Eating together as a family

[oxocube]

Yes, we all know we should be doing it more ofter. No, not another sex thread, but eating together with our kids! I feel incredibly guilty about this one, but, if I'm honest, the last thing I feel like doing at the end of the day is sitting down to dinner with my kids. For a start, they eat at about 5ish (they are 6,4 and almost 8 months) and I never like to eat dinner before 8ish (otherwise I end up eating again before I go to bed - sooo greedy .
Also, I don't know about other mums, but I would like to eat dinner in peace, perhaps with my d.h. when he is home, or even on my own with a nice glass of wine and a good book. I think by the end of the day, I have earned it! Also, my d.h. is rarely home before 7, so I reckon this is too late for little kids to be up and about.

However, I do think we are made to feel very guilty about this. Loads of adverts show images of happy smiley families eating together, and we are constantly told that the reason kids have so many 'food issues' these days is that they eat a lot of junk and that eating as a family is a rarity these days. I take on board these points, and whilst feeling they may well be valid, I still prefer to eat after the children have gone to bed. Yes, the baby may wake up or need checking (see other thread on C.C which is working, but still hard) but I would rather eat at 10 and have a bit of peace than eat at 5 with my kids, much as I love them.

Incidentally, we do make a point of going out for lunch 'en famille' every Saturday, and the kids love trying differnet foods and are not in the least bit fussy, eating anything from seafood, to Chinese, Indian and (I cannot lie here :0 , McDonalds!!)Also, I cook Sunday lunch, which we eat together.

What do you all think about this issue? Am I just very selfish or do other mums and dads feel the same way? Look forward to your opinions.

No, I don't think you are selfish. Of course there are things that we should all do in a perfect world - but who has a perfect world!?

I'm sure that, like me, you eat lunch and/or breakfast with your kids. As you say, you all eat together at weekends, so don't beat yourself up over this. You should always have some time with your dh, and one meal a day is a brilliant time, because it means that you can talk, without the TV on or any other distraction.

Having said all that, I have also felt guilty about not eating at 5.30 with my ds, so I should take my own advice!! He eats like a dustbin, so not seeing me eat dinner has obviously not slowed his development at eating.

We sit down and eat breakfast together in the morning - it gives us a few minutes together as a family in the rush to get ready for work and nursery each day.

We usually don't eat together every evening. Often the kids have eaten so much at nursery that they don't want a full meal, so I sit them up to the table at about 6pm with a plate of fruit, sandwiches, yoghurt etc. Sometimes I eat my meal with them if dh is going to be late home from work, and sometimes we eat together once the kids are in bed. What I don't allow except on very special occasions is eating in front of the TV - I want them to focus on the meal and talk to me or one another, not just shovel food into their faces mindlessly. (I do appreciate that this is going to get harder to enforce as they get older!)

God, I sound just like my mother .

However, at weekends we make an effort to eat as a family. We usually swim first thing on Sunday, then have a special breakfast (cooked or croissants). Sunday evening we have a proper meal with the table laid nicely with candles etc, and the kids have their juice in grown up wine glasses, which they love.

I don't think you should feel guilty about not eating with your kids every day. I find it hard to relax and enjoy a meal when I'm having to jump up and down every few minutes to fetch juice, mop up spills etc. As long as you have some meals with them in a week so that they see you trying different foods and learn how to behave correctly at the table, then that's fine IMHO.

Oh I think we'd all lke to eat together as a family in an ideal world. We did as children and I like the idea but it's often unworkable. I really enjoy a proper grown up supper with dp after ds has gone to bed so we can talk properly and without interruption. We do Sunday lunch quite often though and I rarely allow food in front of the tv. So I'm turning into my mother too as I'm sure we all do

I'm so pleased I'm not the only one!! I read yesterday in Annabel Karmel's Toddler Meal Planner ( can't remember the correct title) that her family has always eaten together, and usually the same food. She wrote that when her kids were very small, she fed her husband on soups which were really baby purees with a bit of salt added! Now I like some of her recipes but I would love to see d.h's face if I served him carrot puree for dinner.

Though should add that sometimes thats more than he deserves

We eat as a family at the w/es for every meal. dh is keen as since we started eating at 5.15pm he's lost quite a bit of weight. It aids the digestion to eat early!! I eat with ds1 at 12noon and 5.15pm during the week, to reduce mess and effort, and because dh rarely gets home early enough to eat with me on our own. With a ds2 at 7weeks, I tend to be in bed by 9pm and hate going to sleep on a full stomach, something left over from pg! ds1 was a very picky feeder pre 1yrs but since I joined him in his meals, his appetite and feeding skills have really come on. We all eat the same food now, adults just add a little S+P if wanted.

I cherish my lovely evenings with dp, supper and a glass of wine (or currently no-alcohol lager )! I couldn't bear to give that up, although expecting to put it on hold for a while after the baby's born.

We all have breakfast together every day, and lunch probably 3 or 4 times a week.

Dd's FAVOURITE thing, and the one I feel is the most bonding and fun, is eating out all together as a family, even if its just a coffee/milk in a cafe. Pizza Express is a great place for Sat lunch and we all really enjoy it.

Lol, oxocube, I remember reading that exact thing in AK's baby food book and feeling really worried that dp wouldn't like broccoli and carrot puree/soup! (He doesn't, and we never did get the hang of eating baby food!)

We're very fortunate in that my dh works from home, and we all sit down at the table to eat together three times a day - though sometimes one of us isn't there. Because of dh's flexibility we nearly always have 'dinner' at lunchtime - the kids eat better then, and it's supposed to be healthier too - and then sandwiches or salad for tea. This is very important to us, and does take some effort and planning, but I realise it just isn't a realistic possibility for many people these days.

oxocube - I agree entirely - I relly cannot stand eating with my DS, I know that sounds mean, but it is so messy, horrible etc - even at breakfast - I tend to feed him first & then he plays whilst I linger over my coffee & newspaper. I know we all should eat with our children, but the reality is often not very pleasant - I'm sure it is my fault as I am a bit of a 'foodie' & love nothing better than preparing a gourmet meal (for myself if DH out!!). We do have lunch together, and with DH at weekends but the evening meal - no way!! But, agree with others, we would never (any of us) eat in front of the TV, meal times, whether I am eating or not, are always 'an occasion'.

Yes, we're made to feel so guilty if we're not the Oxo Family, I agree. We eat together but usually (oh shame & horror) in front of TV as we've no table in the kitchen! Also I learnt early on in battles over food that my daughter will keep shovelling food in if she's watching something she likes, as opposed to sitting for hours eating nothing & messing about. There, the confession's out!!

We're the same as you KMG, dh works from home too and we have the vast majority of our meals together. When I worked, it was shift work, so I've always been used to eating early (and starting the day early!). It is important to me as it's the time I remember, as a child, as being the one time we were all together, when we could talk. And I love the fact that once the girls are in bed, that's it for me for the day, no cooking,tidying up etc. Just a beer and a bath.
But I'm well aware our circumstances may change, and that we would need to adapt things. In the end IME, it's a question of balance and personnal choice.
Oxocube, in no way are you selfish, everyone needs their own bit of sanity in the day! People just have different ways of doing it.

Empress you've inspired me to confess all! I don't often eat with ds, occassionally lunch but supper time is for me and dh, often in front of Eastenders! However at the weekends we have big breakfasts all together,lunch and usually a meal out one night or a roast lunch so I don't feel too bad.Ds loves it when we all eat together but like others have said, your up and down all the time so its hardly relaxing!

Much as its working for ds1's eating habits to eat together, can't wait to get back to an adult only meal. We tried a Rogan chicken supper with ds1 the other day, he kept spitting it out and saying hot, hot, hot, so looks like curry is still off the menu!! And I object to handing over my tasty fillet steak, only to watch it being spat out again after a 5min chew session!

I don't think anyone should feel guilty. What about you time too ? I definitely enjoy my glass of wine and nice relaxing meal once dd is in bed. However, I always make a point of eating lunch with her together where possible.

When the kids are all older you can do it. Perhaps starting with your oldest.

I think it would be wrong to keep them up too later. Also, they have each others company for tea too.

Don't feel guilty. There's plenty of time for that later on and as long as they sometimes eat with you. I often take dd out for lunch and she loves it (8 months) so we are teaching her the social pleasure of eating but she probably won't eat with us in the evening till she's quite a bit older.

I think the best time to eat changes as the family grows (up) and work patterns change. Do what fits you best, but try to eat together when you can. One thing I found useful - and quite fun - was to have a high tea on a Sunday evening. It seems to take less time than a proper meal, and sandwiches and cakes are more 'help yourself' so there are fewer arguments.

I have found that eating together has caused a lot of arguments over food, so watch out if one of you is 'eat everything put in front of you' and the other is 'stop when you are not hungry'. I'm the latter, and huge rows have only just stopped as my dh eventually realised that trying to get one slightly overweight child to eat a bit less wasn't helped by forcing him to clear his plate every time. (Slow or what.)

Also (you can tell I am the mother of boys!) we argue a lot about farting at the table and whether it can be controlled or not!

We do our best to sit down together for tea every night, mainly as my happiest childhood memories are of big family meals together. BUT Friday night is grown up night - we wait until they are in bed, have a nice meal and a bottle of wine and don't put the telly on - and it's great.

Copper , At last, another family whose meal time conversation centres around poos and farts!! Yesterday, d.s.1 (nearly 7) lulled me into a false sense of security by starting a sensible conversation about what he would like to be when he grows up. He decided (this week!) to be a pilot: "Yes mummy, a fighter pilot" (few seconds silence) "Or should that be a FARTER pilot" Ha ha ha! The sad thing was, I couldn't stop laughing either

Like, susanmt, some of my best childhood memories are of family dinners together (although both my parents worked full time they managed to fit it in). I think it's important to do what works for your own lifestyle. My son is only 18 mo. but we always try to eat dinner as a family and we all love it. Both my husband and I work full time so we have dinner at 7ish with our son and he doesn't go to bed until 9pm (italian style) so we can spend time with him. None of us have to be up particularly early for work/childcare. We also try to have family meals on the weekends when my stepkids are with us and they love it as they don't have family meals in their own home....Though I do have to say that the conversation does tend to center around poos and farts. The biggest compliment you can give my stepson (8) is that his farts/poos are WAY smellier than his dad's.

It is really interesting that you say "Italian style" because I think that as well as simply being a matter of personal preference and lifestyle, it is also cultural. When we have been on holiday in the Mediterranean with traditional English middle class families, we felt really weird because we wanted to eat dinner late together, but they all wanted their kids to eat early and go to bed. We started having our dinner on a tray on our balcony, and made friends with another weird family that was doing the same. When we went to the Caribbean, all the other tourists were from USA or Canada and everyone had dinner with their kids, and there was even a children's entertainment put on until 10 pm every day. It is quite noticeable at Nursery that the parents who like their children to stay up late are very concerned that they have 1-3 hours' afternoon nap, but the parents who believe in 7 pm bedtimes are very keen for their children not to nap. Everybody is different. I don't think that anyone can make you feel guilty about any of the choices you make unless you let them.

Cityfreak, i was interested in your observations about Americans and Canadians. Although I am American I have been in London for 4 years and have not lived in the States with children. I always thought that the parents here seem to feed their children and put them to bed earlier than what I remember from the us, but I put that down to my not having had children when I lived in the us and my mother being Italian so I assumed that what she did with us was an Italian thing, not American. I shall have to start polling my American friends. (and I'll ask about naps too).

I'm like Batey. On the days I am working I would not like to contemplate having put my son to bed for 7.45 (ish) and then to start cooking a meal, eating it, clearing up etc. But since I don't get home until 6.15 its not practical to put DS to bed any sooner. Besides the fact that food eaten regularly that late would land rather heavily, I think. Also I do enjoy us having meals together despite the inevitable downside of my own meal not always being piping hot. I'm fairly sure DS also enjoys the interaction and eats better. I have certainly noticed over the last couple of months that he checks that I am feeding him roughly the same as we are eating!!

It takes some organisation and freezing of prepared meals to ensure that this works but it does work for us. On the occasions when DH and I eat alone this becomes a treat. But I can see that for other people who have different routines etc or have been at home with children all day every day different arrangements might suit.

I am a stay-at-home mum and we have breakfast and (a main meal) lunch together. The children eat thier tea at 5pm, but theres no way I could face eating at that time. Sometimes I will have maybe toast, with them, but, never a meal. They go to bed around 7pm, and after that I will eat. This works well for us, and I am lucky to have their company all day. If my kids go to bed any later they are grumpy the next day. But as has been said before - different things work for different people.

Hi oxocube, I know exactly how you feel about this issue. Infact my mom has talked to me several times in the past about this. (just motherly advice I guess.) My dh is in school 3 nights a week and works the rest of the week except Sunday till 7:00 pm. My kids eat about 6;00 every night. I stay at home everyday so by the time dinner is cooked my nerves are shot. I too find it so difficult to stomach food after a long day of stress. I myself am always feeling guilty about not sitting as a family for meals. I feel it is important to as much as you can just for the family time together but I just cant wait to get them done and out of the way so when they do go to bed I can sit, eat and relax. I do try and eat together when my dh is home but it seems so stressful at the table. I too cook on Sundays if we dont eat out and we do sit at the table. But thats about it. I wish things were more like it was when I was young. My whole family would eat together everyday at around the same time. I guess it could be still Im probally just not putting much effort into it. Hopefully Ill get better.