Surrogate grandchild

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DS and his wife are moving ahead with surrogacy, in a less developed country. I had a conversation about the moral/ethical challenges and sent a link to a documentary, urging them to make sure that some of the worst potential abuses are avoided. It's their decision and while I can't wholly support it I also can't let it become a barrier to our relationship and to my love and support for my future grandchild. I don't want to talk to anyone IRL about this as it is so contentious and personal. But I do need to talk about it somewhere. If you've been in this position, how did you manage it all? Any other thoughts or advice?

you made your opinion clear.
sadly that's all you can do at this point.
be there for the child, they are innocent.

I think you have done all you can too, I would feel the same as you and find this situation difficult. If they do go ahead though the baby will need a loving family around so you don’t want to risk alienating your DS and DIL

what a difficult situation OP.

I think you need to be careful about not alienating your DS and partner. Mentally compartmentalise the fact they're buying a poor woman's body and commissioning trauma on an infant and just project forwards with the anticipation and excitement about the new baby.

This innocent baby is already at a disadvantage due to the trauma of early separation that it will endure, so it deserves to be brought into a wider family who love and want it (even though of course you wish they hadn't gone ahead but you can't change that).

Whilst there's nowhere near enough support available, children who are adopted at least have their early traumas recognised: their school will be informed and they'll get priority placements for school admissions.

Surrogacy is couched in euphemism and denial (designed to make palatable something we understand as wrong for any other species ). This places children born to surrogate at a further disadvantage as it's probable that their early trauma will not be acknowledged by their caregivers or schools. The commissioning parents are likely to look for any other reason to blame for any future difficulties and society will go along with that as western medicine has a long tradition of blaming the individual ("brain chemistry" or "genetics") and ignoring the huge roles that trauma, socio-economic factors, and early environment play in future health.

You can at least be one adult in this child's life who acknowledges the trauma they experienced when they were most vulnerable and who holds that in mind as they grow up. It might just inform the quality of your interactions together and that could be quite an important thing for the child. I'd suggest researching this area online.

(I'm close to a kid adopted at birth and it has of course affected them in many subtle ways. The understanding they got from their teachers was utterly invaluable. All kids need someone fully in their corner).

Thanks for those responses. All helpful and appreciated.

Do you know their reasoning for uaing a surrogate? Especially one from a developing country?

I’d try to focus on the baby and what a wonderful time you’ll have with your grandchild. This isn’t the last decision they will make regarding their child that you will disagree with. Gently, you need to stay in your lane as the grandparent to this child.

It sounds like you've done perfect op.

The best way to be the voice of caution is from a position of support and optimism. They might not be willing to look at the ugly underbelly of the industry as they are so focussed on their goal.

I Agree that it isn't worth alienating then over this if they will do it regardless and therefore deprived the poor potential child of a loving adult in their life.