thread3654

[LiamsMum]

I have been wondering for a while about whether I should let my son feed himself without any intervention from me, or whether it's ok that I still feed him most of the time. (He's 25 months). He is very good with a spoon and sometimes he does feed himself, but he tends to have a few spoonfuls and then forget about eating so I pick up the spoon and keep feeding him. He opens his mouth so he seems quite happy to eat, but I would be waiting forever for him to finish his meal if I just left it up to him. I heard someone say once that they put a meal in front of their toddler and when he stops eating (even if he's only had a couple of bites), then they assume he's had enough and take it away from him - they don't try to intervene at all. What does everyone think about this?

My son is 4 1/4 and I am still on hand to shovel some extra food into him, he seems to get bored of eating and wouldn't eat anywhere near enough to satisfy his hunger if left totally to his own devices.

LiamsMum,

IMHO you seem to be making life unecessarily hard for yourself! Your son is 2, and really should be able to feed himself, however messily. Of course it's lovely for him to have mummy feed him, but how do you manage to eat your meal while you're feeding him? Or does he not eat with you? I can't remember exactly when my two started pretty much feeding themselves totally (although I know dd was very early because she wanted to do what her big brother was doing), but I know that they certainly were by 2, because that is when they went up from the baby room at nursery into the 'big children's' room - and I know that the nursery staff weren't feeding them then.

Don't worry about him not getting enough to eat - he won't starve himself. At the moment he knows that if he stops then you will help him and he'll get all that lovely one-to-one attention. This is great for bonding etc, but he needs to learn to do things for himself (picture him at 30 still living at home with you doing everything for him ... only joking of course ).

I don't mean to sound hard (sorry if I do) - some children seem to fight for their independence, while others are quite happy and relaxed about letting mum and dad do things for them.

DS is 18 months and I very rarely feed him anything at all. He is getting much better with the spoon but if he is really hungry/can't be bothered he resorts to fingers. I have learned the hard way not to interfere - ie I try to feed him and find bowl, food, cup, fork and spoon all flying in different directions. I find it difficult because I think there is a motherly instinct (like a mother bird) to spoon the food in. I'm always getting warning glances from DH at mealtimes.

The one exception is breakfast porridge/weetabix where he tends to be very hungry and will let me spoon it in. However while away in a B&B last week we had a blip with this (dunno if it was the environment, cold milk, stroppines or what) and for the last 3 days he has been breakfasting at nursery so we shall see what happens tomorrow. I particularly hate weetabix being sent across the room because it is so sticky or rock hard when dry.

Perhaps you could guage your son's mood and only feed him when he is tired or under the weather.

My son has always been a very slow eater. I think babies and toddlers can vary just the way adults do in their speed of eating. I would just let him go at his own pace but maybe be doing something else in the kitchen while he was eating. Most babies do seem to want to feed themselves at around 18 months so I guess your son has probably just got used to you feeding him.

I could never bear to let my son make a mess - I used to load the spoon with food with the bowl separate from him and lay it down on the highchair tray. It was rather time consuming but just faced with this he soon got on with it and as I say I was usually doing something else at the same time. Around 19 months I gave him the bowl as well and he went from there and usually hated me helping. However if it was something he really liked and was having a problem with it he would let me help. Not allowing him to make a mess means that he is generally very good about his food and he rarely throws any.

Even now age 3 sometimes I help. Maybe your boy prefers finger food. I found my ds used to get frustrated sometimes chasing things round a bowl and prefered solid pieces of veg and things like breaded fish. I wouldn't worry though - its good that he eats regardless of the method!

So, at what age should they start trying to eat on their own? I give my 13 month ds a spoon loaded with yoghurt, and he puts it in his mouth really well, but can't get any food for himself from a bowl yet. Is this OK, or should I be encouraging him more?

He eats well with his fingers, but if he is being picky, I often break bits off and feed them to him (e.g. sandwiches). He will take them from me, but not eat them himself, even though I know that he is hungry.

Is this OK, or am I worrying too soon?

Hi Liamsmum,

Does your toddler eat with other kids around? My ds sounds likes yours -- knows perfectly well how to eat but is quite happy to be fed after a few mouthfulls. But he has just started a playgroup where the mid-morning snack is served for kids of all ages together and suddenly he is much keener on feeding himself at home. I guess he sees the other children eating by themselves?
Recently I've also found that eating at the same time as him encourages him to eat himself -- but then again sometimes he just gives up, won't eat anything at all and then gets really hungry later.
Best, Lorien

Chinchilla, my dd is also 13 months and like your ds is not too bad with a spoon but I have to sort of direct it for her and she can't load it herself. Like you, I was also wondering whether I should be encouraging her to feed herself. We have just had lunch and it was a disaster. I have to admit that dd is a great eater, that is provided that everything is mashed up together. She has only just progressed onto slightly lumpier food and every time I open a book I feel like I've gone horribly wrong when I see what babies of 13 months should be eating. Today, I tried some small pieces of chopped up potato, some bits of pizza and some veg - 90% of it went on the floor. I'm beginning to wonder how you get the balance right....

One way of encouraging babies to feed themselves is for you each have a spoon. Then they can fiddle about trying to get things on the spoon while you feed them at the same time. You can also buy spoons that have a funny crooked handle, which are easier for babies to use.

My son started on insisting on feeding himself well before 12 mo. He wasn't very good with his spoon (he would flip it over somewhere between the bowl and his mouth) so I gave him a fork which he loved. I demonstrated how to use it with lots of stabbing sound effects which thrilled him no end. He still makes the noises now at 21 mo. He is still a very messy eater and uses his fingers more than half the time. I remind him constantly to use his fork and when he remembers he does. I suppose it does take a little longer for him to feed himself than if I were to feed him, but he eats with us, so it's not really an issue. I think it somewhat depends on the child's personality, but I would have thought that by 25 months your son should be more or less eating on his own. If he doesn't eat and gets distracted, then take the food away. I'm sure after a couple of meals he will have realized that he has to do it on his own and will get to it. Good luck, as Azzie said, you want to encourage them to do as much for themselves as possible as soon as possible.