3yo making mealtimes a misery - all suggestions appreciated!

[evertonmint]

DD is 3.3, a generally very good eater but blessed with a quick temper and drama queen tendencies Since mid-December we've had a poor run of illness where she was off all food for days so being cajoled and indulged to eat anything, swiftly followed by Christmas celebrations and Christmas itself with family so all sorts of cajoling to just eat and then a 10 day holiday with grandparents along so jetlag, eating in restaurants, parents just trying to get her to eat without fuss and GPs with their own way of cajoling child to eat. As a consequence, she is all over the place with eating and her behaviour at the table has become appalling. She is fine until we ask her to come to the table when she starts crying and screaming that she hates the food (even though she doesn't know what it is at that point), refusing to sit on her chair, screaming if we interact, crying fakely if we don't etc. she will hardly eat anything even if it is food she likes. She might eat if she sits on a lap but not certain and i don't want to encourage this. It's miserable for us all (her, 5yo DS who eats well , me and DH who generally cooks and gets quite cross if she doesn't eat what he's made which is understandable but doesn't help).

Willing to consider all tips to get her back on track - before, during and after meal, anything really.

I know this might be better in behaviour but wanted to try here as it gets the traffic and this is really about getting her to eat yummy food which you all talk about lots

If she won't sit nicely at the table, maybe send her to sit on the step while the rest of you eat? If she chooses not to have dinner she'll be pretty hungry by breakfast.

I have had similar issues with my 3 year old too. I tell him it's up to him if he eats, but it isn't ok to ruin meal times for everyone else - so the choice is either sit up at the table or sit on the step til we're finished.

Does your son sit on the step? I fear I would end up putting her back every 30 seconds so still ruining our meal IYSWIM, although I suppose she wouldn't realise this.

No, he'd rather sit at the table than sit on the step so I guess it's just a threat at this stage!

evertonmint, Thank God you didn't put this in AIBU! You'd be mincemeat by now.

Your DD is just three and has experienced a difficult time for the last month which is a long time in a little girl's life. She was ill, had jet-lag, a 10-day holiday, GPs, and the over-excitement of Christmas. It sounds like she is out of routine and over-stimulated. You 'cajole' her to eat. There is also temper from the parent who cooks and DD won't/can't eat.

Lighten up I think.

if she's previously been a good eater and table-sitter-atter! :o then I' go down the route of a few firm favourites sitting at the table, Maybe even elevenses, lovely cakes, biscuits, juice just to get her back to normal

I am all for the no choice options, but in a very upbeat Joyce Grenfell, spit spot, Mary Poppins fashion, so before they have even had time to realise they have been railroaded into sitting at the table nicely they have eaten their cake and are onto the next thing.

Jamnan - would never post in AIBU again after getting a post-partum shouting at on there by one person that started a bunfight with others piling in on whether that person (not me) was being unreasonable or not :) But yes you are right that we do need to lighten up so there is one less tension at the table Actually I have, loads, but DH is finding it harder - am working on him! I'm now just trying to work out the best way of encouraging the good behaviour she has previously shown. The shouting and ruining the meal for everyone is actually the thing I want to get a handle on more than her eating - she won't starve herself, and now there are no grandparents around I don't feel compelled to get stuff inside her in the same way. But the screaming is really unacceptable behaviour given she is well.

Will try the sitting at the table for snacks, drinks etc. That might work - she is great at breakfast as she's very hungry and well-rested, so she's not a complete table and food refuser.

What about letting her help to cook the meal or to help prepare a small part of the meal. She might be more happy to sit there and eat it if she was involved in it's preparation, especially if everyone else can praise her for what she has done.

My 'spirited son' has gone through tricky times and generally the more relaxed and breezy I am the more compliant he is! Some good strategies I've had are: 'everyone has to sit at the table-I won't make you eat anything but this is the mealtime-you will sit here with the family and be well behaved but you can choose if you eat or not' as it cuts short any cajoling or anger from me to him about why he won't eat the fantastic food I've prepared! Surprisingly suggested by my mum and effective! Ime sending child to step backfires big time and causes a huge scene but they're all different. Also try and cut back snacks, stick to safe bets and really focus on putting routine back and early dinner before meltdowns!

And second the cooking suggestion-and weirdly the planning of what's for dinner has also helped my LOs attitude to food- now I'm converted meal planner. Do you give her 5 min warning and chance to finish what she's doing before dinner?

Id be tempted to put her in her room (after a warning). if she can't sit at the table nicely, she is not lowed to ruin everyone else's meal time. Personally I'd avoid fussing about the amount she eats (infact font even mention the food) and instead concentrate in making meal times chatty and fun.

Progress to report

I told DH we should lighten up on her eating and that we should just focus on getting her to sit nicely at the table which he has agreed with. She has been back at nursery this week and eaten her lunch well so we know she is no longer off food and wasting away which helps!

Anyway been doing a 5 minute and 1 minute warning, and doing a sticker chart for sitting nicely. She hasn't ever responded to sticker charts before but this has worked well. First day she screamed for a bit but soon calmed down when I mentioned the sticker. We also get her to the table and ignore any of the fuss, just reminding her of the sticker and giving positive comments when
she is sitting nicely.

We're a few days in and, apart from one meal where we got her down and put her on the sofa away from the table, the grumbling (no longer shrieking!) about sitting at the table lasts a minute or two but then she calms down and sits nicely most of the meal with odd lapse, so back to perfectly acceptable 3 year old behaviour!

She still is being funny about food, complaining that she doesn't like it even when she does. She is trying to have lots of conversations about how she hates it - trying to get the attention back that she was getting before but rather than engage we're now just doing the suggested "if you don't want to eat that's fine but thank you for sitting nicely" then swiftly diverting the conversation to something else.

We'll get there. We are getting there!

Thanks for the advice - some really useful tips here which I'm sure i'll need again either with her or DC3 due in a few months!