Childhood Sexual Abuse - surviving well?

[Frettingwife]

Posting under a little used name for anonymity and within this category as my feminist analysis is central to my understanding of my CSA. In my 60s now and have had lots of therapy at different points in my life. Functioned pretty well all through my mid 30s onwards but have been retriggered by retirement and parental bereavement. I expect as I'm not working the extra time is also allowing stuff to surface rather than just being pushed down by busy-ness. I've had more therapy recently which I found helpful and reached a point where I felt happy and content for a few months but now I feel restless and anxious again at times. I know what my issues are (I think!) but I'm seeking to contain and manage them some other way than therapy. I've read Keeper of Your Own Flame by Jessica Taylor and found it useful. I suppose I'm just wanting to find a community of women who are also mostly functioning but looking for peer support as part of their personal development. I don't like to keep taking stuff to my friends even though they are supportive. Any ideas?
NB Husband's health stable so user name not really applicable right now!

Hi. I have adult adopted children who were severely abused (not sexually) but anyway my understanding is that you should seek support from a moderated group as otherwise members can retraumatise each other. I dont know any suitable groups but I would just be cautious of becoming involved in anything where people are unvetted and there is no moderation. I was in an unmoderated adopters' group - we had people join who weren't adopters, who were just there for fun, who made up extreme stories, were only caught out years later by chance. We all totally believed them. Please be careful.

Thank you for your thoughtful message. It had crossed my mind that there was an element of risk involved in putting this on MN, even anonymously, but I hadn't visualised the scenario you describe. Definitely something of which to be wary. Quite by chance, an advert for a women-only healing retreat has come up with well qualified facilitators so perhaps that is the way to go.

@Frettingwife

I've been in lots of peer support groups in the past as an adult woman who suffered child abuse. I never came across anyone who joined to make things up but of course, we can never know if everyone fully believes us or how truthful everyone is. Admittedly it never occurred to me that anyone would fabricate abuse (apart from abusers themselves). Perhaps because, like so many, I'd been disbelieved for years. The retreat sounds good.

A problem is that most of these groups were run by charities, many of which were closed by lack of funding. There are online groups but these tend to be a bit disjointed with long gaps between replies etc. Personally, I prefer a face to face group. You could do a search online to try and find groups you might be able to join. Some of them have time limits which can be harmful - open up a whole lot of powerful emotions and then get cut off because your six weeks is up. Same with NHS counselling. The best group was one set up by a woman survivor - there was no vetting and it worked well. I am not sure how vetting would work.

I'm also in my 60s and have got to a point where I'd like to be in a group again. Very much understand your point about having more time in retirement to think about these things.My mother was the main abuser and she also abused my brother and elder sister but they turned on me and eventually there were all five family against me in my teenage years; there was sexual abuse, violence and mental cruelty.

Sorry that I can't be more helpful.

Thank you, appreciate you sharing your experience. It's good to know I'm not alone with this recurring stuff in my 60s. ❤️

I’ve name changed as I don’t want this connected to my usual name.

I’ve been on and off medication since my twenties. I haven’t managed counselling. I ignore it and try not to think about it, then it becomes too much and I need to get another prescription. I’m in my 50s now; I think I’m probably past the stage where it would make a difference and this strategy keeps me basically functioning. I still can’t verbalise what happened to me, and it wasn’t as bad as some suffered. I got off lightly in comparison to many. I don’t want to take up a space on the waiting list when someone who is ready and able to talk about it and accept help, would benefit more than I would. I can’t bear to hear about it and can only talk about it in the most general of terms. I still feel self disgust and the urge to vomit if I think about it. Too much to be of any help to anyone else.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. Other than to say you’re not alone. Be careful who you talk to. I hope the retreat is everything you need it to be 💐

So sorry for your experiences. I'm in my 60s too and the extra time I have had brought things to the surface, although I feel it's in a good way as I'm processing stuff that I've buried.
I don't have much to add that might be useful other than to say it's taken me a long time to be able to start developing self compassion and release emotions and now that that's happening I'm feeling a lot better for it.
I hope everyone here can find peace.

I am so sorry you went through this.

I am mid 40s and one of my triggers has been my children becoming the age I was when abused started/changed/escalated. I had considered myself to be functioning pretty well (job, kids, home, marriage etc) but actually my relationship with alcohol was worsening and I had been ignoring issues in my marriage for years.

I am in therapy. I've also thought about a peer support group but my own therapist has urged caution for many reasons, including some of those mentioned above. Basically, how the group is run and moderated is likely to be crucial.

I’m surviving. I have a husband and two adult children that I love. I have always worked.
Happiness is elusive though. Inside my head can be quite a low place but I put on a smile.

Thank you for sharing some of your pain. The self disgust you mention is so difficult and it's a common experience. The guilt and shame can be overwhelming. What these abusers do to children, and what we have to live with as adults, is terrible. It's ironic that we, the victims, often feel ashamed and disgusted at ourselves when we are innocent.