Bill paying on dates!

[everychildmatters]

Just saw a clip on MAFS on which one of the brides claims to be a "feminist" but expects her husband to pick up bills for eating out.
Eh?!!!! Pay your own way!!

I think this is a topic for the Telly board, not feminism. MAFS isn't exactly a feminist topic.

@PastaAllaNorma But my argument is that how can someone claim they're a feminist but yet be paid for?! Is this a widespread belief?

It’s not real, though. It’s a stupid constructed television programme.

@AutumnedCrow I agree wholeheartedly. Just disappointed women like this are giving "feminism" a bad name. She's definitely from the "feminism but only when it suits me" brigade!

Your argument is about what a contestant on Married At First Sight said.

I am not accepting anything said by a contestant on MAFS as indicative of anything to do with the general population not feminism.

You might as well as a Jeremy Kyle phone in guest about economic analysis of the internet age.

@PastaAllaNorma As long as no "feminist" in the real world agrees with her?!!!!

On our first proper date DH wanted to pay for me. I knew he was skint but it was clear he wanted me to know how important the evening and my company was to him. So I accepted happily. It was about feelings, not oppression.

DH would have laughed if you'd called him a feminist but he hadn't a misogynist bone in his body. This date business was about how important he felt about it. It never happened again.

@PrawnofthePatriarchy So what you are saying is, in essence, if a man "likes" you he should pay?

That's not what I said or what I meant. This first date was of great significance to both of us. DH knew how important this relationship was going to be to him. Me too. We were deep in love in no time. Together for 17 years until he died young.

MAFS is a load of contrived shit. As is the concept that women who are earning shouldn’t pay for what they consume.

@PrawnofthePatriarchy I am so sorry for your loss 💐
I had the complete opposite experience when dating - men who insisted on paying turned out not to be great. The man I ended up marrying was happy for me to pay my own way as he knew how much financial independence means to me (and still does).

@Arlanymor Agreed, and to add that women IMO should be earning.

It’s the same on First Dates, so many women who let the bloke pay, even when they don’t want to see him any more! At least if you know there’s date no2 you can say ‘I’ll get it next time’. I just cringe.

This has been discussed to death on here before and a lot of women still want the man to pay. Usually a lot of mention of the 'token purse grab' and comments like "I'd pay my half but he'd never see me again" etc.

One view seems to be that if a man shows himself to be stingy at the outset then he's more likely to be financially controlling. And for some others it's about being a gentleman rather than about the money.

I think it's one of those things that continues to exist in spite of equality. Like how everyone agrees that women are best being financially independent and yet many are more than happy to take an easy life and let the husband's salary cover them once the kids are at school.

@GaIadriel In my experience it's been the opposite; "generous" men who insist on paying for everything at the very start of a relationship are invalidating a woman's capability to look after herself and will potentially want be the "alpha".
Not for me.

Totally agree and well said. Plus when are we going to put this idea that 'paying' equals 'gentlemanly'. If we're talking courteous and honourable then it's nothing to do with if they pay for everything during a date. It's how they treat you, not how/when/if they 'treat' you.

@Arlanymor Agreed. My husband isn't wealthy by any means (he works in the care sector) but he is the most decent man I could ever wish for. We work as a team and he champions the fact that I am a (stubborn!) feminist.
It really impressed me on our first date that he was totally cool with me buying the first drink, providing he could buy the second one; it definitely set the tone for true equality in our relationship moving forward.

You're totally right about setting the tone - and that's true partnership isn't it? As you say, working as a team. I can hand on heart say I have never let a man pay for the whole date... it's always been halves. And although I've not been on one in a while, men have always been pleasantly surprised when I have insisted on paying my own way - never offended - I think the word 'refreshing' was used more than once. Chaps are not cash cows and you set out your stall from the beginning - that you're someone who wants a partnership, not a power play.

I meant more financially controlling than just controlling. The alpha type often wants to be 'the man' and pay for everything. I'm talking more about the type that keeps receipts and makes the wife pay for her own toothpaste etc. But really it's a load of bollocks. Some women just like being paid for.

Well, yes this is the logical approach. However, it's not IME necessarily the common one. Take one look at a dating website and you'll see the phrases 'gentleman', 'financially stable', 'knows what he wants' mentioned a lot.

I mean, speaking honestly not many women want to date somebody without manners or a waster/wet lettuce, but I've never seen man stating that his partner must be financially stable or 'successful'.

Since I last posted on this thread I've been thinking about why I let my future DH pay on our first date and I realised that it was because neither of us did dating. We were both old hippy types and going out to dinner wasn't something we ever did in the past.

The formality of being taken out to a restaurant was so new for both of us. Because of our unconventional lifestyles we weren't used to formal "dates" so when he wanted to take me out it was clear this was a big thing for him and, as it turned out, for both of us. There was no sense that he was expecting anything in return. It was just a new weird thing for both of us. It felt like a tribute

yeah grace is a complete nightmare my biggest concern is she is a midwife my word if you saw her coming to you you would run for the hills