Are you teaching your daughters to be financially independent?

[catspyjamas1]

I’m 43. The best advice I ever got when I was 13/14 years old from my grandmother was to be financially independent and to make sure I could look after myself. Her first marriage was abusive and the advice to her grand-daughters was consistent in regards to money – don’t ever be reliant on a man for money. At my age, this resonates still.

I read threads on Mumsnet every single week from women who have no idea of their "joint" finances because they’ve decided to be SAHM. Which is great but how TF are you not looking after yourself financially?! And planning for yourself and your children when things go wrong? Are you on the deeds for your house? Etc...

I get there is a generational difference for some. But I do worry that women my age aren’t properly equipped for the future.

Both my granny and my mother instilled the same thing into me and my sister from a young age! This is why I’ve been able to get divorced at 47 and hold onto the marital home….. because I kept working FT, built my career and made sure I’d always be in a position to provide for me and my kids. During the marriage I was the one who kept a tight rein on the finances, we didn’t over extend mortgage wise etc.

My mum gave me absolutely zero financial advice ever but feeling secure has always felt very important for me. My DD is only 2 but if she ever wants to have kids, i will strongly advise her against becoming a SAHM.

DH and i have a good relationship but we don’t even have a joint account. I’ve been told that joint accounts cause huge fallouts when couples split ad well.

Not just financially independent, but never to give up her light so someone else can shine. She’s in a steady relationship with a great guy, but I know that after uni he will go to back to his hometown where he will have a great job and be very successful (thriving and lucrative family business). She wants to work internationally (think law/policy type job) and has done since she was a young teen.

I was worried she would hang around all summer to be with him but she went and got herself a great summer job abroad where she will get to practice the skills she needs for her future career, and she has selected an ‘inconvenient’ university for her year out (further away, no direct flights from the local airport). I don’t know what will happen to them long term. They make a lovely couple and are very happy together, but I suspect by the end of her degree she will have outgrown him.

Your grandmother was a wise lady OP. I had no financial advice from my mother or grandmother growing up, I’ve done okay but there were days back in my twenties that I sure could have done with a bolt hole or at least a hidden ‘rainy day fund’. I sure as hell will be telling my daughter the importance of being financially independent.

My American mother’s advice was to marry a doctor. She took me to the hospital at 14 and signed me up to be a candy striper- a volunteer who goes around and fetches food/drinks, magazines and so on for the patients. You could marry back then at 16 and she was on a mission to get me married off to a doctor. My mother should have been born in the 1800s.

Holy shit, that's madness! Did you end u0 marrying a doctor??

Yes. I‘m a single parent, raised by a single parent. I don’t care how my daughter ends up making money; but making money is important. Everyone needs an escape plan. Money gives you that

I don’t think my mum ever told us, but the impact on her (and us!) of her divorce from my dad (who had a very well paid job) made it clear to me that I shouldn’t rely on a man for money.

Mum didn’t have any choice, she grew up in a time when women had to give up work when they married. She’d left school at 14 with no qualifications, so by the time of the divorce she had to go back to study before she could get a decent job.

I insisted that DH went part time when I did, which gave him a great relationship with our daughters and a full understanding that a day at home with a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old is not a “day off”!

I’m the much higher earner but we’ve pooled all our money since when we met (we earned similar amounts back then).

I have taught all my children to be financially independent.

Yes! Always taught my girls “a man’s not a plan” and to have their own money and therefore choices.

I remember my MIL saying to them “marry a rich man” when they were little. No way. If I’d followed that advice I wouldn’t have married her son lol.

I was taught to value my career as much as my husbands, to be financially independent so while we share finances I have a strong salary and flexibility where I need it. It meant that when we did separate for a period of time we both could manage our living costs without too much stress.

I’ll be teaching both my DS and DD to be sure they can function financially in the event of a split, and that if there’s a SAHP in the mix the one bringing in the money needs to finance everything for all the family including pensions etc. if they can’t afford to do that they can’t afford someone to not be working. It’s not just about take home pay v childcare costs, it’s the long term impact they need to think about.

No, I'm giving my girls a shit example but I'm also trapped. I want to work. I miss work. My husband said me having a job is not viable. I can't get an evening job because he doesnf know what time he gets home. I can't get a day job because I need to to drop offs and pick ups. I can't get a weekend job because we will never be together as a family. Yet he'll also argue that he isbt a barrier to me working. I'm the primary parent. He does as he pleases. I do all the servitude. This isn't what we agreed. We were meant to be a partnership. Since having the kids husband had 15 -20k in pay rises. Apart from a school job I'm basically very limited work wise. I've also totally lost my confidence and self esteem.

My mum and gran always told me to have a secret account that dh knew nothing about and save what I can into it, just in case.

So, I have my own savings account that money gets paid into each month. It’s not a nice sun of money in it.

my father died when my I was 4 and my mum was a widow at 32, he left her up shit creek money wise and I never wanted to be in that situation .

Can you look at childcare for after school, most people need to use some form of after school help to be able to work. Even if your job only covers the cost, the long term security and confidence gains are worth it. I couldn’t be financially dependent on someone who seemed determined to keep me out of the workforce.

I don't remember exactly how or when, but I was definitely told by my parents to look after myself first and foremost at some time during my teens, both in terms of health, finances, sex, etc. It was probably part of the "sex" talk or around the same time. Basically all about self respect, self reliance, etc., and never to rely on anyone else or get beholden to anyone else. That would have been back in the late 70s or early 80s.

That advice served me very well.

I've never allowed myself to be taken advantage of, taken for a fool, abused in any way, etc.

I started working and saving during school holidays and weekend jobs, and then saved even more when I started having "proper" jobs after leaving school. I've always had more savings than my DH who literally had no savings at all when we first met as he was also low paid at that time. I sorted out my own private pension in the mid 80s when they were first widely introduced and have been contributing into it ever since. When I bought our home with DH, we put in half each for the deposit and set up a joint account where we both put in equal amounts for all the household bills. I still have my own savings, which continue to be higher than DH's even though he quickly qualified and became a similar earner to me a couple of years after we met.

As for jobs, I always made sure I had enough savings to "walk out" if the need arose, which happened twice. Once I walked out after being unfairly criticised by an incompetent boss for something I didn't do wrong. Just not going to put up with that. Second, was on the second day of a new job and I just didn't like the atmosphere and one of the bosses who showed her true colours as a bully on my first day. No thanks. Having the buffer of savings meant I didn't need to stay and suffer.

Same with men, at the first sign of any "bad" signs, I'd not hesitate to dump and not give them a second chance or listen to any excuses nor promises of improvements etc. Too much self respect to be treated like a doormat.

Same with tradesmen, car salesmen etc., I just won't be treated as the "little woman" and they soon feel my wrath if they try to patronise or intimidate me. They absolute hate it, say, when I tell a decorator whose screwed up some wallpapering, i.e. uneven tops/bottoms, mismatched joins etc that they have to do it again - they expect the "little woman" to be grateful and put up with it. No way!

What I can't understand is my sister, a couple of years younger who had the same upbringing, and presumably had the same "talk" with our parents, but she's the polar opposite, basically "fell" for the first lad who showed interest in her and ended up completely reliant on him, emotionally and financially, gave up her studies and chance of a good career to be "with him", and suffered a fairly miserable and controlled married life, entirely dependant on him, trapped by him, etc but she couldn't see it, or was in denial. It was almost their 25th anniversary before she finally saw sense and they separated and then divorced, but she'd lost all her prime years, came out of it with no money, now renting a tiny flat, no savings nor pension, etc.

So even if parents "teach" their daughters, there's no guarantee the person themselves will take heed, sadly.

My eldest is currently on the waiting list for suspected ADHD and autism. The youngest i think also has ADHD. I've look at the local after school provision and I wasn't happy with it. I actually saw them on a day trip. The staff were sitting on their phones while the kids ran wild. I dont do that with my kids. I watch and manage issues before they come up. Honestly. Im so tired I have no fight in me. Im not sure if I'd even have tge every to do everything i do and work as well. I do EVERYTHING.

I think am important lesson is; the first 2 years are as good as it gets, observe, watch for the red flags and dont invest if you're unhappy. I have always done everything. The difference is before he had 3 jobs and I had one. Now he has 1 job and I carry the load and then get call controling even though I'm the one doing everything without any offer of support.

In education, the experts say you have to repeat things at least 7 times to learn them, so keep banging on...

It's extremely important to teach financial knowledge to DCs but there are some refinements for married couples. MN loves a 'secret' account but see below!

Key points for married people:

Make a bloody will!! It's not expensive and it's so worth it to your DSpouse and DCs. If you pop it, the people you love will have a less stressful time and your assets are guaranteed to go where you want.

Find out about all pensions and who is named as the beneficiary on them! If you are recently married, DSpo may need to update this (to remove some other beneficiary - so many threads about how DM or ExW/H is still beneficiary and current spouse is left up the creek). Obvs, things are changing for pensions tax-wise but, all the same, DSpo or DCs should be named as beneficiaries.

Be aware that your personal possessions, accounts and pensions are actually just as much a shared asset as your DSpouse's possessions, accounts/pensions (so that 'secret' account for running away IS technically 1/2 your DSpouse's! and will be considered joint property in the divorce reckoning if you split. This is NOT a reason to avoid a secret account just a warning that ultimately, it's not so secret.)

Keep working, even if only p/t or freelance so that you have a current CV and your skills keep pace with the times (IT, etc)

Joint acct is not the devil but only use it to pay shared expenses; NB: some couples prefer to pool everything but reading MN will tell you that most people also have a 'secret' account too (see above). Remember: it may be 'secret' but your DSpo can still claim 1/2.

Make sure you are on the deed to every property whether as joint or tenants in common; be joint on your main dwelling so that if one of you suddenly pops it, the other is not left on a limb. Tell DCs to read up on joint vs tenants in common to understand the specifics.

if you are giving up work to be a SAHP, make sure you and/or DSpouse is contributing to a pension of some kind in your name and to your NI. Contributing to NI can be done by lump sum personally, not just by employers.

No, I did not. My mum later divorced my Dr dad and had a bit of regret.
😂