How do you manage a 5 year old very fussy/minimum eater - wars with hubby!

[DavidsMum]

Hi, My five year old is and always has been a very fussy eater... He will NOT eat meat (red or white), fish, vegetables (except a once a fortnight acceptance to eat a bowl of pureed home-made veg soup with pulses in), fresh fruit (except that found in yogurts).

He WILL eat; plain bread in almost any shape or form (I make my own), almost any breakfast cereal (but particularly Nutri-Grain, Wheatabix, Sultana Bran, Muesli, muesli bars), peanut butter or hazelnut/choc paste sandwiches, yogurt (almost any dairy product in fact - particularly cheddar-type cheese), french fries (allowed once a week or so), dried fruit such as sultanas and apricots, and very occasionally scrambled egg.

He drinks rarely but well; water, light milk (allowed 1 cup a day or less), watered fruit juice - "Liquid Breakfast" drinks when he's being really difficult, and the occasional milk shake or S26 drink.

Apart from the limited variety, he will usually only eat a very small amount: 1/2 cup cereals, 1 slice of bread at most - usually only a few bites. He probably drinks less than 3 cups of liquid in a day total..

My main problem is a conflict with my husband on how this should be managed - he is of the "he must be 'encouraged' to eat (you will sit there till you eat it! - one more bite, no playing till you've finished, etc,) school". I lean more towards "that's what there is to eat, you've eaten it before and liked it, it will be there for 15 minutes and then you can wait till the next meal" (breakfast - morning tea - lunch - afternoon tea - dinner - and recently supper.)

Do we have an issue? He's been to nutritionists, pedeatricians, the GP, etc... they all say that apart from being 'slim build' (6 weeks prem, 5 years old, 110cm high, weighs 15Kg) he's healthy...
Every meal is a family battle... any suggestions or advice would be much appreciated.

Sincere apologise for the long winded message.

Oh dear, been there for 10 years with my ds1. I have tried every way known to man to get him to eat different foods, and I must say that your sons diet is very healthy compared to mine. I think that as long as he is healthy I would try and do your best to make mealtimes happy occasions rather than battle grounds. I vary from begging and pleading, to bribery to the as long as he is eating something I don't care what it is approach. Ds1 has been back at school for two weeks and only twice has he eaten his packed lunch. Does he take vitamin supplements?

Hi davidsmum, I don't have any miracle tips for you, just wondering whether you all eat together? It can be sad and not very motivating for kids if they have to eat on their own. I know it's easier said than done but seating down all together, not worrying about how much he's going to eat, sharing the same meal together and talking about something pleasant and unrelated to food (maybe plans for the week-end, holiday memories, etc) during the meal might help a bit? I wouldn't force a child to finish their dinner under any circumstances though.
How about inviting little friends over sometimes for saturday lunch and seeing how it goes with extra company there?
Or getting him to help in the kitchen, letting him make a mess, but also getting used to the ingredients you use?

As long as he's healthy, I would say go with your plan. My parents use to be exactly the same to me and I was always a very picky eater and only at a tiny bit at each meal time. But I knew that I had to eat what I wanted at the meal time else it would get thrown away and I wouldn't get anything until the next meal. Then I could eat what I needed without being forced or eat less if I really didn't feel like it.

If your ds starts getting health problems then you'd have to re-evaluate the situation but at the moment I think you should just go with your instinct and try to persuade DH to do it your way.

I think warring over this is the worst thing you could do. Personally, I think your son's diet sounds pretty healthy. If he's underweight you could give him full-fat milk or milkshakse or smoothies and chips more often, otherwise his diet seems limited but OK - protein, vitamins etc all there. I was a a very picky eater as a child, and still am I suppose, except now I choose my own food. I wouldn't eat anything remotely fatty, including most meat. I wouldn't eat pasta or eggs (still won't) anything buttered, any vegetables except mushrooms and potatoes etc and was very slim. Now, I love vegetables (which is good) and love butter (not so good!). I personally think it is cruel to force anyone to eat anything they don't like or want. I was bullied by school dinner ladies to eat their disgusting muck and it made me gag. If you make food a battleground it leads to endless problems IMO. I often wonder why is it so important that children eat more? I grew up to be very healthy and tall on small amounts of food, so what is the real problem here? You sound as if you are handling it beautifully, and I think your dh has to be told/encouraged to work with you. Your son is healthy - what more does he want? Is it a control issue with him? It seems such a shame to me when a potential source of pleasure (a meal) is turned into a fight. It's so unnecessary. Anyway, there is a lot of evidence that putting pressure on children like this is counterproductive - yes, you do need to keep offering a good variety of food including fruit and vegetables, introduce new foods regularly on a no-pressure basis and eat them yourself to show a good example, but that's not the same as bullying. I feel very strongly about this because I was such a picky eater myself and my childhood would have been utterly miserable if I had been forced to eat the foods I hated. We have been incredibly relaxed about food with both my stepdaughter and my ds and they both eat very well, but even if they didn't, I wouldn't make a fuss because I have such vivid memories of what it is like to only like a few kinds of food and being repulsed by others. For me at that age, eating, say, fatty meat or a boiled egg would be as disgusting as it would be for anyone else to eat a raw snail - literally! And nobody would advocate making children eat raw snails, would they??

Sorry about such a long post. Agree though with getting him involved in cooking eg making pizzas together (bread and cheese basically!). Often children really enjoy eating things they've made.

I agree wholeheartedly with Aloha. If he is healthy then that is all that matters, and the last thing you want to do is make food an issue. I speak from bitter experience as my 7 year old dd1 is the fussy eater from hell! She always has been, she survives on pasta or rice, ham, bacon, sausage, bread and cereal. Which is not a lot really. She will only eat a few fruits, but plenty of them, and about once a year I managed to get her to eat raw carrot. But she is healthy, and at the end of the day, I can't force her to eat stuff she doesn't want to eat. Try not to stress over it, and keep doing it your way. Easier said than done I know! I would give my left arm for dd1 to eat a baked potato - its my lifetime ambition, but it ain't going to happen so I concentrate on the stuff she does like and praise her when she clears her plate etc etc. HTH.

Just a thought - my five year old was exactly like this till he started school and now he loves his packed lunch so much that he always has sandwiches, fruit and a few crisps for lunch at weekends and because he only eats wholemeal bread and healthy fillings it has changed his overall mood/eating pattern - he no longer drives me mad for snacks and will happily eat fruit salad/carrot batons in his lunchbox too, as long as there's a little something like a biscuit there as well. Now he realises how long the morning is till lunch he'll eat a big breakfast but then after school he's hardly hungry at all, so he now has quite a light tea as his packed lunch fills him up - he basically doesn't like having to sit through long meals with hot food - now we've worked that ou he eats more healthily and more entusiastically and is finally putting on a little weight (he's 2stone 9oz and 100cm tall!)

DavidsMum,

He doesn't sound particularly undernourished to me - my 5 yo ds is about 110cm and weighs about 16kg. Ours doesn't eat egg or drink milk but otherwise has a fairly varied diet. However it wasn't always that way. What made a big difference was eating as a family and sharing the same meal.

I don't think forcing him to eat will work either way. You do need to agree the strategy between you though, without ds being around. It is important to show a united front even if this is to expect him ,for example, to eat 5 spoonfuls at least .

Offer him a balanced meal and eat with him as much as possible. Keep his portion small and praise a clean, or almost clean plate. Perhaps a reward chart would help so he has to "earn" his chips ? Will he eat pasta at all as we find that a good way of hiding less acceptable foods ! We often find our kids have a day or two of eating mainly veg or mainly meat but I think it evens out over a week or so.

Hope you find a solution,

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You're doing fine. I was a really fussy eater, was made to sit at the table until it went cold and congeled etc - and it NEVER worked! I vowed NEVER to have food battles with my own children and have stuck to that , despite having a DH like yours. DS1 eats anything, DS2 has a diet very similar to your DS, maybe pared down a little. He's normal, bright and happy. Don't change what you're doing and it will amke for a happy child and no stess mealtimes.

I agree with aloha and everyone else dont make mealtimes into a battle as it is one war you will never win.
Your sons diet seems quite healthy to me also, but I would allow more full fat milk.
My dd2 never liked meat from when she was a few months old. Like aloha she would gag at the thought. It was just one of those things I had to accept and never pushed her. She still does not eat meat and she is 17.I just offered alternatives like quorn etc.
Just carry on doing what you are doing but also offering alternatives and see if he likes them.

Good Lord,
You've made my day!... make that my year! .. I was not expecting anything like this kind of response.. I can't write much 'cos hubby's due home in half an hour and I've got stuff to do.. but I will respond to each and every reply.. Thank you all for your support. It is such a relief to hear that other children actually manage to reach a healthy adulthood despite (and how I remember them!!!) the school dinner ladies. I spent the whole afternoon sitting outside the Principal's office once when I was about 10; I'd thrown up a piece of fatty meat I'd been forced to eat by the teacher at my lunch table.. as soon as it was up to me I was a vegetarian until well into my late 30's! Nobody's gonna bully my baby! Thank you ladies.
Lotsaluv, Lyn.

I agree with Aloha et al ...
I have the same battle with DH, David's mum ... he says that I am letting my DS be a fussy eater ... and that we must try and make him eat things. My answer to that is just because he is a child does that mean he is not allowed to have 'taste buds'? My DH will eat everything except tinned pineapple ... I do not make him eat tinned pineapple so why should I make DS eat things he doesn't like? I had years of being made to sit at the table after my siblings had left - "You will not leave the table until that plate is empty, young lady" and it was miserable.
If DS has something new I will always encourage him to 'try a bit' and it is quite evident to me if he genuinely dislikes it or if he is having me on.
I am lucky that although DS will not touch meat he will eat vegetables and fruit ... and he has a good appetite so when he is given something he likes he eats a lot ... so I don't worry about his weight or anything ...
You are doing a great job ... keep it up!

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My son has been described as a selective eater. Only eats Spag Bol (cooked by my Mum), yoghurts (Munch Bunch), plain crisp (Walkers), milk chocolate (Cadburys) rice crispies, egg sandwiches, bourbon biscuits,oven chips, grapes, apples and bananas. He will only drink water. He used to drink milk by the gallon until he was about five (only out of a bottle) until he sicked it up one night and now will only have milk on his cereal. I was concerned but my health visitor said he was getting all food groups and it was a healthier diet than many she had come across, mainly because he hated sugary, sticky sweets and didn't drink sugary pop. (Our dentist certainly loves seeing him). I give him a multi vitamin every day and up to now he has been very healthy with only one day off school in the last three years. In my opinion force feeding can only lead to eating disorders later in life - my sister in law cannot look at a vegetable without gagging after being forced to eat them as a child. Having a selective eater can be a pain as you end up taking "packed lunches" everywhere you go and going abroad can be a nightmare. Hopefully he will "grow out of it" as my doctor has predicted.

bloss, I found what you said really interesting. Did/do you also have great sensitivity to smells? DS2 won't eat at the table if there is anything he perceive as smelling 'yucky'. I wonder if he is also a supertaster.