How do I help a traumatized friend and her kids

[Inquizitive]

My friend endured unspeakable abuse by her authoritarian parents. She then became one herself. The children show signs of severe abuse. One child shot his gun inside the house and now shoots animals "legally" with his father. Her husband grabs and touches me, sometimes painfully and has scared me. When he grabbed me so hard I ran and he chased me and grabbed me again in front of my friend. When the 10 year old massaged my shoulders without permission, I was shocked. The youngest will say science is fake. I don't want to unload all the garbage but I am so worried. I'm not young, healthy nor do I have a job. Whenever I have tried to help or warned of abuse, I've been ostracized and my pleading for the abuse to end ignored. The children have nowhere to go. Both sides of the family hit the dogs so I know the kids wouldn't be safe with them. I don't want to call the police or make a report. Is there any intermediate step? Such as talking to the children's teacher? I'm especially worried about one of them. He locked my cat in the bathroom with him and she has been permanently changed from that day. She is frightened of everything and everyone.

You are friends with someone you know is a child abuser?? You sound very enmeshed with them.
If you are in the UK, you could speak to the DSL ( usually the Head or SENDCO) or report directly to the police.
Are you worried about your own safety?

What's your relationship to them and why aren't you protecting yourself and your cat? How did the child get access to your cat? If it happened at your property, don't invite the family over.

You're accusing the mother of child abuse but haven't given any examples of what she's doing. Saying that science is fake or massaging shoulders isn't a sign of severe abuse. Some wouldn't consider taking your child hunting as severe abuse.

If you're not going to report to social services, then the safeguarding lead at the school is the way to go. In the meantime, don't invite the family to your home and keep away from their father. If you want to meet your friend, go to a cafe, park, bar, restaurant etc

Step away from them- you can't fix them.

Tell your concerns to the nspcc and the rspca but then just step away

You can't fix this and you need to protect yourself . Report your concerns to child protection in your area and raise it with the children's school, then have nothing to do with them.

Do you live with them and depend on them for financial support?

Social services if you suspect abuse

Animal abuse and child abuse yet you don’t want to report it, why?

Absolutely you knowing its going on and doing nothing but having sympathy for a child abuser means you are complicit in the abuse.

You make a suggestion of going to the children's school. I would do that if you don't think you can inform social services. Obviously if you go there make sure it's after school has finished. There are days during school holidays where staff are in. The other one is their GP surgery. Although you might not know which one they go to.

No but when I was losing my home during covid they offered me a place to stay as long as I needed but I declined.

You report them. That is the only thing you can and should do. You detail everything you have seen and heard and you report it to the police.

I've been using chatgpt to get an idea of how the laws work and more importantly how not to make the situation worse. Often times reports and intervention can worsen outcomes. Typically there has to be obvious signs, bruises, neglect but we all know most abusers rarely leave signs. The only signs are the symptoms, children acting out in some form. So I have thought to go to the children's school and ask if a social worker can speak to the kids. Chatgpt said that they are trained to spot abuse and pick up on the way children speak about things they can't yet articulate. When I tried speaking to her cousin, sister and mother, they ignored me which makes getting help more difficult.

After telling my friend to seek professional support and get help for her children as well as telling her that her husband harmed me, she told me to repent to God. I am closer to her sister who blocked her last year and when I told her about the abuse she ignored my texts. I am happy for her as she got away from the family and is thriving so I understand why she put everything behind her. I am aware that there was a report made to a therapist about 10 years ago but I don't know any details.

You are clearly in the US - you should include that - as UK help will not be available to you there.

At @Inquizitive even if social workers aren't perfect it still needs to be reported because it's important. Sometimes when children are asked they break down and say so, also your evidence/witness testimony will be proff and they may have proof on their bodies. Also emotional abuse is yes harder to prove bit still can be. Their school behaviour, friendships, any mental health issues can also indicate issues. You need to report to their schools DSL (ask to speak with them urgently) and SS.

That is my hope. More often than not the messenger is branded, the reports deflected and the abuse allowed to continue in plain sight but when that does happen, the abuse at home worsens significantly. My cousin was abused in childhood too. She said the abuse got worse after a teacher saw bruises but she ended up being the kindest person. But has since stopped messaging me. I think it brought back a lot of things that she put behind her. It puts me in a position where I have not support myself and there isn't a cushion for my friend. Typically, it is best in a situation with generational trauma to have the supports in place. Healing and restorative justice is very different from just protection or penalties. The latter which is more of a bandage than surgery. Right now all I can do is speak to the school. When children scream for help, its quiet and yet deafening. I've lost all of my relationships over this so while as an adult I can survive, there is no support for the family or the children. No relatives or friends who can take the kids for a time or go over and provide much needed love and care. And all of my friends friends and family have blocked her. The social reaction is very predictable. So I thought I did things in a way that might change the course of a predictable response but as anyone who has been abused or tried to help knows, what you do is not a factor, its the system. It reproduces the same outcome. I can only hope that someone cares.

I'm sorry, I don't care if you think it will be unhelpful but you don't know even if all those kids get is someone to talk to at school and therapy it's better than nothing. I get where you're coming from, I know and have experience with how useless SS and safeguarding can be and how it can worsen the situation but we can't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Please report to the school's DSL as soon as possible and even the non emergency police chat you can message it online.

When it comes to child abuse we need a surgical approach instead of a bandage and paracetamol. Societies reaction of fixating on the reporter and what they're doing wrong versus the child abuse is telling. If we are sloppy, the children get hurt. If we don't get the mother trauma help, the cycle continues. My friend is an adult so she will have to handle herself and the consequences of her behavior even if informed by her past abuse. All I can do is speak to the school once I have gotten information. We should protect children. I can handle the insults and isolation but the children can't and once the reporter is isolated and put in a weak position, the fight to help the children becomes so much more dangerous for them.

We're not having a conversation about new child abuse policy - if we were I'd agree. We're having a conversation about the here and now and the situation that you know kids are in where because of the threat of social workers not being helpful - you have decided not to report as a whole and close off any chance of them getting a good social worker and good support. Please call the no emergency SS line, or alert the DSL in September properly with a detailed report/statement on everything because at least then you tried. Also if they are young especially under 10 then they're much more likely to get therapy and more help. How old are the children?

Yes the mother has gone through abuse and that's sad she didn't get help to break the cycle but she should still have to gave consequences for her actions. You're sympathy for her doesn't mean you don't report her because you don't want her to fave consequences or get into trouble.

I dont want any potential reporter to be scared off from helping vulnerable children. Or people to rush into fear and hatred of the abuse, abuser and reporter so that we have lost focus on the children. The trauma towards children is the worst but when society scapegoats on the reporter, there is vicarious trauma too--lest people forget that I have now lost a close friend, her friends and family, my friends, and most painfully, my "nephews and nieces" whom I helped raised from birth. Her husband has been abusing me for some time to isolate my friend and now I am completely without the support I need to go through this process. I know abuse of children is traumatizing and peoples responses will be painful but I urge everyone to get support when seeing these threads and look at it from a holistic perspective with the children in mind.

I am looking at it with the children in mind, you are not, I've been one of those kids and actually a report from someone else has so much power as they remember details children do not because of the trauma. If you're worried about fallback, I understand that but tbh seeing the consequences in your life you've already detailed, I'm not sure what else they would do. If you need support report it to 101 the non emergency police line (you can just report the husbands behaviour to you and you can write it online as well as call). Also contact women's aid or go to your own GP so you can also get the support you need. This isn't the time to talk to about the overhaul needed to how child abuse is dealt with, we aren't talking about policy ideas, this is a right now right here situation and when all is said and done, the report to SS ASAP and the DSL is the best outcome for now - not perfect but the best.

Attacking the reporter is doing the abuser's dirty work. It serves the abusers agenda that anyone with a concern about their behavior will be turned against by using control to silence. This predictable cycle has to be made public so we become more self aware and avoid becoming an abusers best friend--through social control of those concerned about children. Distraction, division, punishment only fuels fear and prevents others from stepping up. Blame doesn't solve child abuse, hate fuels fear, fear continues the generation cycle of silence that allows abusers to either fear getting help or enable them to see themselves as justified.

Are you just asking chatpgt to rewrite the same paragraph in different ways? Are you reading the responses?

Honest opinion? If you do not report, you are complicit.

The lack of empathy does not help the situation. It will only discourage people from speaking out. If the reactiveness is this bad now, how much worse will it get once all is said and done? I feel for those in a similar situation who are debating what to do. If anyone is or has been in the same position, ignore the noise and don't let fear lead to inaction because the kids depend on someone being courageous. And I see you.

@Inquizitiveim really struggling to feel empathy for you. You strongly believe that children are being abused physically and emotionally and you are not acting to get them help.

You could make an anonymous call to Social Services or the police if you are afraid for yourself, you could easily buy a cheap SIM card or use a pay phone to avoid being traced back to your address and phone number.

It would be better to make a full report with your details, but if you fear the repurcussions then other options are available to you.