What battles are worth fighting?

[bloss]

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Hi Bloss!
Of course every child is different ... and so is every parent ... so it is hard to say what to do. BUT FWIW I think that if your son is 3.5 and he is not necessarily a picky eater as he eats most things at nursery, then I think he is pulling a fast one on you ... sorry but that is the way it looks to me.
You could do one of two things ... either go with the flow and let him have his 4 days of healthy balanced meals at nursery and let him eat peanut butter sandwiches for the other days as it is obviously not affecting his health in any way.... OR ... you could get strict.
I have said in the past that just because they are children it doesn't mean that they have to like everything that you put in front of them BUT if your DS eats well with other people then he is obviously not that bothered about the taste (unless you are a terrible cook )
I would give him one option ... tell him that he must try it/eat half of it/give it a go and then he can have his peanut butter as a dessert ... If he refuses to eat it then he gets nothing ... I know it sounds harsh but I don't believe a child will starve himself ... and one or two nights of not eating his dinner will not harm him and perhaps make him think ... I am afraid that my DS has recently gone to bed hungry and it was only one night and he has been a lot better ever since.
Choose things that he has loved in the past (so don't try him with liver or anything ... and make sure he has not had too many snacks to soon before dinner (a huge disaster in our house) ...
I think that if you decide to tackle this and ride it out then things will improve ...
HTH

I think if it is bothering you then it certainly isn't cruel to offer him lasagne fruit and milk (!) and see if he eats it. You will have to ignore him screaming for peanut butter but I don't think that will harm him either. Maybe it would help to sit down with him the day before you start the new regime (if that is what you want) and just tell him that from now on you will be giving him something different from tea and maybe get him to suggest things that are his own idea? Of course, he could just scream 'peanut butter' at you, but it might be worth a try If it is just a control thing then involving him might help give him that feeling of control. I'd also advise making the food you give very simple - so it's not quite so infuriating if he doesn't eat it! Eg different sandwiches, healthy pizzas you just heat up, You could tell him it's to make him healthy and help him get big and good at sport (or whatever floats his boat) and ask him to - oh, I dunno - draw the food he'd like or something. I think it's really normal to get pickier and pickier at home. And I agree with you that cajoling and fussing can be disastrous, but saying, here's some food, eat it if you want is perfectly reasonable.

I'm in a very similar situation. My dd is 20 months old, and eats well at nursery (they tell me). At home she is horribly picky; she will eat ham, sausages, peas, sweetcorn and bread. Of course she will eat sweet puddings, cake, biscuits and fruit, but any attempt to introduce another savoury is met with screams, as if I'm trying to poison her. Last night she was offered a small M+S pizza, that she's eaten before, and she wouldn't even look at it. She eventually was given a slice of bread, which she wolfed down, with a drink of milk, and went to bed without any pudding. Of course she was hungry this morning, and screamed the whole 2 minutes that her porridge was in the microwave

I feel like the mother from hell, sending my poor child to bed hungry, but I don't know what else to do! As she is a scrawny little thing at the best of times, my instinct (the nourishing one, I suppose) is to give in and hand over custard and cake, but surely that will make things worse?

I've also fought the war over food, Bloss (still haven't got total victory, though! ) and I'd agree with giving just with the one option plus fruit. It's too time consuming and frustrating to do anything else. I know you mention you eat later but perhaps you could join him, with a cup of tea and a teeny bit of whatever he is having, because I think children get quite dispirited eating on their own. Chatting and talking about the day can also divert some of their attention from the power struggle and he may end up eating without really noticing what he is doing. I personally wouldn't leave the food around for as long as an hour because that makes it more of an issue, I think. But then I have clear memories of sitting gloomily at a table all by myself as a child, staring at a plate of whatever. If I was lucky, my big bro would come in and scoop off the offending cabbage/fat/prunes allowing me my freedom again!! Anyway, that's by-the-by, good luck, I hope you can resolve this soon.

I have a very fussy eater (4) Who won't eat anythng anywhere. He will eat gluten free bread, plain crisps, apples, cakes, biscuits, jam, honey, cheese spread under jam, buckwheat pancakes (with cheese hidden in them) dried fruit, chips, scarmabled egg, yoghurt- um and that's about it. What I do now is give him a snacky luck I know he will eat, and then at tea time unless its a pancake day (tuesdays mainly) he gets given a proper tea. if he doesn't eat it I give him a supper of bread and honey and a rusk after his bath. His bread has a lot of different seeds hidden in it, and I've got pretty good at hiding extra nutrients in his food. I also add an iron supplemet to his juice (usually he has one freshly squeezed orange a day- he won't eat oranges but he will drink the juice).

Offering him a main meal each day was how I got him eating scrambled egg and chips so it can work but very slowly.

If he's eating elsewhere I don't think you need to worry about nutrients etc, it's just whether or not you want to break the power struggle (but don't back down if you go down that path).

DS1 is very bad a trying new foods, one thing that seems to have helped recently is to get him to try a tiny tiny tiny crumb of something on a daily basis (often I give him something I know he'll like- eg honey)- he's very slowly getting better at trying new things.

OIf course the other problem I have is that ds2 is now copying ds1.

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My dd is 2.6 and has had a limited variety of foods for about a year, through her own choice. She rarely eats anything that her nursery provides, but does so occasionally, then will not eat that same food at home. I agree with a lot of people that she will not starve, and that if presented with a healthy choice of foods, she will choose a reasonably good diet over a period. Have to say, she has gone to bed with little or no supper, and it doesn't seem to have hurt her. Also I have found that involving her in the cooking or preparation of her food has helped enourmously, even if it just letting her cut up her food by herself. Hang in there, and remember these things are often just phases, or so my mother tells me.!!!

Every since I allowed my ds to spread butter on his bread using a REAL knife (wow, big toddler excitement) bread and butter has been his favourite food, so I think the 'helping' thing does work, but it's more time consuming than you can believe!

bloss, I to am a "don't create battles over food" person but in the way that the food gets put out, not eaten and cleared away. Now that dd is 3.5 I have started to introduce a minimum she must eat if she wants something else but up till now I have just removed the food and put down a yogurt if she wants one. It seems to have worked and ds (just 2) is the same, either eats or doesn't but is basically healthy.

Eating between meals is allowed but I usually suggest it, so if they have eaten well they might get an ice lolly, if not then bread and butter. They don't know what makes the difference but I do! So perhaps you could regulate meal times - and give him a peanut butter sandwich mid morning if you think he needs something to keep him going until the next time he doesn't eat!

bloss, I think sobernow is very right to say look at the food intake on a weekly basis, not on a daily basis. My ds (just turned 4) can be picky one day and ok the next and your ds sounds like he has a healthy weekly diet.

I do agree with others who say you are right to limit the choice of alternatives. One of the best ways I can get my 4 year old to eat is to

1. Not give him snacks so he is really hungry
2. Give him one main option
3. Tell him he gets bread and butter if he refuses

I don't always stick to my 'perfect' method, though.

My ds has a craving for milk and especially chocolate milk. If there is milk shake mix in the house he would aim to live off the stuff, so I had to stop buying it. I showed him the last empty milk shake container and together we threw it in the rubbish bin. He knows it's gone. After a few days he'd forgotten about his craving (not entirely but mostly) but I know if I relent and get more we'll be back at square one. So perhaps when the current peanut butter jar is empty you could show him and throw it away together?

I am a softy, though, and don't like being 'cruel mummy' much, even though I know it's often for the best. I can get my fussy eater to eat healthy foods by spoon feeding him. He said 'no' to homemade beef stew this evening, so I waited 30 minutes till we'd watched The Simpsons together on TV, then when we were both relaxed, I sat him on my knee and spoon fed him the stew while he watched something else. He ate a big bowlful. This doesn't work all the time, nothing does, but it makes a nice change from confrontation.

Haven't read whole thread, so this may have been mentioned, but with ref to tigermoth's post and snacks and milkshakes, it is v easy for a small child to fill up on drinks and not just milky ones - anything other than water does it. So if they want a drink between meals, just let them have water, they can have juice or whatever with their food. (Easy to say, I know!)