Non-dairy child plus two other jealous children... help.

[greencolorpack]

I was having this long discussion with my sister the other day about the problems I face when out and about with my children. I have Ds (10) and Dn (nephew aged 10) and dd (aged 9). Nephew lives with us. We are involved in a community music group. Now sometimes we go out in the evening to play. And once I didn't have tea first. I hoped the event would be short but it was long.

Dd (who is non-dairy) was tired and grumpy. The people in the church hall where we were doing our music, during the break served tea and coffee. Just your usual fare, nothing fancy, no decaffeinated anything, nothing dolphin-friendly, just your normal tea, with milk, and biscuits like Rich Tea dripping with dairy and things dd couldn't eat. Dd, tired and grumpy. Old ladies passing round biscuits. They saw grumpy faced dd and said "Have a choccy biccy!" leading to me saying "Sorry she can't." Leading to dd feeling sorry for herself. Leading to everyone looking to me thinking, why didn't she have non-dairy snacks with her? Leading to dd having upset expression. Leading to next old lady coming up and saying "Aw, don't look sad, here's a nice choccy biccy for you!" leading round in endless circles of dd looking more and more hard done by.

This is a lot more complicated than you think.

My sister kept saying "Why didn't you bring some snacks in your bag?" Well for one thing I didn't know there was going to be a break with tea and biscuits. Normally I wouldn't encourage snacks cos we were going to have tea. If I have delicious nutricious snacks in my bag that are specifically for dd, I then have the two boys saying to me "If she's getting that, what am I having?" And there's never anything where they all agree it's the same value snack, either her dairy free option is too nice or the boy's dairy option is too nice. I don't even buy ice cream/soya ice cream because of the stress and hassle involved. Ds and Dn spend their lives acting hard done by if I'm not scrupulously fair about everything at all times, and my default position is "I'm not spoiling you, you don't even need a snack!" And not buying them in the first place.

And my sister is assuming I can read the future and know exactly what the food options are going to be. Sometimes if there's crisps on offer I can get them. Dd is fine with them. We might have gone out and found there was no food on offer which would mean I had a bag full of food for nothing. Even carrying food around is problematic cos we're all in uniform and my uniform trouser pockets are usually just for car keys. There's no room for money or sweeties or snacks for the offchance where there's nothing dairy free for dd.

So what should I do? What is the right answer? Should I become one of those people who phones ahead and demands to know exactly what is going to happen at this thing? What biscuits does the church have to offer us? Given that my group play in charity functions I feel like I'll be causing other people needless stress and hassle. Usually they are giving tea and biscuits out of the kindness of their hearts.

Also I'm rubbish at being organised and thinking ahead. Left to my own devices I say to dd, "There's no biscuits, life's unfair, get on with it." But when you have loads of well meaning strangers and the rest of the group looking on with sad faces because poor dd isn't eating choccy biccies, it just compounds my dd's feelings of being hard done by.

What do other parents do? Any thoughts?

Could you just carry a small box of something suitable in your bag just in case?

I think I would carry a snack for DD and point out to the other two that as they can eat whatever is on offer, anywhere, they should start to think of themselves as lucky and get over it. Can you not say Easier said than done I know. Can you not say "You get the biscuits, life's unfair, get on with it." to them, rather than DD?

DS has dairy intolerance and, while I'm hoping it clears up, I wonder how we'll manage it in the future.

At Easter we visited DBIL and his family. They had ice cream for pudd and DSIL got some strawberries for DS. DNephew and DNiece kicked off (they're only 2 and 4) and got told tough, you guys can eat the ice cream (by SIL, not me). They shut up and put up. So I guess we'll try to follow SILs example on that one.

I think you need to stop trying to make everything fair. Life isn't fair.

I always have non-dairy snacks on me, even if it's just a pack of polos at the bottom of my handbag. Sometimes it's better than what's on offer for the dairy children, and sometimes it's worse. That's life. We share everything that can be shared and it all evens out in the end.

I'm doing my best. Dairy-free ds is doing his best. If anyone, including my own children, started to make extra hassle by declaring that the snacks weren't fair I would give them very short shrift.

I keep a few 'emergency supplies' in the glove compartment.

Thanks all. I really resent the children saying they think it's unfair, and this is why I don't want to give them snacks. I think gratitude should come as a prerequisite to snacks they get between meals, the moment they start the "what can I have if she's having that?" line it gets my back up and then they get nothing. I did actually discuss this with dn yesterday that he's got to stop doing the "I'm so hard done by" tone of voice when dd or ds eat something.

He's got issues of his own... was an only child for nine years raised by doting grandmother, he wanted for nothing. Came to live with us. Since he arrived he has been anxious about food, and has a very large sense of entitlement and watches us all like hawks to see if he's being treated fairly or unfavourably. To some extent I've indulged this, and we make efforts to make him one of the three children, but the way he acts about food can get on my nerves too. For a while there, we would sit down and eat, and if someone picks up the sauce bottle he instantly says "Can I have some sauce?" so forcefully it startles the other two sometimes. Or if I open a big pack of 5 Mars bars (say) he will instantly say "Can I have one?" with the tone that says "It would be unfair if I don't get one!" - I've told him to stop doing this, I'm opening the packet and I'm not about to eat all five!!

I will try and think of something that dd can have and keep it in the glove box. Sometimes parking is far away from the venue. The boys are usually okay with having tea and biccies or whatever is on offer.

FlingontheValiant,

Don't you just hate Easter?? Everyone keeps giving out chocolate eggs to children! Christmas isn't much better for that reason. We're Christians and I wish the main religious festivals weren't all about dd feeling sad she can't have chocolate. And it's a nightmare cos she will eat it anyway and poison her system if we leave it lying around.

Here's an illustration to show why this issue is so vexed for my family: at Christmas, all three children were given a chocolate coin by grandmother (the one who raised dn til he was 9). We were at my mum's house for Christmas and I ate one of the chocolate coins. At Christmas there's so much choccy lying around, if I don't eat it then it doesn't get eaten and/or dd eats it and has a bad reaction physically, and feels guilty and bad, chocolate is something fraught with stress for dd. So, I ate it. Later on we intercepted a letter that dn wrote to his grandmother, saying "I hate it here at other granny's house, also aunty ate my chocolate coin." And various other long winded hard-done-by messages. We talked to him about this letter at length and explained it would cause aggro between our family and grandmother and since then I've encouraged him to write a diary and write there about his terrible family who evilly eat his chocolate.

So this is the background to dn feeling hard-done-by and acting like the world owes him chocolate coins or he complains to mother in law about what a terrible time he's having with us.

I went on to buy several replacement chocolate coins for dn and I now don't go near chocolate left lying around - but there's still Christmas and Easter and you can't always pre warn people not to give you chocolate.

greencolorpack - we took toys to DNs for Easter instead of chocolate, they were much happier with those. We're Christians too, so we're going to try to prevent the association between religious festivals and chocolate, as DS is the first grandchild on my parents side I'm hoping we can get them into the habit early. When not pregnant or breastfeeding I do a vegan fast for Advent and Lent, so for me getting to eat meat, dairy (normally), shellfish and drink alcohol are the big reward, not chocolate. Although children don't fast I'm hoping to persuade DS that other foods are just as much of a reward.

So sorry to hear you're having so much trouble with DN. Is your MIL stamping down on the tale-telling?