Is wanting stability and healthy co-parenting instead of revenge really so unusual?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

I’m posting partly for perspective, and partly because I’m curious about something.
How many women genuinely rely entirely on their husbands financially? I’ve had a lot of messages due to my previous post telling me I should be plotting revenge or making my husband “suffer,” and I honestly cannot relate to that mindset. I can stand on my own two feet. I work full time, I have my own savings, and our joint savings require both of us to authorise any movement of money. I’m not financially trapped or dependent. I know I am very privileged in that aspect.

For context, my husband and I lost our baby girl, he just never wanted to face the grief whereas I did, he helped me by sorting out counselling for me but he refused he couldn’t do it. He cried on the day our daughter died and never again not even at her funeral (maybe behind closed doors) but he was ashamed that people saw him cry. He then had an affair. It lasted around five months. He says they slept together a handful of times. He bought her a £15k necklace, they went to restaurants, and he says she paid her share as well. He has shown me their last messages from just before Christmas where he ended it and said he wants to try to work things out with me. He says he still loves me and that he has been foolish. He does not blame her or me, only himself.

This all stems from us losing our daughter, before this we had the best life together we were very lucky. We lost our daughter suddenly to SIDS in 2024. I can speak about her without breaking down, but he cannot even say her name without nearly crying, and he fights those tears. He started individual counselling today to deal with that grief. I dropped him off because he was nervous. We have our first joint counselling session next week. I am open to either outcome. If counselling helps us rebuild, good. If it helps us separate more clearly and kindly, that is also something I can accept.

I am hurt and angry. He knows that. But I do not see how trying to punish him would help me or my children. If he suffers, my children suffer. He cannot be a good father if I am actively trying to make his life miserable. Whatever happens between us, he is their father for life. I will always want him to be mentally well enough to parent properly.
Financially, I am not naive. We paid 50/50 on the house deposit and mortgage. It is in both our names. If we separated and could not agree, we would likely sell and split it. His work pension nominates me and the children. He has a small cycling business that he built with university friends. I never contributed to it, so I do not feel entitled to it. The children can benefit from it one day, but I do not need to “take” it from him to feel secure.

His parents have put aside money for all their grandchildren. My three boys each have a substantial amount set aside for when they turn 18. His grandparents also left money for them. I genuinely do not believe there is some grand plan to strip our children of everything. People seem convinced he will abandon them or financially ruin us. I hope that is not the case. I would like to believe we will remain united on our children, whatever happens to our marriage.

I am not passive. I am measured. I still love him, even though I am deeply hurt. We had a very good marriage for many years. When we hit the hardest thing a couple can face, the sudden death of a child, he crumbled. I see weakness more than evil.

So I suppose my real questions are:

• Do most women feel financially dependent on their husbands?
• Is wanting stability and healthy co-parenting instead of revenge really so unusual?

I want to make it known I do understand that I am coming from a very privileged background which is most likely why I’m asking this question but I have had many messages from different people saying they don’t understand how I am so calm or why I don’t want revenge or how much they hate men, I don’t hate men, I have 3 sons aged 12, 10 and 7 they’re just boys at the moment but they’ll be men one day I love my boys so much I want to give them a chance. I didn’t know this many people really disliked men that much as a whole, some of the stuff said has been insane maybe I’m naive ? I have brothers and a father who is a very good role model to me even now at 39 I still go to him for advice he’s a good man. There are awful men out there but where does this hate I’m supposed to have go , who does it benefit if I make my husband “suffer” my children will suffer too surely.

I am long term married but I am an mature responsible for myself adult a man is not nor should be a plan

Your DH was ignoring you and dating another woman. You knew about this and when you asked him you said that he lied to you so you stopped asking. It was only when you blurted out that you wanted a divorce that he suddenly 'ended' it with his girlfriend, slept with you for the first time in a year and started promising to get counselling, etc.

Many posters tried to warn you that this was the script and that you shouldn't believe him because you know he lies.

That said, no there is no reason to get revenge. It's not a given, you can just walk away with your head held high. You said you were already done with the marriage and you just wanted to co-parent amicably. Nothing wrong with that.

Respectfully, you have enough on your plate to deal with without trying to ascertain what “most” women are like. Every experience is an individual one, but the way society has been structured for many centuries has certainly set a lot of women up to be financially disadvantaged.

Do what works for you and leave others to do what works for them.

Frankly I’d be wanting half of that $15k he dropped on the necklace for his fuckbuddy though.

He spent fifteen thousand pounds on a necklace?
Sorry, I know I should be more focused on the rest of your post but what the actual fuck?!
Cannot get my head round that when you have three children.
As to your question, I don't think seeking revenge or badmouthing him to your sons helps heal wounds or right wrongs.
He does not deserve you though or your empathy.
I am sorry for your loss
I admire your resilience.
You are a better woman than me.

That's exceedingly sad. I'm very sorry for the loss of your daughter, I couldn't imagine anything worse than loosing one of my children.
Your husband's behaviour sounds more like a mid life crisis than a natural reaction to losing your daughter. And if that's the case it could happen again. My bil had a nervous breakdown in similar circumstances, he didn't have an affair or spend the price of a more than decent family car on a piece of jewellery for his mistress.
You are talking from a financially secure position, that's not to say you haven't worked hard to get to that point. Trouble is, a lot of women in lower paid jobs work hard but don't achieve that level of financial security. And not all of us have husbands.
I'm not sure what your main point is, are you trying to gauge reaction to your very calm and measured approach? Or are you wondering how some women manage financially?

You have not yet gone through the divorce process.

you have not (yet) and maybe never will seen your children in tears because if his actions.

I hate my ExH. Not so much for what he did to me but for what he inflicted on our children.

come back in a couple of years. Maybe you’ll have a lovely divorce and a great co-parenting relationship, most don’t

I'm sorry for your loss op. I think everyone has to forge their own path so, while your choices are perfectly valid, other people's choices are valid too. I hope you find the peace and stability you're looking for. ♥️

I grew up being encouraged to feel disloyal if I ever said anything good about my father. My Mother just couldn't cope with me loving him too and would always stay neutral until I said something positive and then the floodgates would open on how awful he was. The thing is their relationship was not any of my business - they divorced when I was a baby. He was a good Dad to me and had my best interests at heart. However, my relationship with him is forever fractured because of my Mother's emotional blackmail and manipulation of me.

So with that background when my own marriage broke down which was the last thing I wanted for me or my children, I resolved to never make them choose between us and to make sure they knew he loved them and it was ok for them to love him too and that what happened between us was nothing to do with them. They are now grown up and I am invited to a large family lunch next month with ex and ex in-laws and all their children too because we all weirdly get on. They all think he went through a stupid patch and can't believe we ended up divorced.

I didn't want to fight about money or things as none of that is what is important in life. I just wanted to move on with as little destruction as possible. We divorced around 20 years ago now and we have always been united on parenting our children. I have no desire for revenge and don't wish him any harm at all. He's not a bad man but just made some bad choices and decisions. I realise it's unusual but it's worked for us and our children.

Expect the worst from him in the case of divorce. Plan for that, as that's what most men do. If he doesn't, and behaves ok, you don't lose anything.

Some humans are emotionally immature, full of jealousy, bitterness, anger, loathing, self-pity, etc.
Some humans are (or try very hard to be) more mature, calm, compassionate, neutral, self-reflective etc.
You will always get both types posting on public forums.

But of course those that post are self-selecting, and are more likely to have been through bad relationships. Happily married people are less likely to post.

Then the divorce process itself is set up by law and the courts to be adversarial, that is the nature of the legal beast. So it brings out the worst in people.

How many women genuinely rely entirely on their husbands financially?
Far more than you would like to believe, in this day and age.
All it takes is a couple of maternity leaves, on top of minimum wage jobs and astronomical childcare costs, and it just makes it impossible for women to get back to work for many years.
Many, many, many people do not have "careers". They are stuck on minimum wage or just above, plus Universal Credit, pretty much for life.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I managed an amicable divorce when our son was aged 2. We managed it all ourselves and split what we had 50.50. Neither of us paid maintenance as we agreed shared care. We had a good co-parenting relationship and our son is almost 23 now and has grown up to be a well rounded and kind adult on a career he loves. It’s impossible albeit rare. I also work in family law and see the fallout when adults aren’t able to do this. It damages children and has lifelong impacts. I hope you can work through things and you do end up divorcing manage to do so amicably for the sake of your children and your own emotional wellbeing. X

I agree that a healthy co-parenting relationship is the ideal and wish it was the norm. Sadly things often deteriorate. Sometimes it's because of the conflicts/issues from during the marriage. Sometimes it's because once separated, people see a very different side of their ex. Perhaps he regularly cancels arrangements with the kids at the last minute, and you're stuck comforting them again. Perhaps he is no longer willing to contribute to school fees or hobbies that he used to embrace, and at the same time is buying lavish presents for a new girlfriend & taking her kids on expensive holidays. So yes, ideally everyone would have healthy coparenting relationships. But if they don't, it may not be for want of trying.

I wanted to co parent with my ex and said this to him when we split:

"We both love our son and if we keep that front and centre of our minds, we will not go far wrong."

I am in no way financially dependent on my ex. I could have claimed for maintenance when we split but did not. I could earn my own money and have.

I should add, one thing that helped is we got couples counselling before we split. While it didn't mean we stayed together, it got all the lingering issues that caused us to split out in the open so they no longer had their sting.

I'm mid separation and no, I never felt financially dependent on my STBEHX.
And I feel similar about wanting stability and healthy co-parenting instead of revenge. I think anyway! However, I do accept that I am not emotionally independent yet.

I know my circumstances are fairly different to normal situations, STBEXH came out after 10 years and 2 kids together and we are still living together. It's been 11 months since he came out and I'm still fairly devastated tbh, he cheated online with some random men and has been active with others since. He's not rubbing my face in it, but is also shit at being subtle so it's easy to see when he's out shagging.

I accept that I'm not the person I thought I was though, I always assumed I'd kick a partner to the kerb if they were unfaithful, but I've come to the realisation that if it wasn't with a man I'd have forgiven him. It's was a surprise to learn about myself

While my ex wasn't unfaithful (to my knowledge) we ended up living together for a year after we split. In that time, I started a relationship with someone else (who I'm still with). I was honest but that caused some hurt for a while and I understand that. But in the long term, I think the honesty helped, even though it was only due to the house market at that time that we were still in the same home. If we weren't, it would have been none of his business.

I'm not sure about if I'd forgive infidelity. My father has been a serial cheat with other women and not all that good at hiding it. But also I do get that sometimes relationships aren't as good as they once were and sometimes this coincides with someone else coming along. It happens so often, yet we have social expectations that it never will. I don't know where I'm going with all this but perhaps as I get older, I understand those who stay and those who don't more than I thought. But with someone like my Dad who is just repeating the same behaviour again and again, I don't get it.

I thought I'd be stronger about not forgiving infidelity, but realised how much I loved my ex and didn't want to be without him, which make me feel pathetic and needy.

Get this, at the start of our relationship he said he saw infidelity as a deal breaker, so I thought I was safe from that. Ha, if only I'd known. I'm trying not to be bitter, I've watched a person at my head at absolute loggerheads with their ex over child arrangements with failed mediation, and is heading towards court. It's so sad, they haven't seen their child in 5 months and hace turned into a nasty bitter person. I don't want to he that person, even if I have to give something else up

OP - I am so sorry you lost your darling daughter and that, as so often happens, the different way you and your H reacted added further to your distress.

Your own route to seek help has stood you in good stead.

No I do not think revenge and half the 'clever' revenge driven tactics suggested my MN Keyboard Warriors are helpful - for us as individuals or for the future stability and well being of children.

Personally I did not ever make myself dependent on a man. Our parenting was properly 50/50 and I made sure that my career, income, pension was no more compromised by childbearing than his. I made a bad mistake and lost out in the way I accepted the way the solicitor wrote the Deed for our house owned as Tenants In Common (as a cash amount rather than a percentage) but apart from that I have been financially independent.

I hope the counselling gives you clarity and him a big wake up call, clarity and also a new road to healing.

Good luck OP,