"Decentring men" and how that might change the world

[SwordOfOmens]

I've been seeing videos and posts online about the idea that women should stop putting men's feelings and needs first and instead, putting your own and your children's need first.

So things like, not moving for his job. Not working yourself to the bone while he has his hobbies. Not changing your name upon marriage, or that of your children.

It means all the subconscious, societal and actual things that girls and women are expected to do all their lives, that seem to always put men first.

So do you centre men? Do you like putting men first? What would happen in your life if you stopped centring them? Have you already stopped centring men? How did that work out for you?

I'm interested to hear views!

I find myself asking what a man would do/say/think about something and try to make that decision as it will probably centre me. Sometimes it doesn’t work but I often brood and worry and this is my version of trying not to do that.

I stopped centering my ex a couple of years ago

Divorced we split over ten years ago but every Christmas and birthday i would mention to him about seeing the children he would tell me when he could and I would shuffle my day around him two years ago he moved away stopped seeing the children (he barely saw them anyway if im honest its got less and less over the years) it started in the January he forgot his youngest birthday our eldest blamed me i hadnt reminded him I should have told him I verbally slapped that behaviour down pointing out he was not my husband it was up to him to remember not me to remind i ruminate on this for months ds1 birthday comes up i say how would you feel if I didn't remind him to arrange to see you this year? He said fine he will remember he didn't contact me about seeing him and he showed up with a card at 3pm on a school day (which finishes at 3.15 and is out of town anyway none of this is news to him) so he missed seeing him Christmas gets closer now he usually contacted me before Christmas to arrange to take them to see the other side of the family for a couple of hours....he did not he again turned up while we were out so again ds2 birthday rolls around he hasn't seen his children for 12 months now surely he will drop me or the kids a text about seeing them? No he did not he was actually in the toy shop buying a gift card when we went in he saw us (i believe) bought the gift card walked out posted it text me saying "sorry I missed you again LOL" (kids didn't see him but I did and I checked the time stamp on the receipt we were definitely there at the same time) at this point its now been two years of "missed opportunities" to see his children im not being funny but he can text me to complain about the child support agency but not about seeing the kids?

No im not budging he can contact me he can contact the kids he chooses not too i ran around doing all the wife work for years after we split he let them down every time I stop its time he grew up

I don't think I do, though it may look like it to outsiders.
I moved countries for DHs job many years ago, but it was me that wanted to, he didn't.
He had a job offer but turned it down as he didn't want to make me move, but I told him to accept it as I wanted to.
I wouldn't be happy to be pressured to move if I didn't want to.

Really interesting idea!
I don't think I centre men as much as some but partly that might be because I'm at a level financially/societally that I don't have to. So I would never have had to move for a DP's work for example because it would have been highly unlikely that they'd have been earning more than me. I didn't change my name. DC double-barrelled surname. And I'm high enough up the 'social ladder' (I dont know how to express it without sounding like a dick!) that unless something goes very wrong, I have no need to rely on male-centric shit to be part of society. If that makes sense.
But, in my interactions with males, I have a real tendency to 'fawn' (in the sense of 'fight, flight or fawn' but in daily interactions rather than dangerous situations) which can let males get away with things where ideally they would be called out. And possibly that does lead to centring males in a way.

If I was getting married now instead of 30 years ago I wouldn't change my surname. Or should I say, I would fill the forms out to stop my name being automatically changed 🙄
If I had a different surname to my husband my kids would have mine, not his as in a lot of cases.
I did move, several times, for his job. But we ended back 'home' again after I told him how sad I was.

It’s the “We forgot about the children” (paraphrase) issue.

When it’s a 2 adult dynamic it’s a lot easier to take a hard line of equal labour.

When children appear it becomes neglect chicken.

I went for phased reduction after separation to try to minimise impact on the children but also slowly remove all facilitating for the ex. He could either step up or not but I was not going to invisibly fill all the gaps forever to make him appear to be “such a good Dad.”

I did not want my children to grow up thinking that a man was entitled to take credit while a woman’s role was invisible labour.