Help me to find the words to defend feminism.

[petitdonkey]

DS has a girlfriend, she is absolutely lovely and we all like her but she has very strident views on trans rights. For context she has some trans friends and a trans sister. I admire her beliefs on many things but she has made comments about boycotting JK Rowling etc and how trans rights are human rights and I have found it difficult to use my words to defend women’s rights without sounding like I am in some way trans phobic.

DS knows my views but I think is also in some way ‘silenced’ from expressing anything other than full support. For instance, a discussion about trans women in sport was very one sided.

I should caveat that I fully believe that trans women should be able to live in peace and safely, but that women should also be allowed to keep there spaces.

What would you say in response, for example, to comments about JK Rowling being a ‘disgusting human’? They are both in their early twenties.

I wouldn't, you'll just get the argument entrenched. She won't have a light bulb moment and you'll all fall out. Id just 'mmmhmmm' and change the subject. I might also gift her 'women who wouldn't wheest' for Xmas if she was still banging on about it in December, but with no comment!

How often is this coming up? I tend to say nothing and change the subject; just don't feed it.

What would you say in response, for example, to comments about JK Rowling being a ‘disgusting human’?

I would ask her why. See how that goes then ask what exactly she said that was so bad. And take it from there.

But I agree with @SecretFerret , it's a difficult battle, for want of a better word, to try and gain ground on without damaging relationships because their 'arguments' are not reasonable. They're not meant to be. They are meant to shut you up and have you comply.

I’ve told people about all the other good charity work JKR has done - saving female doctors in Afghanistan for example.

and ask careful questions. Ask what rights trans people need. Ask about sports. Listen rather than lecture

but also accept she may never agree and sometimes there is no need for an argument.

It sounds like he's told her that you have different views and that's why she's making a bee-line for wanging on and on about it.
I would personally not bother arguing and just quite assertively change the subject every time she brings it up (by which I mean change the subject and stick to it and if she tries to circle back bring it back to the new subject straight away). Maybe another "hot topic" that you've got common ground on? This doesn't sound like someone open to learning and understanding the other side yet. Have better conversations about it when she's older and more mature.

Thank you all- good advice. I have been just leaving it and steering the conversation away but felt I was in some way letting myself down. You are right though, she doesn’t want to hear a different view. I just hate the feeling that I’m, in some way, the ‘bigot’!

I would give her a copy of invisible women by Caroline criado Perez and not otherwise have the conversation with her unless she brings it up.

When this comes up with my friends, I ignore it.
Mind you, I obviously know which friends feel like me, which are give-and-take as I call the "sitting on a fence" ones, and which are thi, er, likely to disagree.

I would say something like "I have different views on that" and change the topic, because it feels like you are subtly being bullied into silence and to support your DS in being able to express his disagreement.

If she asks why and you feel up to it, you could tell her that many traumatised women and girls cannot share toilets with men, because they get panic attacks. Their brains have learned that this is necessary for their survival. These women have rights too. Human rights. Both, women/ girls and trans people are vulnerable. The only solution is to have third spaces for trans people, otherwise vulnerable women and girls get excluded.

I don't see why we should constantly worry about sounding transphobic, but they never seem to worry about being misogynist.

I’d tell her to get the hell out of my house and unless she was prepared to be polite, she’d have to meet my son elsewhere. It doesn’t matter what the topic is, no one will censor me in my own home.

Thats why we're here in the first place, no one wants to be called a bigot - well done people dont mind I guess.
The person who suggested mentioning JK' s charitable causes was on the right track. "There's always two sides to a subject" kind of approach. A lot of what kids hear and see is online and it's easy to hate someone on a screen.
Or you could say that you don't want political conversations in your house because you want to keep things light.

Or that women who've suffered physical or domestic abuse will have strong but valid opinions on the opposite sex.

I absolutely would ask her why she thinks J K Rowling is disgusting. That is a statement that needs explaining if she can. I wouldn't give her a free pass to mindlessly defame someone, especially JKR. It doesn't have to be an argument - you could simply ask her why she feels that way, and listen to her answer. It will tell you a lot about how well informed her views are, and you don't have to tell her yours if it would inflame the situation.

I think the sports topic is an easy argument to chip away at. I'd recommend Sharon Davie's book Fair Play. There are quite easy facts to remember like males punch around 150% harder and while that might reduce on hormones it doesn't go away. Also the physiology doesn't change with hormones. Males have a higher percentage of fast twitch muscle fibres and this results in higher speed and power.

Also lots of people bring up the fact that transwomen could compete in the Olympics for quite sometime, but they fail to point out that the criteria changed for Tokyo. Before then you needed to be castrated. Then it just changed to being on hormones for a year.

There's also the obvious observation that women who identify as trans aren't making elite teams, and that when people like Lia Thomas "transition" they jump up the rankings. Why would they do that if there was no advantage?

I agree with the other posters though that it might be something you don't go hard in on as you don't want to cause a fallout.

Ask what exactly JKR has said. Not what she thinks, has read or "eeeevery-one knows"