5.8 year old and refusal to eat things he does like

[nappyaddict]

I've always tried to be relaxed about mealtimes and try not to create issues around food. I've always believed that everyone is born with self regulation in this area - we all know instinctively how much caloric intake we need over time. Sometimes we are hungrier than others, sometimes we are hungry a few times a day and other days we need to graze more often. When parents try to take control of this self regulatory feature the message you are giving them is that although your body knows this, you can't be trusted to make these most basic decisions about your own body so I need to do it for you. This message is then carried over into other areas and the child may not feel secure or confident to listen to what their instincts are telling them and may often be looking to you for help or cornfirmation of what they should do.

DS is actually a good eater in that there is not much he doesn't actually like apart from spicy food.

If there is a new food on his plate that he hasn't tried before I don't mind too much if he doesn't want to try it. I read somewhere that it can take up to 50 times of seeing a food item on their plate before they will feel comfortable enough to try it.

However there is often food he claims he doesn't like when put in front of him that I know he does like and he has often asked for it or put it on his plate himself.

Does anyone else have this problem and how do you deal with it? I know the golden rules of not begging, bribing, coaxing, shouting etc. I know that you should avoid turning mealtimes into a battle and avoid power struggles where no one wants to back down and give in first.

Do you encourage them to eat it, make it more fun by listening to music, singing songs and playing games, tell them they do like it, offer something different or do you just let them get on with it and go hungry?

Is saying "just eat 1 more pea, then you can get down and do X, Y, or Z" a bribe?

Is saying "'eat your dinner and if you are still hungry you can have dessert, but if you aren't hungry anymore you don't have to finish dinner. If you are hungry later you can have dessert then" any different to saying "eat your dinner and you can have dessert?"

I've never used dessert as a reward or witholding it as a punishment - he has always been allowed one if he wants one. We usually wait about 40 minutes before having a dessert, sometimes he is hungry again and wants one, other times he says he isn't hungry and doesn't have one. Desserts in our house are generally healthy anyway. Things like fruit salad, homemade jelly, homemade trifle, frozen yoghurt/fruit smoothie, homemade ice lollies, rice pudding etc. I read that waiting 40 minutes allows your body to absorb some of the protein, carbohydrates and healthy fats before the fat-storing sugar-rush of your dessert. The larger your meal, the less will be absorbed and the more will be stored as fat if you have a sweet immediately afterwards. I don't believe in a hierachy of food - all foods are equal and all foods contribute to a balanced diet including a small amount of dessert (healthy or not) every now and then.

I read that it is wrong to eat until you feel full, you should stop eating once you don't feel hungry anymore. Also a meal should last at least 20 minutes because it takes 20 minutes from the start of the meal for your brain to realise it is satisfied.

are you me?

DS2 is 5.9 and I feel as though the foods he will eat are a gradually dwindling group.

I think you are absolutely completely right about not forcing him to finish what's on his plate. Also, I don't withhold pudding as a 'punishment' for not eating / a bribe to eat. If he makes some effort to try the food on his plate, then he is offered pudding the same as everyone else. If he flatly refuses to eat or makes a great big noisy fuss, then I don't offer it.

I don't offer alternatives, and I've scaled down his portions to the point that they are very small indeed.

The only thing I find useful is to look at what he does eat in a day, as opposed to focusing just on his dinner plate. I know that DS2 will come home and moan and bellyache about his dinner (baked fish, new potatoes, broccoli) and perhaps eat the fish and one potato. However, already today he has had 4 portions of fruit & veg, some cereal and milk, a small chicken breast (leftover cornflake chicken from last night, in his lunchbox) and a wholemeal roll with chocolate spread on it. If he eats a bit of fish and a new potato and then has a little dish of yogurt, that's probably not a bad day's food.

I think you're doing the right thing in keeping it all low key and not forcing any issues. In case it helps, my DS was fussy from 4-6/7 years but now aged 9 eats like the proverbial horse. He had 4 weetabix, an apple and a large mug of warm milk for supper tonight, after eating up all meals and snacks today and is generally "absolutely starving". Keep them physically active too, then they have to eat. And I agree with your approach to puddings OP, otherwise sweet things become highly prized, which isn't a sensible message to give out. And your puds sound healthy to me anyway!

I'm glad other people have been through this. All the websites tell you this is common during the toddler/preschool years, but no one tells you the fussiness can start later on.

The thing that frustrates me with DS is that one day he will eat something and then the next day he will refuse it. There's no pattern!

DCs are all different though aren't they? Some will walk at 9 mths others not till 18mths. It's the same with eating IMO & E it takes longer for their personalities to form.

Our DS was a 'perfect' eater till he was roughly 10!! Then he didn't want whatever I had cooked for supper. I would say "okay just have some bread and butter then " casually and he'd go on to finish the casserole or whatever after we'd eaten ;he still does it!! He's 24 now and living with his GF. It's just his odd personality that's all!!

Ds1 is the same age.
I do ask him to eat more of what's on his plate as I know this always works when Dh does it.

As long as he's eaten a reasonable amount of healthy food he can have whatever fruit he likes or whatever is on offer for dessert.

I heard that we need to try something, actually eat it around 40 times to get to like it. I'll encourage him to try but if he really doesn't want to, no pressure.
Like yours, he'll choose something and then ignore it. As long as it's something I can eat, I usually don't mind.

He goes through odd phases too. A few months ago it was anchovies, sprats or sardines. Then it was lentils and mild curries. Now, it's jam! Odd thing.