4 separate evening mealtimes - any suggestions?

[MandyD]

Before I collapse with exhaustion! My son has long-standing eating problems so I give him his tea when he asks so as not to make him freak out at the sight of food. This can be any time between 4.30 and 6pm. Then my partner (who also has eating problems - starts arguments around the time when food is served and then accuses me of putting him off his food etc) gets in from work between 5.30 and 6 and wants to eat. He normally has a sandwich, but not if my son is eating at the same time etc etc.

I suggested that I cooked a meal for all of us at 6 but he wasn't interested, saying oh I might eat out, don't know whether I'll be going straight out after I've changed blah, blah.

I'm diabetic and have to eat 30 minutes after I've taken my medication. My son will tantrum if he sees anyone else eating because he won't eat the food himself. So I can't win - sometimes I try to get my son into bed while cooking a meal but chances are he'll play up on purpose. Generally I don't cook and eat (ever tried cooking silently?!) until he's sound asleep, which means 9pm. This doesn't do my health any good as it can be 8 hours since my lunch.

Then my partner decides he wants a meal or a sandwich around 11pm, which I have to prepare as he is too noisy and wakes my son up. Sorry to have waffled a bit, this is such a minefield in our house and everyone is just getting more and more miserable. Any ideas about getting out of this vicious circle would be appreciated.

MandyD - what a difficult situation, I really feel for you and am grateful that that I don't have your problems.

Just some ideas - do you all eat the same type of food (even at different times?) and do you have a microwave? Would there be any mileage in making up one big meal (don't know when you can fit it in, that's another problem!) & then re-heating when each person is ready to eat? Or how about sticking to sandwiches/soup/salad type meals - could you make up a big pile of sandwiches & then your partner can have his when he is ready.

You've probably thought of all these ideas but just want you to know how sorry I am, because one of the best bits of family life is having meals together but I'm sure you've done what you can to try & get everyone to eat together. Seems to me the most important thing is to make sure YOU get your meal at the right time, so that your health does not suffer. Good luck.

Mandy - it sounds really awful. The worst thing about is seems to be your partners reaction (sorry.) I think your idea of a 6pm meal is a good one. As your son has eating problems its really up to your partner to be more supportive and try and support you as you attempt to overcome this as a family. The fact that you are diabetic makes it even more important that this be a joint effort. Can't he just agree to eat at 6pm with you (and hopefully your son) unless he tells you otherwise that morning (ie I'm going to be late home tonight etc.) in which case he can reheat it later? Good luck!

MAndy D
your health problems are real, medical and serious. We don't enough here to really understand your son's and partners, but presumably they are not as serious as your own?

My husband is diabetic too, and I have to say he does not always abide by the 30 minute rule and it doesn't seem to have done him any harm. Do you see a dietician about your own diet? If you do, ask if there is any way you could perhaps eat something with your son (I'm not sure from what you say if he would object to this)and then eat something small a bit later with your partner. You must feel awful having to go so long, and even worse knowing that your very real needs are coming in at teh bottom of the pile.

Mandy D It sounds, from what you have said that the problem around food for the family is a symptom of something else.

It sounds like your ds and dh are jealous of your needs and each others, and are displaying attention seeking behaviour!

Perhaps you and your family could get some help from a professional to help you all pull in the same direction. You need to be quite tough and ensure your medical needs come first otherwise other aspects of family life will suffer.

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hi i'm doing a design project on children and their food and came across this site. you girls seem the perfect people to help with my research if you will! I'd like to know your most common problems at mealtimes with your children, if you have any problems that is, assuming they're not angels 100% of the time... any comments will be really helpful. thanks.

Mandy D, want to echo what others have said here. Your problems are real and serious. Your family seem unsupportive with your needs coming bottom of the list. Would some kind of family therapy help? Otherwise I think it might be time to get tough - or at least indifferent. Make a meal or pile of sandwiches for everyone and if they don't eat it - tough. They go without. Just don't make a fuss. They seem to be attention-seeking. If your son throws a tantrum or plays up when he sees you eating just deliberately ignore him - no eye contact, no shouting. Take his food away calmly if he won't eat. Same for your partner. No way should you be making him meals at 11pm. He can reheat something or, better, learn to eat at a civilised time. You've compromised enough, in my opinion. Your son won't starve himself to death, and your partner is old enough to look after himself.

Hi Jaylee - what's the remit of your project? My boys eat well, and are not too fussy, but they are very wriggly. At school ds1 has tiny round seats, which are attached to the table - a bit like something you might find at McDonalds, but TINY chairs. So they can't shuffle them about, can't wriggle around on them (too small), and not very easy to get down off either. Not very attractive, I admit, but I WANT ONE!

Hi Jaylee, wellcome to mumsnet.
My two older kids are 3 and 2 and basically I give them their dinner on a take it or leave it basis. I can't honestly say there are any "problems" around mealtimes except the odd screaming fit when the food is produced, but I don't offer an alternative.

Hi Jaylee.
most common problems for me:
*thinking of something to cook
*cooking it
*getting little blighters to eat it
*trying not to show that I care if/when they don't even try it
*biggest problem of all? washing up- I hate it!

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Everybody having a different dislike

Likes changing to dislikes overnight

Kitchen table never clear of everybody's junk

I think I need some kind of unit in our kitchen where I can just clear the table in one swoop of everybody's bits and pieces - a box for each person perhaps - to take bits of lego, torches,important post, letters from school, homework, pens, pencils, crayons, terrbily important stuff that they will all want but can't possibly put away - preferably nice to look at and taking up very little floor space -wall mounted with pull out boxes? Looks OK? A clear table would make family meals much less traumatic

thank you eveybody for replying! my little brother is only 5 and i find he will only eat his dinner if there something else to keep him otherwise occupied i.e. television/video. that way he doesn't pay as much attention to the food, but i don't like the fact that its not a family meal around the table. Also he likes to just stick his hand in rather than use his fork, does anybody find this with their children?

Hi Jaylee, I have 3 kids, 7, 5 and 1. They are all pretty good eaters even though most of the time, the baby eats with his fingers! I know this sounds a bit Annabel Karmel, but I have included the kids in the shopping, choosing, cooking of food since they were little and this really does seem to encourage them to eat and to try new things. They are not angels and when tired, can be a bit of a pain (deciding last week's favourite is now this week's most despised!) but aren't bad compared to some. Some rules I have are - no eating in front of the telly, no pushing the food around for 10 mins then asking for pudding (they just don't get it), if they genuinely dislike something I have cooked, then they can leave it as long as they have tried it but as an alternative they have something like bread and butter, not chocolate cereal!

I think lots of mums have posted here before about food issues and how children use food as a control/power issue which is really tough. Something I read in a Nigella Lawson book was that if you are going to try something new with fussy eaters is to make it in advance if possible and reheat or defrost as necessary. She says this makes you feel not quite as crap about the hours you spent slaving away in the kitchen when your kids say "don't like this mum, can I have chicken nuggets?"

Ive discovered since having children that chicken is not just chicken and bacon is not simply that either.If chicken is in a stew you don't eat it apparantly.If bacon is crispy from the oven that's ok but if it's in carbonara uh uh it's a no no.It gets picked out.If there's anything that normally gets eaten on it's own,put it together and call it stew you can forget it.

I find that my DS responds best to eating with the family at the table with him firmly restrained in his high chair. Meals in front of the TV, buffets etc do not fare as well. Sometimes he will mess with his food, play to his audience etc but I find that if I go into the utility room and sort the washing (or whatever) 9 times out of 10 he will make a start on his food.

He is very capable of using a fork or spoon but will frequently revert to fingers which I accept as he is only 21 months. He flatly refuses to allow me to feed him and any attempt will result in the food being scattered across the kitchen. he is growing out of throwing his food on the floor now that he can communicate to me that he is finished.

His oddity his that he doesn't seem to grasp the concept of sandwiches. I get much better results giving him a bowl of tuna and a slice of bread than a sandwich.

Jasper we do the take it or leave it thing as well. I will sometimes take pity on him if we are having a hot curry and the poor wee soul just can't get it over his throat, I will generally give in and make him a sandwich.

Sobernow, three times a day, why not just do what we do and wait till the end of the week then scrape it off the floor with a shovel! Seriously though I quite fancy one of those things that go on the plinth of your kitchen and you just sweep all the bits up to it, open it up and it sooks everything away, not sure how it would get on with the half loafs and great lumps of pasta that I find on the floor mind you.

misdilema, we have something similar, anything like pork or beef as it is brown in colour cannot be eaten as it looks like poo!

My DS1 on the whole is a good eater I just wish I could find a way of stopping him dropping Wheatabix!

We only go as far as medium curries and it can be guarenteed to be a success with my DS. Just have to be careful that he doesn't rub his eyes. I love to see him dipping his naan bread in and so obviously enjoying it. I also do the take it or leave it approach.

I think weetabix could be remarketed as heavy duty adhesive. It is a nightmare to get off DS's face, the high chair, table, floor, wall etc.

do you think a new fun range of cutlery for kids would make them want to use it and therefore eat their dinner no probs? or am i very naive?!!!

i think you have to be specific when you are refering to children jaylee, as mine are older 13 + 9 and we have some problems also that fancy plates and cutlery will not solve! however a great tip is this - my youngest son suddenly gets fed up of certain foods - he has eaten them before but maybe we cook the same kind of food too often, however he thinks he is the cook, now im not at mumsy as many will have guessed my culinary skills amount to spag bol at the very most and anything that microwaves most of the time, but get him to open a tin put it in the microwave - work out how long for , then work the knobs on the cooker, set the timer, turn things over, get the plates ready, add a little salad and let him chop the tomatoes and there you have it - he eats what he cooks cos he thinks he is fab! a great chef he might say

We have a problem with defining just what food is. At the moment, the sluglet eats absolutly everything. Her latest is eating the slices of lemon from our gin and tonics. She takes a bite, makes a face then continues eating. Last night she smelt wonderful and garlicky, dh had been feeding her nan bread and garlic butter which she lapped up. We can't decide whether she has a sophisticated palate or just no tastebuds at all.

As for meal times, this is a fluid concept in our house. If the sluglet is not eating constantly she is not happy. She's taken up standing by her highchair waving her bib, but generally food on the floor is the most common way of eating.