guidlines" that now he is one he can eat our meals. He has other ideas obviously!!

Any more comments and advice welcome! I am going to write down the finger food suggestions and give them all a go!

futurity, try to bear with it and it may be over sooner than you think. with ds the complete refusal used to come and go - but I do think you will come out the other side once he can competently feed himself. The sandwich idea sounds a good one. I've just posted on the 'is my kid lazy' thread a few things that helped ds get good at using a spoon - you might find something of use there.
As for finger foods - what about big pieces of pasta or tortollini? I know that was one of my SIL's first 'family meals' with her daugher at around this age. Or just anything you can cut up into suitable size pieces for eating with fingers - potatoes, fishcakes, fish fingers, pieces of veg, peas/sweetcorn, pizza, quiche - I'm sure you can think of some 'family meals' he can simply eat with his hands. Good luck!

Carmella, I'm going to take issue with one of your food rules - I've really found the 3 meals a day thing doesn't always work, and I believe that's where a lot of stress about food comes from. Very often little people will refuse breakfast, lunch, tea for whatever reason, but then may be hungry an hour or so later after a crawl or toddle about. So providing healthy snacks, or even trying again with the original meal but ' on the go' is always worth a try if you have the time. Having suffered with digestive problems myself, I can testify that small meals / snacks throughout the day can be much better than 3 big meals spaced apart. Each to her own of course, I'd just say it aint necessarily bad to eat 'between meals', as long as it's healthily and not just sugary 'treats'.

I hadn't even thought about cutting down on milk TBH. Mind you, my d.s is a good eater (but until recently was a poor sleeper so I'm not smug ) but loves milk which he drinks from a cup and has a final b/f at night. He goes to the fridge and bangs on the door for milk: I always just assumed it was a balanced, healthy 'food'. I guess he drinks about 3/4 pint a day. Does anyone think this is too much for a 15 month baby? Can a baby drink too much milk if they are eating 'proper' meals as well?

oxocube, that sounds fine to me - I've found various recommendations for milk intake at this age ranging from 12oz to 1pt. My ds has about 3/4 pint and like yours is a good eater. I think cutting back on milk is only necessary if they are NOT eating well and are drinking LOTS of milk (over a pint I'd say). HTH