Lightly salt the diminishing stages) Boned swan, stuffed with a boned goose, stuffed with a boned capon, stuffed with a boned muscovy, stuffed with a boned mallard, stuffed with a boned pheasant, stuffed with a boned partridge, stuffed with a boned woodcock, stuffed with a boned dove, stuffed with a boned snipe, stuffed with a boned sparrow, stuffed with a dozen larks' tongues. (Chopped truffle will do instead of larks' tongues if you are a fairly law-abiding conservationist. The swan is not negotiable.)
Carefully stitch up the swan and place in a deep pan with a little burnt red wine and olive oil. Surround with parsnips, salsify, carrots, quartered onions, quartered shallotts, oyster mushrooms, and cover - well, you can use foil these days - and place in a low oven.
Prepare Brussels sprouts, peas, leeks, celery hearts, chicory, ladies' fingers, runner beans (sliced diagonally and fairly thinly) and potatoes, all ready for cooking nearer the time of serving. The meat will take a long time.
When the meat is done (pierce through with your sword and gauge the colour of the juices) remove it from the pan and place it on an ashet. Do not cover: put back in oven to crisp. Pour liquor into a basin and scoop off some oil and make a roux using plain flour. On no account should you use cornflour. Carefully remove the remainder of the oil and save for other dishes or for proofing your buskins.
Gently steam the vegetables with a small amount of water, making sure it is topped-up, for it must not catch. As the vegetables are cooked, remove them from the steamer. Wrap the celery hearts about with thinly-sliced ham before covering them in white sauce in the chafing-dish.
Place an enamel pan on a good heat, and cook well the roux, kneading it with a wooden spoon, then a bit at a time (tasting, to be sure of the flavour) add the vegetable water and the juices from the meat. This should make up to a robust gravy or sauce. If it requires more liquid, use burnt red wine.
While the swan is browning, serve turbot in a white wine sauce, with a small portion of peas and one of sliced leeks.
While you are enjoying the fish, the servants are preparing the (warmed) plates for the main course. If any of the fowl is domestic, it is inadvisable to tell your guests which layer represents Daffy or the Little Red Ken - Hen, I mean.
I leave it up to the host to choose the wines to accompany the meal, but a good Shiraz will not come amiss.
There should be a choice of puddings and fruit to follow. I always provide a good nourishing plum duff, as well as spotted dick, sherry trifle, fresh fruit salad, or a choice of indiginous or tropical fruit when in season. Custard, golden syrup, vanilla sugar and brandied apricots should be provided too, as plum duff and spotted dick can be a little dry if eaten as a stand-alone pud.
Should you have time, it is a good idea to offer peach melba or banana splits as a sop to modernity. You don't want your guests to think you are old-fashioned.
The cheeseboard should circulate after pudding and a reasonable selection of English cheeses may be offered. I would suggest the following: all farmhouse made, so far as possible - Cheddar, Cheshire, Lancashire, Wensleydale, Stilton, double Gloucester, Starston, and I understand that a very passable Brie is made in the west country. If you find anywhere stocking Limeswold, don't touch it: it is either very mature (known in the grocery trade as 'counterfeet') or it is counterfeit.
Don't forget to put out the biscuits.
Guests should be discouraged from chasing the riper cheeses if they escape, especially if they have had the duff or the dick.
A glass of good port or spirit will round off your meal. Remind your guests that afternoon tea will be served in approximately an hour.