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Feminism: chat

sexism when buying a house.

16 replies

Afolnerd · 06/05/2026 14:36

This is going to be a bit of a rant apologies.

My husband and I are buying our first home together. I have previously owned but he is a first time buyer.
As I have done this before I am dealing with most of the paperwork etc but every stage is giving me the rage.

Estate agents. Do you have your husbands permission to negotiate the price! Fuck off the deposit is all my money.

Survey company. Told to phone me as dh can’t take calls in work hours. Nope they couldn’t possibly speak to me about manly building things, I don’t have a penis, I couldn’t possibly understand.
We will schedule in a call when dh is free! despite the fact that half my family are builders and I am a lot more knowledgeable than dh in most hands on situations.

mortgage broker. Oh are you sure that’s what you want to do? Dh speaks to him 10 minutes later repeating the same thing. Yes of course I will sort that for you now!
also noticed I was first on the paperwork and now that has suddenly switched. Obviously the important man must come first.

The only person who hasn’t done this is our solicitor who is a man but quite happy to speak to me and hasn’t even had a conversation with dh. Comes to something when I am grateful to be treated as an equal by a man.

Dh is great and directs them back to me, and points it out to them but honestly is the whole housing market full of arseholes like this or have we been spectacularly unlucky?

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 06/05/2026 18:43

This is so disappointing to read in this day and age.

After my divorce when I was buying as a single woman (the THIRD time I had actually bought a house) I put down a deposit of 70% and just needed a 30% mortgage which came to just under twice my annual salary.

The house I wanted to buy needed some work done on the roof as part of normal maintenance and Cheltenham and Gloucester first of all said to me 'It says that there needs some work doing - how will you be able to manage that?' which I'm pretty sure they would never have said to a man and after I pointed out that was sexist bullshit they refused to release any of the money until after I had 'replaced the roof' despite me telling them I was NOT going to replace a roof on a property I did not own, and without the 30% mortgage I couldn't buy the property to do so. I had to go elsewhere for a mortgage.

They were dicks and I hope they've gone bust. This was in the 1990s.

GarlicMind · 06/05/2026 18:47

Had all this nonsense around the turn of the century. Very cross to hear it's still ongoing - that's a whole new generation of sexist twats!

filofaxdouble · 06/05/2026 18:59

My mortgage was put in my husband’s name first and mine second despite me paying the bulk of the mortgage, deposit, fees and doing all the financial paperwork.

I told the mortgage broker what I’ve thought of it and she apologised but it’s done now.

Very annoying. As the primary applicant and person doing all the organising and if it’s strictly an administrative thing, my name comes first in the alphabet not his so on those grounds my name should also be first.

SonyaLoosemore · 06/05/2026 19:02

Are you sure you haven't misunderstood this, OP? If you are jointly buying, you both need to sign off each stage of the process. Who pays the deposit is irrelevant.
Of course there is no reason for DH to be first on the paperwork so that is bad.

dairydebris · 06/05/2026 19:04

I hope you might have been spectacularly unlucky?

I'm always in charge of houses, mortgages etc and I haven't found same... I do always let them know at start of process I'm the main point of contact- they will probably never speak to my husband. Its always been fine for me this way.

Yours sound like a bunch of twats. I'd tell them to stop asking for your husband and that you make the decisions on these things. Hopefully that'll help.

ProudAmberTurtle · 06/05/2026 19:05

Maybe there is some sexism going on but some of these examples are joint financial decisions - they would be asking the husband the same questions about their wife's consent.

LivinginanNDhouse · 06/05/2026 19:06

My name came second despite the fact it was alphabetically first and I was applicant one. Numerous letters to Dr and Mrs Living and had to keep pointing out over and over it was Dr and Mr Living. The tiny male brains couldn’t cope with that. Do you want to check with your husband - no I’m good thanks I’m the one with the PhD in engineering asking the structure questions on the survey - he’s a fab husband but he has a history degree and knows nothing about the structure of homes I physically build bridges I think I can cope. But the Dr and Mrs thing on all the paperwork upset me as it was pretty much changed on every letter

DrPrunesqualer · 06/05/2026 21:20

Agree agree agree

Dh and I have different surnames. Alphabetically my name comes first but dhs name is always first on official docs
so

Wait till the land registry docs come out
Your dh name will be first.
Mortgage the same
Gas, electric etc etc

I arranged all house moves, paperwork and surveys, I’m an Architect so can understand a simple survey but solicitors, estate agents etc seem to think they need dhs thoughts too.
‘Why ???….. am I brain dead and insignificant because I don’t have a penis

I was with my bank for 20 or so years and when dh came on as joint accn holder whose name was first……yep

We all need to complain about this sexism.
When I phoned Cheltenham and Gloucester mortgage department and asked them why they were sexist they …… were confused. They changed the names over to alphabetical only I’m guessing because they thought I might sue

Ive moved a lot and make it clear to conveyancers that our names must be alphabetical. Out of the last six moves only the last was correct….apparently computer says no

logiccalls · 09/05/2026 12:52

Yes it is infuriating: A long time ago, women simply could not get credit, a tenancy, or even hire anything, without a real person i.e. a male, signing for them. A woman solicitor had her own thriving business, but her dad, a retired manual worker, had to hire some household gadget on her behalf.

A woman had two properties, one held outright, bought for cash, with unencumered freehold deeds to hand over as security. She proposed leaving the deeds against borrowing a fairly trivial sum. It would fund merely moving a door, to improve the layout of the other house, and thereby increase value by creating an extra room.
(Normally, she would save up first for everything, but the correct builder had a 'window', and the weather was right, and the extra room would soon provide extra income from a lodger, so just for once, she was willing to go into a tiny amount of temporary debt) The bank sneered "we aren't pawnbrokers" and "we don't lend to women, they might get pregnant".

The only tiny comfort is when using weakness as strength: Pestered at the door, or by a salesman, (notably in Arab countries) it can be a game-winner, bringing slightly baffled, but instant, respite, to cite a 'husband', who "won't allow" buying anything, deciding anything, carrying cash, etc.

Incidentally, a cheap fake wedding ring and fleeting mention of a 'husband' is a pretty good anti-grope, anti-approach- and- pester device, at work, on holiday, or anywhere else.

A safety ruse at the door can be holding a finger to the mouth, and speaking barely above a whisper, because the "husband is sleeping, because he's worked a night shift".

A similar trick was a woman living alone in an isolated cottage, who obtained a set of giant sized wellies, slippers, raincoat, dressing gown, and a hall stand to display them, in sight of anyone approaching the front door. Men don't respect women, but they do fear the 'owners' of women.

Especially if they might be big and strong: One policeman pushed his way into the flat of a woman, full of confidence, presumably because she had returned home alone late at night, therefore was fair game and unprotected, and she couldn't threaten to call the police, since he WAS 'the police'
His opening gambit was that they were both out late, and he was desperate for a cup of tea, which, he insisted, nobody could possibly refuse him. She began to boil the kettle, observing his gaze as he surveyed the kitchen.....

Hanging on the back of the kitchen door was a truly enormous Karate suit, (belonging to her lodger). Suddenly, the policeman remembered he didn't have time for tea, and almost ran out of the flat..!

theturtleswims · 09/05/2026 13:03

Years ago, DH was added to the the bank account that had been in my sole name for many years. Because of this, he was 2nd named on the account. The advisor commented that it was very unusual to have the woman as first named because their system always put the man first on new accounts. Anyway, years later again (and actually only a few years ago), I noticed that the names had been switched around on correspondence so now DH comes first. I was bit annoyed that they'd gone to the trouble.

Bridgertonisbest · 09/05/2026 13:08

Christ on a bike I don’t recognise most of this. I bought my first propert as a single woman in 1991. Dh (then boyfriend) bought our first house together in 1998. I did the price negotiation, spoke to solicitors etc. The only time I encountered anything like this was when we were looking to get some work done on the house and the organisation refused to come out and quote unless dh was there. Dh worked away and was not about to spend a minute of his weekend away dealing with such matters so we simply went elsewhere.

i do have a resting bitch face which I’ve come to realise is an advantage and I dare say that I probably have a resting bitch telephone tone 🙄

Boutonnière · 09/05/2026 13:44

I don’t recall this at any point of buying/selling houses and I’ve always taken the lead for admin etc, What I did have was a mess up by Building Control over some recent work (final inspection had been passed, inspector left for new job without completing admin and there was some glitch with their system to access file, revisit with head inspector arranged to get it signed off. .) My name was on application, all communication with department had been with me, appointment at house was with me. We started, I was showing photos of previous progress work on phone, my DH returned home and I briefly introduced for politeness before DH headed upstairs and then the inspector turned towards him, fully blocking me, and continued the discussion as if I wasn’t there. My DH raised his eyebrows and said ‘ I’m not sure why you are addressing me, my wife is managing this project and I’ll let you two get on with it. ‘ The man showed not the least embarrassment.

Offherrockingchair · 09/05/2026 13:49

Reminds me of John Lewis. Changed me from Ms Off to Mrs Husband’s Name when they delivered our wedding list stuff. I’ve always had the same name and always gone by Ms. Livid was not the word. How dare they have the temerity to think they know my name better than me?!

FlatCatYellowMat · 09/05/2026 13:55

Yep, happened to me every time I've done anything with property while in a relationship (and actually, when I wasn't in a relationship - they struggled to understand sometimes that I was the only person deciding which windows I wanted/sorting out the shower/fitting radiators etc.)

Barclays actually ended up paying me 50 quid after I added ex to my account and they decided he was primary for everything and started only sending emails to him (as PP my first and last names both came first alphabetically). Estate agent nearly lost us a house as they sent everything to him, despite never actually having met him as he was away for work a lot and I was dealing with everything.

And now I'm a single mum with 2 sons, it's insane the number of times we'll book to go somewhere, and somehow, the booking will end up under one of their names rather than mine. Hotels, even flights (last trip, my youngest got set as primary passenger when it transferred due to code-share and we had to book all the luggage under his name. He's 12)

CheltenhamLady · 09/05/2026 17:14

I thought all this had changed, but it seems not. When we bought our first house, my salary wasn't even taken into account because ' you might get pregnant'!
I was outraged, but it made no difference.

JohnTheRevelator · 09/05/2026 18:13

Good grief. Are they stuck in the 1950s?

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