Would you give a child anything else when they REFUSE to eat tea yet again? HELP, at the end of my tether.

[CrapBag]

My DS used to eat everything. He then hit 20 months and gradually got fussier. At first I didn't mind the odd thing being dropped from his diet and he was still eating about 5 different meals that the HV said were absolutely fine and they had no concerns.

Now he is 4.6 and I am getting to the end of my tether. Unless it is chilli con carne or spaghetti bolognase, he won't eat it. He will eat pasta in sauce and I can mix in some baby corn. He will eat a small amount of chicken curry on occasion, a meal that he always loved. Now I can count on one hand the amount of times he has finished or even eaten any of his tea in the last month!!! He has dinner at about 11.30-12 and I don't let him eat in the afternoons even when he says he is hungry in an attempt to get him to eat his tea. He will then look at his tea and just refuse to eat. I will not do the "come on, just have a bit" I tend to say oh well, you will be hungry and thats it.

Even when me, DH and DD sit eating ice cream (to make him see that we get nice things after when we eat all of our tea) he just doesn't care. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am throwing away food all the time. Sometimes I save it for the next day and present it back to him but pasta isn't something that can really be saved and reheated. Recently he even done it with chilli which is his absolute favourite.

He is one to pick up something very quickly so even of once I let him have some fruit or bread and butter after tea, I know that presented with a tea he has decided he won't eat, he would always take the option of just having some bread and butter and fruit instead. I know these aren't bad things but it would feel like I am giving in and saying that he doesn't have to eat his tea as he knows something else would be on offer. At the moment if he doesn't eat, tough, he gets nothing until breakfast and he is happy to do this. I am not. I was practically starved as a child and just not fed properly so I can't understand why he won't eat and seems to be surviving on breakfast, dinner then nothing until the next morning!! It doesn't seem right!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WWYD?

At 4.6 I would carry on offering, and if he refuses, let him go without. If he was under a year I would say otherwise. The fact that you were not fed properly is very different to him refusing, when he is of an age to understand. I assume he is a healthy weight?

Perhaps putting this in chat or parenting rather than food? You may get more traffic.

What does he have for lunch? can't he have the same things for his evening meal?

My 2 year old ds is pretty fussy too, but he obviously eats enough to be a healthy weight (25th percentile) and I give him a multivitamin.

In my house, I provide the food and it's up to you if you eat it. There is one choice. Fruit or plain yoghurt is available for pudding.

Sometimes he survives entirely on toast, bananas, yoghurt and vitamin pills for days at a time But at least meal times are pretty stress free.

My sister was the fussiest child ever by the way, ate almost nothing and every meal time was a battle and horrendous for everyone. She grew out of the fussiness in her late teens. I don't think any of the bribing, threatening, hours spent at the table etc helped anyone.

I was going to say could you give him a choice?

Ask him what he fancies to eat. As he will eat bread, butter and fruit I would put that as a choice too.

I have put it in parenting as well as I wasn't entirely sure where the best place would be.

If I ask him, I will get "spaghetti bolognase" or "chilli". For dinner he eats either cheese or jam sandwiches, ham at a party, or ham on the plate at home, He likes cracker bread and cream crackers, preferrably dry and he likes some french stick as well. Cheese, fromage frais, strawberries, grapes, apple, banana, jam tart, croissant, cheese on toast, toast with butter or jam, certain cearal bars, sweet chilli snack a jacks, some crisps (these are a rare treat though) and he loves macdonalds cheese burgers and fries but won't eat any other chips and won't touch potatoes.

I also worry that DD is going to start copying. She is a brilliant eater at the moment (18 months) but if she sees him getting a choice, I can see her copying him. She copies everything DS does! The last few days she has started fussing with her food, throwing it on the floor, messing around. We have taken it away and offered it back but if she has continued, we just take it away altogether and get her out of her chair.

At his age I would present the food for twenty minutes, and remove it without comment if not eaten. It would be made clear that no more food will be served until the next meal time, even if that is tomorrow.

Personally I have been on a budget for all of my children's lives, and they don't get choices because of that. Nothing makes me crosser than several pieces of fruit, all with one bite taken.

Re your first post, thats exactly what I do. I guess I will just keep doing, just gets so frustrating though.

He will eat fruit. He would live on strawberries and grapes but he has them at lunch. He is happy to eat apples and bananas but I know that he would take that over tea anyday which is why I currently don't give him the option.

It sounds to me like you're doing brilliantly. I always remember a tv programme where there was a 6(ish) yo who survived on bread and butter EVERY mealtime because his parents let him to avoid fights at mealtimes.

I am fortunate not to have had to deal with this over any prolonged period (the odd meal - if DS doesn't eat it, tough). Is it not true that if he's hungry enough, he would eat? I would keep offering - maybe just give him smaller portions so you aren't throwing so much away?

It sounds like you're having a really hard time.

Thanks.

I guess its an issue because I am so fed up with it. It is frustrating and I really don't want DD going down the same route. It would drive me up the wall. I suppose if he was that hungry he would eat it but he will often ask all afternoon for something to eat and I say no else he won't eat his tea, then I present something that I know he likes, but possibly not his favourite, and he just doesn't eat it. I guess he can't be that hungry else he would eat it. Last week he ate his tea, had ice cream and still said he was hungry so had a banana for 3 days in a row. I thought we had made a real break through but he has reverted to form now.

I second what colditz said. If he is hungry he will eat.

A lot of people comment on how good DD is with food. Only last night FIL couldnt believe she ate two plates of chilli with kidney beans in. But I havent made her that way. Its just her. The only thong I have to watch with her is her sugar/sweet stuff intake.

I think the least fuss you make about his habits the better. The meal is on the table. If he doesnt want it just take it away and say nothing. Obviously he shouldnt then get pudding or fruit etc.

IME all children go through fussy phases. But the ones that get a reaction keep it going for longer and it spreads over more and more foods.

Also remember that he might have genuine dislikes. The only thing my brother wouldnt eat as a child was garden peas, but my mum wouldnt let him up from the table without finishing them. I think she could have let that one thing go.

You sound like you are doing the right things though. :)

Oh and the eating everything in sight one week and then eating nothing the next is also pretty normal! DD does exactly the same!

It does make me laugh, out of all the things he LOVES kidney beans and will take all of DH's, chilli is his absolute favourite so its not like he is into only bland food.

If its something that I know he doesn't like I definitely don't push it. I hated being made to eat things I didn't like and I accept that not everyone does like everything.

Your DD sounds like mine although mine is only 18 months and DS was like it at that age. Just hoping she doesn't follow.

I just have to go through all of this with DH as he does tend to comment and 'encourage' when I just don't react.

I would offer tiny portions like a table spoon portion of what every one else is eating and say if he tries it, he will get a sticker on a chart and if he gets a certain number of stickers a week he will get a toy or a trip somewhere or a meal out where he likes; but if he doesn't get enough stickers you will try again next week and he can have another ago. And when he tries something praise a little bit. Say something like 'well done you've had a try' and leave the praise at that.

But I would not make alternative meals, been through a food stage with all mine at some point and it is upsetting and frustrating but hopefully it will pass soon. :)

I agree with other posers. If he doesn't eat it, take it away. If he is hungry later, I would then offer it to him again. Provided it is something you know he likes (or used to like before he realised that saying he didn't like it meant he got something he preferred :))

try feeding him in a different room.

I mean just for that last meal

I think you're doing really well to stay so patient. This too will pass. Eventually

try houmous and breadsticks he may enjoy dipping ing the breadsticks and the houmous really good for you so ive heard

the thing a about the different room is really valid, because some cancer patience develop food aversions after chemo because it makes them feel sick but giving food in a different room helps. if maybe one day your ds has not felt very well (you may not have noticed if he just had sore tummy, felt a wee bit sick but wasn't actually sick etc) then he may have developed aversions to some foods he previously liked. If its nice enough maybe try al fresco or just let him have a plate to pick at when he doesn't have to sit at the table. he wont starve. just put a tiny amount of different things on side plates and see what he takes. His preferences may have changed as he has grown, when dd was 2 i couldnt give her enough peas. put them on her plate now and she would practically throw up. its just a phase and try not to worry too much, eventually he will settle.

My Dd ate anything and everything I gave her up until she turned 2 and then she became very fussy; complete shock to me as Ds has never been fussy at all. What I have done over the past 3 years is to get her to just try the things she says she dislikes every so often and it has worked. We then have a bit of a celebration about Dd joining the 'parsnip club/mushroom club/pepper club' etc etc.

You aren't alone OP; I have friends with children that are 5 and 10 years (different families) and one will only eat plain pasta and sausage, the other chicken nuggets and waffles. Each is the only fussy member of the family.

I think hot meals at lunchtime are much better for children. As a teacher I have often noticed that children in schools with no hot lunch are smaller than those where all children are given a hot meal. DD is often much calmer & more willing to try new foods at lunchtime. She will then fill up on toast etc before bed. When she has been through particularly fussy stages, I am cruel & only offer hot food at all meals for a few days!