Friendship, money and the politics of invitations to tea...

[barbarella]

A bit trivial but an annoying problem all the same! I have a friend whose dd is the same age as mine and whom I see several times a week. I regularly invite them to my house for tea and feed her dd and sometimes her as well (depends on what I'm doing - not if it's beans on toast just for the kids but I do if it's salad, bread and nibbly things). This invitation has never been returned. She is no better off than I am. We have been to hers but she never offers food, on the contrary, she seems to wait until we've gone to feed her dd. When mine has said she's hungry round there sometimes there's the odd snack but that's it. We usually go home if dd is hungry.

I did go through a phase where I stopped inviting them so I didn't see much of her. Fine, but my dd didn't see her dd either and they are really good friends. I don't want to deprive the two of them of each others company. I could suggest for that we meet somewhere neutral, like a playground or something but my dd still has to eat at teatime and it seems a shame to break up their play to go home and eat (especially when dd eats about 4.30 and school ends at 3.30 - wouldn't leave much time). If I ever produce food her dd always wants some (and is always hungry, massive appetite) and if I buy it in the playground then I feel as if my dd has to share with hers since she won't buy food there. Even if her child has already eaten she still always wants what mine is having (understandably). And they end up sharing, which I resent.

I do like her and she has helped me in other ways (small things that I equally do for her), but this situation is getting to me.

The straw thats broken my back is that recently she reckoned I owe a small amount of money (I probably do, it was when I didn't have some change to give her from something, under a fiver) and asked me for it and I am stunned! I want to say "excuse me, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I FED YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER???" but haven't quite got the nerve. I don't want to lose her friendship, I don't want our kids to stop seeing each other but I also hate this lack of recipricocity. Any ideas? Or should I just stop seeing her and stop offering supper? Is there a tactful solution? I have tried dropping hints but no effect. Anyone been there? Any ideas? Thanks.

You could suggest that you go for a picnic together. That way, you each get to buy your own food and your DD's playtime doesn't get messed up.
But I do sympathise!

I totally sympathise with you -- although each time you feed your friend's child its quite a trivial matter, it does all add up after a while.
Without knowing you or your friend, I think I would give the opposite advice to others in this thread, and try and broach the topic. You need to think out beforehand what you want to say and make sure you don't get aggressive or too personal, because as you say, its still nice to see your friend. And probably she doesn't have any idea she is winding you up like this and will be quite shocked with what you say.
If possible, I would leave out the money issue altogether, as that can be a really inflammatory subject.
Could you say something simple like -- I really value the time we all spend together, and its nice when the girls have tea together, but do you think we could eat at your house next time? I just feel like I'm always cooking....
Best, Lorien

I reckon you're going to get more resentful the less you say. She's either very thick-skinned, hung-up about cash, got a weird attitude to food/weight, or plain old Mean. Some lovely people are. And they get away with it because they are good at manipulation. Friendly, nice-mannered people, like many of us, are easy to exploit because they don't want to reject, they try to see the best side, all that. Eventually you just feel used and they move on to someone more cheerful. Telling everyone that you are tightfisted.
Sounds just like student house-share days.
I'd have one more go - offer to get an extra special snack for the kids next time you're together to make up for the 34p or whatever it was and that thereafter you think you should take turns. If she looks startled explain how these things usually work with other families, accuse yourself, laughingly, of being a bit of a scrooge and admit that her habit is getting up your nose. Make fun of yourself. Apologise like mad but make it clear you have Noticed. Good luck.

Just one other thought, when I invite friends with children round for lunch, etc, I do actually find it quite a trauma actually coming up with an idea of what to cook as I'm not a 'natural', it could be that your friend also worries about what to serve up and so is avoiding the issue. Could you suggest you go around to hers and say something like it is a shame to have to go home for tea-time so can you bring some tinned beans to give at tea-time. I'm thinking she would probably say something along the lines that she could get the beans in and maybe that would cover the matter. I agree though, unless you tackle the issue you will end up resenting her more and more.