2 yr old on hunger strike, both grandmothers blame me..

[clucks]

My DS who is almost two has started refusing almost every meal for the past two months. This has happened before for a couple of weeks at a time which I ignored after taking advice from HV etc and true enough the phase ended. He has always been lean but in the last couple of months he is positively skeletal with ribs all over the place. I have been too scared to have him weighed but he's probably 9th centile (lost weight infact). The only food he'll eat is scrambled eggs, but shows no interest in things he would have normally liked. He's not a great milk drinker either. I am more worried this time because the phase has not come to an end. To top my own concern, my mother who sometimes looks after him has telephoned me from abroad to say that one of her relations who is a GP has suggested that he is frustrated and angry with me because I am not giving him enough time and attention and this is how he can show it. I am gutted as I feel guilty enough about working and even worse MIL yesterday agreed (I wouldn't have told her if I'd known, I was looking for sympathy). I am doubting myself now and feel guilty and cannot convince myself otherwise. I would be grateful for help and advice, even if you all agree with the great matriarchs..Everything is made worse by the fact that I don't have the luxury of being able to give up work right now even if that was the answer.

Unless either of these two lovely women are prepared to down tools and either pay you an allowance so you can give up work, or look after ds regularly some of the time FREE so that you can go part-time, I don't think they should be voicing opinions like this. This helpful long-distance GP has met you, and ds, naturally? And of course, your MIL has had a stern word with your DH about not being able to provide entirely for his family?
Clucks, I felt so sad for you when I read this post. If giving up work is not a viable option for you financially, PLEASE do not feel guilty about it, because there is nothing you can do at the moment other than minimise the impact on your family. How old is your ds? It is very common for small children to go through frightening phases of eating nothing, or so it seems to their worried parents. We've been there...and are now out the other side with a toddler who has moods like everyone else but eats OK.
What childcare arrangements does your ds currently have, other than your mum helping out sometimes? Does he seem happy there and what do the people who look after him say about his eating and general behaviour? It could be not so much that he is punishing you, but that a small adjustment to his daycare might help - does he do regular hours and go to the same people at the same time every week? Children do love routine, and we got into the habit very young with ds of saying, today is a nursery day and it will be Karen who is there at 8.00am to meet you, etc.
I would also discuss it again with your HV, who will be less emotive than your own family and hopefully not so unprofessional as to imply you are neglecting him. It might also be worth getting him checked by a GP to make sure there is no underlying condition that might have put him off his grub. These health professionals have to deal every day with parents who for whatever reason wilfully neglect their children, so they are not going to make you feel bad about doing the very best for your family.
I had to return to work f/t when ds was four months and initially he went to a childminder who turned out not to be the right person for any of us. We moved him to a nursery, where he still is, at 7 months, and he settled like a dream. He is now a really sociable, chatty, happy little boy, and not "damaged" by his daycare or resentful of us for it. You may want to review your ds' daycare arrangements, but don't jump to conclusions until you have conferred more widely with people whose life mission is NOT to make you feel wretched about an unavoidable situation.

Clucks

I agree with all that Marina has said. IME your son's behaviour sounds like an example of the classic power struggle that virtually every child of his age displays about something or even everything.

I do agree that it would be a good idea to seek professional guidance, to hopefully nip it in the bud. My friend's son had the same problem, and now at 9 he will still only eat a very limited range of foods (crisps, biscuits, pizza and tomato soup - somehow he's incredibly healthy and intelligent though).

No doubt you've tried strategies to get him more interested in his food? Could you get him to 'help' you prepare things, bake little cakes or fun mini pizzas for example? Although saying that maybe it's creating a rod for your own back, I don't know. Another idea would be to offer him a reward for eating...stickers, an outing, a treat of some kind?

Hth. thinking of you, Mopsy x

clucks, I may be completely wrong here but do you think that the no food phases are linked to teething? and this longer period of not eating anything except scrambled eggs (which is nice and soft and won't hurt his gums) could be linked to the gruesome pain of molars cutting through and growing?

I definately agree with Marina about the not very helpful advice you've been given - trying to make you feel guilty won't really help you or your son. Hope things improve soon.

My son went on hunger strike at the same age. I have photos of him on holiday just after his second birthday looking very skeletal. He actually lost a kilo in wieght in 2 months.

He'd been a fussy eater from being weaned onto lumpy food at 7 months, and he still is at 3yrs 4months. I tend to agree with Sis about teething though, although i'm not sure when DS actually got his last 4 big teeth.

By the way, I am NOT a working mother so don't beat yourself up about that one, it can happen to all of us!

First of all, your mother and your MIL can get stuffed! They may mean well (don't they all?) but sometimes you just need them to keep their opinions to themselves and offer a little support and sympathy, don't you? I feel for you, I really do. Please try not to feel guilty, I'm sure your trying to do the best for your family.

Can I just ask, have been to see your gp at all - just to rule out any possible physical cause? The only other thing (and I'm sure you've tried everything alreday), but my brother was a very picky eater and a very skinny child. Practically the only thing he ate for years was peanut butter and jam sandwiches (may sound strange to you, but it's practically a staple part of a child's diet in America!). Worth a try...??

Good luck and please let us know how you get on.

Well said, Marina - agree with all the messages here. Take your son to your own gp, review your childcare arrangements if necessary and ignore the unhelpful comments coming down the phone.

Clucks I worried about this at one stage too and found a reassuring line in a childrens cook book: "no child has ever starved themselves to death before their fifth birthday". This helped me to stop worrying about it.

Agree with the advice given here (GP maybe? Teeth?) and feel cross with the matriarchs for making you feel bad: it's not your fault! I would say don't go down the sticker route since you would be then starting to use food as a bargaining tool and making a big issue of it.

You could try leaving things out that he can eat on the quiet (soft fruit, rolls?) and see if he decides to take it? Good luck.

My ds stops eating most things when his teeth are coming through and generally has two or more coming through at once. I try ice cream, yougart or fromage frais, bananas and, although I am not a lover of frozen meals, some of those. He has always eaten the bangers and mash mainly as it is soft. He also likes to have a good munch on an apple, not cut up but whole. I leave bits on his table for him to nibble like dry cereal, cheese, crackers, like a little picnic and he nibbles when he feel likes it instead of me missing the opportunity of getting him to eat.

Like you say it is not very helpful some peoples unwanted comments instead of good old fashioned help. When ds is off his food I get meals sent round by my mum and mil, like mash if they are having it, mum makes liver and bacon cassorole which is soft and tasty, all for him to try if he fancies it. Try mentioning that if they can think of anything he might like by all means send it on round.

Can't really add any practical experience Clucks, but lots of sympathy for being on the receiving end of grandmotherly disapproval. It's strange isn't it how everything that goes wrong is because you didn't do things the same way that they did when they were young!

You have to remember clucks that in most grandmothers day, their children were potty trained by 18 months (night and day), never had tantrums, only had food from their own garden, dutifully ate 3 meals a day, made their own entertainment and slept in their own cot from day one

clucks, I have just read this whole thread and it has reminded me with a bang of what my DS2 was like at 2-ish. Up to that point he would eat anything, spag bol went down with both hands, things like chicken and asparagus pie with broccoli and mash similarly, but at around 2 he just stopped and would hardly eat anything.

He is 9 now so this was a long time ago and I can't remember exactly what he would eat when this started, all I can remember is pizza. He went on being v v picky for a v long time. Certainly he was a rake for years, your son sounds just the same as him. Recently he has improved and is filling out a bit and developing some muscle definition, but is still a beanpole, but has boundless stamina now. (He is tall so never went so low on the chart as yours but his weight centile was way below his height.)

This was not a protest or a power struggle - I didn't work and he had my undivided, calm, patient (well, sometimes) attention. It must just be a thing that some small boys do for whatever reason. (No girls in this thread I think?) Agree with the others - both grandmas need adding to the good slapping list. Don't listen to them, try to stay calm and don't get into fights with him - also agree that you could try lots of icecream, fromage frais etc which is soft and smooth and also nourishing. But if he will literally only eat scrambled eggs, then fine. (If he will also eat bread and drink fruit juice, and if you can work some milk into the eggs, I believe from reading the great P Leach that he has a perfectly balanced diet! And you could also try him with some kids' multivits, nice teddy shaped sweet ones with iron in. )

Thank you for the advice. I have not seen any sign of teeth although the last four molars can come anytime within the next six months. It's not just the softness, he rejects mushy rice, pasta, most things actually. To be honest I think my mother trained him to be fussy by offering him all her hidden goodies all the time. He always knew where her special cupboard was.

Childcare, he goes to nursery 3 days/wk, which he loves but gets v. tired and ratty. Eats marginally better there, but not much. Basically, he messes me around more than the nannies there. He is now drinking more milk at night and filled out a bit there, but we're going to Italy next week and skinny babies don't go down as well there.

I will see the GP but he's already seen a paediatric surgeon due to constipation and anal fissure (to add to things) and I guess you don't eat when you are already full with poo... sorry to be crude. Anyway, he is probably still underweight, the HV will have to be seen again. Maybe all that pasta will get him going again.

This is an update which others in the same boat may find useful. We had a week away in a wonderful Italian hotel with a great restaurant (lots of other children), where DS probably only ate one meal the whole week. I was at my wits end. when we returned he miraculously ate every meal for about 3-4 days on the trot, obviously making up the lost calories. He is now back to being fussy and difficult to feed and probably still underweight (will get it checked at 2 yr check, still scared to go!) but I am worrying less. Mother and MIL are currently upset by his late speech development, again my fault due to dummy, another topic altogether.

You really need to get the message across to your interferring M and MIL that they are just that! Obviosuly you don't want to fall out with them, but you need to be concentratign on sorting out the 'issues' that we all come across rather than wasting brain power allowing them to stress you out. I'd put the husband on the case - let him take some flack for a few weeks!
Good luck - I'm appalled that some families always manage to cause traumas! (I'm getting all tense!)

Clucks, I'm glad to hear you are worrying less, but it's so unfair of your Mother and MIL to be piling all the extra stress on your shoulders. Out of interest, is your son their only grandchild, that may be a reason for their overbearing attitude (it doesn't excuse it though)?
As Janh said, if he will only eat scrambled eggs, then fine, at least he is eating something (I had a childhood friend who ate nothing but hard boiled eggs and she turned out OK!). Does your son eat his meals at the same time as you eat yours? You could try putting a little of what you are eating into his bowl at the dinner table, so he can see that Mummy eats it too, rather than straight from the kitchen - often, children see the food on Mummy's plate to be more appetising than their own (as is usually the case with my ds)!
And as for late speech development, my ds is nearly 2 1/2 and just about strings two words together, and most of the words he uses are 'da' 'ma' 'ha' 'ba', for most things starting with those sounds, so I wouldn't worry in the slightest!

Clucks: My DH is famous in the family for not talking until he was 3 yo -- and then it was straight into complete, non-stop sentences. He was quite the dummy boy, too. But point is, he speaks perfectly well now. Being a late talker didn't hurt him at all.

Clucks, you are obviously a caring mother and you are trying to do what is best for your ds. It is so hard to ignore your m and mil but in this situation you know your son best and you are trying your hardest for him. My ds1 now age 9 sounds exactly like janh's. Will only eat certain foods and brands, you can count every rib on him but he has boundless energy, It's very easy to say don't worry, but feed him what he will eat, get him to take vitamin supplements if you can and the situation will change. It may take a few years and it may be very gradual (mine has just tried cheese after all these years of trying!). I have lost patience in the past with my ds and tried to force him and it has resulted in him making himself sick (mothers day a good few years ago with both grandma's sat at the table and my ds vomiting up his dinner. Lovely!!) Now i just accept it and try to point out the hassle it is for mum making one meal for him and another for me and his brother and sister, no joy yet but I can't beleive that when he gets married we will have a meal of fish fingers chips and beans at the reception!

Dear clucks - I can really empathise - about the eating bit at least, but not about your families comments.

(I haven't read any of the advice given, as I'm in a hurry, so I'll apologise to ALL if I repeat /disregard other advice!)

A child not eating can make you feel so desperate & stressed out & guilty, and frankly I was very upset to read your fa,ily adding to your guilt. I stay at home full time & don't leave mine for a second, (I only dream of it!) so your mil or whoever can hypothsise to her hearts content about the reasons, but it's not actually helping, in fact, she's making the situation worse, because ime, parental stress about a child's lack of eating just perpetuates the situation.

My ds basically went on hunger strike for a LONG time - it started at about 16 months, and went on for a whole year. I felt guilty - me moved, we had another child, was it all my fault etc etc. To cap it all he was constantly ill - nothing major, just one cold after another, anaemia. I was at the doctors & HV's several times. I was really unhappy with their response, but everyone said the sa,e thing.

"It is not your job to worry about what your son eats. It is your job to provide only good nutritious food, then what he eats is his business" Frankly I was really p*d off by this, but looking back, he was right. Ds by the way would only eat plain yoghurt, dry bread & rice cakes. He wpould go a whole day on only one rice cake. I was totally beside myself. I would be sad, angry frustrated. Eventually it went on so long I even stopped cooking his food because It would make me too angry to just throw it all away, I'd just give him an apple or something.

Gradually, without us really noticing he started to eat again and now, without any effort on our part (once we'd finally given up stressing about it) he eats fine & we even allow him to eat rubbish again to.

He will grow out of it, he won't starve. Just try not to get stressed, don't let him eat rubbish, and try & find a way of getting your family to stop being so unbelievably unhelful.

Dear Clucks - I don't have any answers but just wanted you to know. My baby started off underweight and also went through this phase, I was worried because his weight went down even further than it already was. In the main most HVs are sympathetic or try to be helpful, at least mine was, she told me that providing he's happy and healthy don't worry about the amounts he eats just keep offering foods, the only other thing she said was that was if I was really worried just to get him checked out that there was nothing stoppping him eating (eg if he is teething his mouth may be very sore etc). I work full time and have a mil who has virtually never offered to help but has been full of criticism about whatever I do. Wish I could suggest more

Thanks for the new messages, monkey yours sounds just like him. I am much calmer generally, my mum is away at the moment, so I have some peace. Her job is to constantly advise me, usually critically, but because she helps out with him a lot and can't help being a battle-axe I try not to be rude.

I cook wonderful meals for him, which I end up eating myself (on top of my own meal) so get fatter and fatter. Don't care about fatness as pregnant again anyway. Sshhhh..
What makes my heart bleed is the waste, which is why I have to eat it, even when I don't want to.I just know that when he is old enough and still continues, I'll start lecturing him on disadvantaged children in the world who go without enough food. Just to make him hate me more.. here we go again.

Clucks, congrats on the new baby! As I said earlier, my ds1 sounds like yours and when ds2 came along I was so determined that it would be different, ds2 never had a jar or packet, always had a baby version of what we ate so that when he was older he would be different. Fat chance!!( I do sympathise on the eating leftovers! cold fish fingers yum yum!). 5 years along the line althought not as fussy as ds1 and will actually eat some veg he is still fussy about some things, ds1 would look at ds2's plate and keep telling him thatit was 'yuk'! and of course ds2 beleived him! I do have a dd who will eat anything and everything and as much as she can get of it, just in case I am getting a reputation as a fish finger queen!

I have seen first hand what "force feeding" a toddler does.... nothing good... the toddler stays difficult. The rule is : they don't starve themselves.
Also don't get your son just weighed but MEASURED too.... so you will see if there is a real problem or not. If he continues to grow you are basically all right. I think there is WAY too much pressure on food and kids IMO !

As for M and MIL.... well I have a slightly different opinion actually but it is based on my own experience.
My SIL's DS is a VERY fussy eater, developed quite late in motor skills, he is probably late in speech, cries all the time when not with mummy.... and both M and MIL think there is a real problem.... but SIL chooses to ignore them - in this case I do agree with M and MIL and wish my SIL would actually seek help. But she sees NO problem.
A bit of a dilemna.... I guess my point is - are M and MIL always wrong ? Are we sometimes not guilty of not wanting to see some problems (this may not apply to you clucks of course).

I have seen first hand what "force feeding" a toddler does.... nothing good... the toddler stays difficult. The rule is : they don't starve themselves.
Also don't get your son just weighed but MEASURED too.... so you will see if there is a real problem or not. If he continues to grow you are basically all right. I think there is WAY too much pressure on food and kids IMO !

As for M and MIL.... well I have a slightly different opinion actually but it is based on my own experience.
My SIL's DS is a VERY fussy eater, developed quite late in motor skills, he is probably late in speech, cries all the time when not with mummy.... and both M and MIL think there is a real problem.... but SIL chooses to ignore them - in this case I do agree with M and MIL and wish my SIL would actually seek help. But she sees NO problem.
A bit of a dilemna.... I guess my point is - are M and MIL always wrong ? Are we sometimes not guilty of not wanting to see some problems (this may not apply to you clucks of course).

How on earth would giving up work help?

Where is your partner in all this? Isn't it equally his responsibility? Does he feel guilty about working (if he does)? Does anyone make him feel guilty for doing so?

The problem is that he doesn't fancy anything. "Faddy" eating is the oldest problem in the history of being a parent and trust me, my HV told me no child ever starved of it. I was the same, my mother (unemployed, incidently, which shows working or not has nothing to do with it!) took me to the doctor and he told my mother that HE was the same when he was a child and was still fussy as he got older.

Surely your mother and your partner's mother would know that this is a common problem?

I have seen first hand what "force feeding" a toddler does.... nothing good... the toddler stays difficult. The rule is : they don't starve themselves.
Also don't get your son just weighed but MEASURED too.... so you will see if there is a real problem or not. If he continues to grow you are basically all right. I think there is WAY too much pressure on food and kids IMO !

As for M and MIL.... well I have a slightly different opinion actually but it is based on my own experience.
My SIL's DS is a VERY fussy eater, developed quite late in motor skills, he is probably late in speech, cries all the time when not with mummy.... and both M and MIL think there is a real problem.... but SIL chooses to ignore them - in this case I do agree with M and MIL and wish my SIL would actually seek help. But she sees NO problem.
A bit of a dilemna.... I guess my point is - are M and MIL always wrong ? Are we sometimes not guilty of not wanting to see some problems (this may not apply to you clucks of course).