Is it cruel to make him eat good food

[Trifle]

People congratulate me on how well both boys eat but they dont see the nightly screaming tantrum that I endure in order to get them to eat healthily. The youngest is ok (3) but ds1 (4)invariably will scream, shout, shove his plate across the table, refuse to eat (initially) then concede after much cajoling. A friend came round the other day at teatime so I apologised in advance for the tantrum that was to follow when I served paella and sure enough it happened. I am quite particular in what I serve them and dont do MacDonalds or any other kind of fast food, crisps, nuggets, chips (unless homemade although that too will result in screaming) etc and weekly meals consist of fairly healthy homemade stuff although nothing that takes longer than 20 minutes to prepare. I am certainly not a slave to the kitchen and was brought up on decent wholesome stuff and dont remember ever disliking it. Even if I was to serve stuff like nuggets with loads of veg he would eat the nuggets then have a screaming tantrum about everything else on his plate he wouldnt want to eat. He loves his food and is desperate for meal times to come more quickly so really looks forward to sitting down untill his meal is presented to him. I know what I am cooking is good tasty stuff but I feel quite sorry for him sometimes that he seems to not enjoy anything I cook at all. At a recent family gathering for sunday lunch (carvery) he ate nothing and sat in the restaurant complaining that it was all yuk. Social situations are more difficult as his tantrum has to be contained and can become quite strained. Will it get to the point in a few years time when it all backfires and he refuses to eat or he will finally calm down?

would it be possible to get him to help with the cookig - even if only stirring vegetables after straining. Good Lucj - BTW I think what you are doing is fantastic and he wil appreciate it when he gets older. We always had home cooked food as kids - hatd it but what I wouldn't give now for ameal that didn't come out of the freezer.

As an aside (sorry to hijack your thread) what kind of things do you cook as i would love to cook more homemade stuff for DD (4)but run out of ideas as she doesn't like to eat pieces of meat as it takes too much effort.

Don't feel bad - I think that wht you are doing is wonderful - it will pass and your kids will be grateful. (Otherwise you can always adopt me!)

Maybe it might be easier on you both if you calmly present him with his food and let him eat or not eat as he wishes. If he's hungry and learns there are no alternatives then he may tyr. I really don't think it's a good idea to make food such an issue.
DS1 has a very limited appetite, what he eats is healthy but not very varied. I've tried to make him eat but it just upset both of us. Although it's fustrating, he's healthy on the small selection of food he does like. I remember being very fussy as a child and now eat everything.

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sort of agree with eefs and twiglett. He is using food to get your attention - and if you are cajoling him then it is working! From now on, no more cajoling, pleading or giving any attention for not eating. Calmly give him his food. Ignore grumbling, moaning, shrieking and if there is any throwing or tantrums do what you would normally do for those (ie time out, naughty step) or just take the food away and end the meal. iF he hated he food he wouldn't eat it and he wouldn't look forward to mealtimes, so my guess is he enjoys the food but he enjoys the attention he gets for playing up even more and it's become a bit of a habit. In the carvery, I wouldn't insist he ate anything, but I would totally ignore him until he acted in a reasonably civil way. You certainly aren't cruel at all, quite the contrary, but I do suspect your reaction is fuelling his behaviour and a change could turn it around quite quickly.

Im with Aloha with this one, I would just give him the food and totally ignore the tantrumming. At the end of the day, he knows hes got to eat it (or he will go hungry) and maybe you could offer a jelly baby or something AFTER dinner if everyone eats nice and quietly.

what about sometimes asking him what he wants to eat and cooking that, then if he complains you can say well you chose it; or occasionally doing some tapas style meals so he can pick some things to eat and leave others.

Thinking about it he is quite a difficult child, a big guy, very strong and prone to moods which all seem to manifest themselves at mealtimes. I know it's his behaviour at the table I need to work on and get him to react more calmly although at 4.5 years he's been like this for years with no improvement. I hate eating in public with him as he will be very vocal in his displeasure and threats to withhold pudding dont sway him.

I too cook 'proper' meals every night for ds, aged 2 and 3/4, to take to nursery the following day as I found nursery food too 'convenient' ie. chips, pizza, tinned sauces, mr kipling cakes - which, don't get me wrong, have their place in the great scheme of things, but as I'm bringing ds up as a demi veggie (ie, he occasionally eats fish) his diet is important to me.

As for the tantrums, I'm strict mum. If he doesn't eat what's put in front of him, he goes hungry. No fuss made. (possibly a banana before bed if he doesn't eat a thing). I agree that "cajoling" your ds could be giving him the negative attention that he wants.

I have a few quick and easy recipes that I can pass on which are pretty successful and which I've adapted from meaty ones. email me at [email protected] if you're interested and I'll sort it out.

My own problem is that I'm exhausted by the end of the day, what with studying full time to become a midwife and cooking good food!

Good luck, and don't worry too much. I believe kids will take what they need nutritionally.

D'Louise -- my tip, cut up veg/spuds the night b4, makes it less rushed in eves.

Trifle-U r a woman after my own heart - we "make" our kids eat healthy, too. I tell the kids they need "balance", & even 2yo dd understands that 2 get a bag of crisps 4 a snack she must have some fruit first if DS eats all his veg 4 tea he gets pudding, or maybe a single sweet, or a couple of smarties. We're not overlords DS doesn't have to eat courgettes, because he doesn't like them, for instance.

Not cruel, just teaching good habits/making 'em healthy.

When out and about I try to have the buggy/my bags loaded with fruit for snacks... if I did offer fish fingers (never even bought them, tbh), I would put just a few on the plate and then promise more when all the veg disappeared. DS did tantrum when we put these rules in (he was about 2.5yo), but he's 4yo now and eats really well for us. 2.5yo DD iz less reliable, but we don't make an issue of it. She eats all her veg. in the eve or nothing until breakfast except water.

I take the view that I won't cook several different meals every night until I find one everyone likes but no-one has to eat anything they don't want to eat in our house. If, however, they don't want what's on offer they can help themselves to something else - in other words, I'm not going to cook it. Since the only options are healthy ones it means they have to eat something that's good for them, even if it's not whatever I cooked. I agree about food and attention.

Hang on in there, Trifle. I went through similar trials with my 2 eldest. They are now (8 and 10) very good eaters, although the 8 yr old isn't wild about green veg. In fact when we go to restaurants they choose from the adult menu and are very adventurous in their choices. I have managed to bypass the chicken nugget scenario entirely with my 5 year old, and am currently weaning ds3 (6mos).What worked for me:
-no cajoling (I agree it gives out the wrong "negative attention" message)
-remove uneaten food after a reasonable time

• do offer a banana, or plain bread and butter if necessary, but after and sepatate from the uneaten meal. That way it appears less like an inevitable option; they won't go to bed hungry, but you are not a restaurant -stay calm !