Recipe for a dry, underwhelming and turgid date slice please.

[Slubberdegullion]

Seriously.

I want it to hold its form at room temperature and to not really excite me at all.

All I want is a mild sensation of 'nice' and this is 'good for the bowels'.

The one in Good Food this month, following which I still have a hearty bag of chopped dates left over was TOO MUCH, even the dc are giving it a wide berth.

stand well back as the farting starts

Ah Slub.

Fond memories when I see your name.

No idea re your dilemma however. Don't the shops sell this shit?

Try the Rachel Allen one. It is sure to be turgid, I cannot think of a more apt description for the woman.

If you want a hint of restrained joy, a little chopped crystallised ginger will do that for a date slice (don't have recipe, its what they have at the RSPB cafe. Its the sort of cake you can delude yourself you can walk off by sauntering to a hide.)

Yes Grimma that does sound v nice, although for my next slice attempt I want it untainted by fancy flavours. I like dates just as they are sometimes. Poor old dates, always getting fiddled with.

Hello shiney this is not shit, this is wholesome, pleasing, mellow baked shit. I dont want a pre-raphelite exihibition happening in my mouth everytime I eat something. Sometimes I just want to eat a Mark Rothko

Why can't you eat a nice cake? Waitrose sell them.

I can and do eat nice cake. Never shop bought though heaven forfend [judges]. But sometimes don't you think that cake gets all a bit too much? It is so showy. Even a tray bake is just, I dunno, in your face a bit. CAKE CAAAAAAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE. Maybe it's the eggs? Urgh it's so blooming needy of my oral attention. Don't get me started on fucking cupcakes.

No, there is room in between loud cake and the almost completely silent digestive biscuit for something in between. And that is a date slice.

Not sure if is sufficiently underwhelming but it is tasty (though I've only made it with white flour)

Date and Apple Slice

250g of porridge oats
400g of fresh, tinned or stewed apples
80g of chopped dates
250g of pure spread, butter or margarine
125g of self raising flour
125g of wholemeal flour
100g of caster sugar

Preheat the oven to 200 C or gas mark 4.

Grease a baking tray tin with the spread, butter or margarine.

In a large bowl mix the flour, sugar and oats. Rub in the spread, butter or margarine.

Press halve of the mixture into the baking tray tin.

In another bowl mix the dates, apples and the spice. Add this to pressed mixture, allowing a gap of about 1cm at the edges.

On top of this add the remaining oats mixture. Press down firmly and even the mixture.

Bake for about 25 minutes.

Remove from the oven and allow to cool before cutting into slices.

recipesformillie.blogspot.co.uk/2010/07/oaty-date-slices.html

this looks similar to what you're after. use wholemeal flour to up the fibre content.