At the end of my tether

[LissaQ]

I'm just getting this off my chest, I know I sound rabid but it's the end of a very long toddler day. DS is 3 yrs 2 months and for the past 6 months has narrowed down his diet to cheap sausage rolls and cream cheese sandwiches -and if I actually want him to eat them I have to feed him myself. I've tried it all, cooking healthy meals, sitting at the table all together, smiley bloody potato faces, rewards, stars, threats - you name it, it doesn't work. He doesn't fill up on snacks, he doesn't eat between meals, he doesn't eat junk, I'd frankly be grateful if he ate a crisp - it's a potato, it was once a vegetable - but no. He has never, ever once told me he is hungry, or even thirsty. He always says he's too tired to eat, even at breakfast, so I've shifted meals forwards and back to find a time when he isn't too tired - there is no such time. Though in fact he is full of energy, plays riotous football. Had 3 year check with HV - his height and weight are above average, god knows how. Discussed all this with her she said he'd come round in time - not sure I can last. This is a boy who can take up to 15 mins to chew one mouthful - and has, in the past, kept a mouthful of soup for 30 mins rather than swallow. I just don't know what to do anymore and I could sit down and cry, in fact, I think I will. He only has milk morning and night, water or juice with non existent meals during the day. I just can't seem to get through to him. I really enjoy cooking and would like nothing more than to cook for my family but it is completely impossible!!!! If there is a cosy padded cell somewhere please forward the address, my bags are packed.
Thanks for listening!

Oh Lissa, you are having such a hard day! Would he eat if somebody else rather than you was to offer him food (partner, grandparents, neighbours, friens, older children) or if he was watching another toddler eat? I really have no idea how you could solve this problem but maybe if he copied somebodyelse it might work. Have you tried McDonalds? (sorry, just a joke) How abot a picnic? Or going to a restaurant or pub, soething like that. Sorry if you tried all these already, i really have no idea what works ,but just to let you know i appreciate what a delicate situation you're in.

Thanks for the sympathy - it's what I need! I've tried all of the above, he goes to nursery 3 days a week and won't eat there either. I'm just so worried I'm giving him all sorts of food hang ups that will re-visit him in later life. I'm just frustrated at my own inability to help him enjoy his food. Obviously would still accept addresses for padded cells, single occupancy!!

:0 it's nice to see you've still got a sense of humour.
if he's in great shape (height, weight) thatn you needn't worry too much at the moment but i completely understand how frustrating it is for you, especially as you like cooking. I've just thought of another thing - you've probably done it already. Try one of those ready mix bags you get at the supermarket for making muffins or fairy cakes. It's a powder you add eggs and water and bake them. It's so easy he might actually enjoying the cooking process and maybe try and eat some afterwards. It's food after all. Calories . Good for him.

that's what i meant to type earlier

Hi Lisa
Just want to add my support/sympathy. My DS is nearly 3 and his eating (or not) has absolutely taken over my life! I'm sorry to say that because I've got so upset about it in the past that it has affected my relationship with him and I've probably given him all kinds of hang ups etc. I've now got a baby girl and I'm determined that we have a happy atmosphere at the dinner table. My son will actually eat a fairly wide range of food but it takes me ages to get him to try something new and the quantity he eats is tiny. He also takes ages to eat, which irritates the hell out of me! Yesterday we went to Ikea and he had meatballs and chips, fine, but I asked him if he would like to try the cranberry sauce stuff that goes with it and he actually cried because he so was so scared of trying it! Sorry, this isn't helping you at all. My strategy that I'm desperately trying to stick to is to try one new meal each week, not to get cross with him no matter what happens and to keep the atmosphere friendly. I think if your son is above average height and weight, something is going in and you need to be reassured by that. My boy is a skinny little thing, about 9th percentile. Like everyone tells us, I'm sure it will improve eventually!

Has he always been like this Lissa? Is it possible that this is an extremely trying phase? My dd is only 19 months but has so far been a terribly picky eater with a v. minimal palate. All the things that kids are supposed to 'love' like bananas, toast, nuggets, she won't touch. I get very bored giving her the same lunch and tea day after day, it's been the same for around 6 months now. I keep hoping she'll grow out of it but maybe it'll get worse! Unlike your son though dd is quite small, just under the 25th centile. I've driven myself mad with worry and guilt and stress but just lately I've sort of got fed up with worrying and am just getting on with it. I do know that if they sense a 'battle' they'll dig their heels in more than ever.

If he is above average for height and weight then LissaQ, I promise you he is eating plenty and you really have nothing to worry about. My suggestion is: give him milk and a vitamin tablet at breakfast as insurance so you don't feel worried (tell him the vitamins are sweeties!). Then resolve not to worry AT ALL for a week. Offer him things he likes/has eaten in the past - bits and stuff like ham, Babybels, biscuits, cream cheese sandwiches (!) - stuff he can easily eat with his fingers if need be, be light and relaxed about it and don't panic. Take the food away if he doesn't eat it - just say, have you finished? OK then. Set yourself a week of this and see how it goes. Really, if he is healthy, full of energy and a good weight and height then he is getting the calories he needs and really, really doesn't need any more.

Aloha is absolutely right. If he has a cup of milk and a vitamin at breakfast, and refuses to eat anything else during the day, then so what? That's his choice. He won't starve himself. Offer him food he likes, and if he doesn't want to eat, say OK. If you don't make a big deal out of it, he won't have any food hang-ups.

Thank you all - I feel much better knowing I'm not alone. I don't know why it got to be so badly yesterday but "tomorrow is another day" so I'm going to do my best to relax, breathe deeply and TRY to stop worrying and hope I haven't already done irreparable damage to the poor boys psyche! Parents, who'd have 'em! Thanks. All suggestions will be tried!

Oh Lissa, your message made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I know exactly what you're going through as my ds has always been a rubbish eater and we've tried (literally) hundreds of things. People tell me not to worry as he's happy and active and to ignore the fact that he's skinny and on the 2nd percentile! It's so difficult not to worry but I really am trying not to worry anymore. It's just not worth it. We limit mealtimes to 30 mins so in that time, if he's only taken a couple of teaspoons of food (and he normally spits out bits of it so it's probably less than that), then that's fine. I refuse to get stressed about it. My mum told me that I was heading for a nervous breakdown and I was becoming a really horrible person as a result of getting stressed up over his eating. Obviously I'm not implying that you're heading for a breakdown and you sound like a really cool person but please don't get stressed about it.

What put ds's eating into perspective for me was my mum's comments and the fact that ds became really ill with gastro. I was so worried with the gastro that I don't care how much he eats anymore, as long as he's happy and active. DS also sees a dietician and a paediatrician every 3 months (he's got loads of allergies and eczema) so I figure that if he really is that bad, they'd hospitalise him. I know this probably doesn't sound very reassuring but it's just to indicate to you that it could get a lot worse and it doesn't sound like your ds is even close to thate. Your ds's growing fine and ok, he's eating the same old food all the time but he sounds happy and active. Why worry?

Best of luck and do try not to worry.

G

PS I don't know if you want to try our eating strategy but we plonk him in front of a Baby Einstein DVD, he watches and 'eats' whilst I feed him but I do have a book on my lap to read whilst he chews and chews and chews (each 'mouthful' takes about 5 to 10 mins). This has been the path of least resistance for us (we've tried the eating together, eating at restaurants, eating with other children, eating and singing songs etc etc).

lissa, there was an article in yesterday's guardian/parents section that you might find interesting/reassuring (sorry can't do links)

good luck

My sons cousin when aged 3 ate nothing but jam sandwiches for 8 months once... Doctor said to his out of her mind mother, jam is fruit, bread is carbohydrate, sneak a bit of butter in there and leave him until he asks you, this killed her to do as she is earth mother personified, so she left him to eat his jam sandwiches, took him away from the dinner table or if he was there offered him NOTHING at all.. Backed off food totally infact, he had to as for EVERY morsel he ate. Then one day he asked for a jam sandwich she said, sorry I have no jam, only cheese or peanut butter.
He came back two hours later and ate half a loaf of bread with half the jar of peanut butter and ate some normal dinner, he now aged 6 eats pretty normally although has never been keen on raw fruit.
Some folks think that children play around with eating as it is one thing they can truly control, sometimes you need to take away the battle and then see what remains, I cannot imagien how I would deal with it, luckily both my kids are hogs.
Good luck I am only telling you what worked for my cousin, not an endorsement but it did from dietician and paediatrican!

Lissa, I know how you feel. My DS has now gone from eating casseroles and that sort of thing (must be liquidised) to eating nothing but weetabix, fromage frais and biscuits. He drinks fruit juice and will eat ice cream but absolutely nothing else. He's 21 months and has boundless energy. He either sits with his lips so tight shut it's painful or just says okay and shoves the spoon away.
Like you we've tried everything. I don't ever see us being able to go to a restaurant.
Seeing as he's not at an age where we can bargain with him and anything else just ends up as a screaming match (both of us), I'm just going to back off and speak to the HV at his next check. It's probably not the healthiest thing to do but I don't want him to be frightened of food and he might associate it with being upset. Silly I know, but this is the child that won't take calpol because it's pink.
Please try not to stress. I know it's hard but it might get better. It might be just a phase but if not, there's plenty of advice and ideas here. If not, I'm sure I'll be joining you in the padded cell!!
Take Care