lost community over being a “terf”, how do i deal with this?

[hunkerdown909]

while i’ve never said or done anything against any trans person, i was involved in radical feminist circles (i read a lot of theory and retweeted some a few years ago). somehow someone connected an old-ish account (back in like 2022) to my current self and now i’ve been ghosted by my circle for being a terf. i can’t really defend myself, because i don’t want to: sex can’t be changed. i don’t hate trans people but i can’t ignore reality

on some level i feel relief. i was exhausted of having to keep up the act or otherwise walk on eggshells for fear they’d find out what i was. on another, there is a part of my that is anxiously imagining all the ways they’re picking me apart, and i do feel sadness that i won’t be able to engage in this hobby anymore (word spreads very fast).

has anyone gone thru this? im about 24 if it matters, so we’re all pretty “young”. thank you

They don’t sound very nice do they OP? Personally I’d see this as an early indication they are pretty shitty people and find a new hobby. You are young. You are allowed to have thoughts and then to change your mind on those thoughts if you see fit (or not to change your mind at all if you think you are right).

Sorry to hear that. Is it an online community or real life? I don't have experience of this but I hope someone can come along with some words of advice. I can't believe people are still getting cancelled for reality-based thoughts! As you are young you might be interested in Maeve Haligan's interview with Mr Menno. At the end she gives out her contact email and asks people to get in touch. That probably doesn't help you to follow your hobby but it might help you feel less alone.

has anyone gone thru this? im about 24 if it matters, so we’re all pretty “young”. thank you

yes I presumed this entire circle were very young

although I did think younger than 24 actually

it’s online. thank you for your comment

Online community?! Don’t give it another further thought op!

Well l'm pleased there's another twentysomething person on here with these views!
I'm 21 and I and my best friend have to tread carefully. But I find that once "friends" and "acquaintances" realise that we're not actually going to write treatises condemning trans people, then we're not actually unworthy - and lively debate can follow.

Glad you feel relief above all.

Do you have any real-life, non virtual, social opportunities or friends? Hope you can find your tribe!

IMO; Online community isn’t a big loss - they don’t really know you and probably aren’t real or long term friends. “Community” on digital platforms is a marketing term coined by Mark Zuckerberg. Online discussion forums, audiences, activism, trend and issue support yes - but it’s not your true community unless you know them IRL.

Why were your mates trawling through three year old posts trying to connect them to you? It only really makes sense if they already suspected and were trying to find proof. Either way, it's just people on the internet. Fuck em.

It can be lonely having radical feminist views especially as a younger woman. The vast majority of people our age have completely drunk the Koolaid when it comes to gender ideology. It's the complete inability to even have a discussion, you're instantly branded a transphobe and a TERF if you question the status quo. I'm a couple of years older than you and I've had similar situations myself. At some point you have to decide where the line is between remaining true to your beliefs and navigating friendships with people that have conflicting beliefs and unfortunately with certain topics and certain types of people there isn't a lot of space for understanding or middle ground.

I'm so sorry to hear that. The people preaching tolerance are the most intolerant people going. I'm glad you're relieved, your conscience is clear, but it sounds like the loss of the hobby might be more damaging than the loss of the 'friends'. Are there no options at all for continuing it?

Yup it's a lonely old time for Terfs at the moment, if I expressed my beliefs as strongly as I'd like to I'd have no friends either. Those of my friends who are Terfswould stay silent for fear of being "outed". I'm 63.
This is across the board. Young and old.
They want to silence us, thank God for mumsnet.

There’s more people with you, the vast vast vast majority of people are sane on this issue, as you are. The intolerance of that community will isolate them into a clique that reinforce each other, secure in their bubble. You’re better off without them.

Move this post onto the Sex & Gender board.😊 It's not a lonely time for Terven, we are very chatty and busy, lots to do!
Oh and it's easy to defend yourself; just tell the truth!

As a word from someone less young - do think about your online history and future employment.

If it’s been an issue for friends, it may be an issue for some future employers or colleagues and you may wish to think about priorities or house keeping on public comments.

I lost a lot of my real-life community this way at the age of 39. Including my then-partner, some close friends, and my political activist community. I was heavily involved in helping asylum seekers and refugees, and the attitude among that group was "Terf = fascist". Obviously not among the asylum seekers themselves but the activists.

"Coming out" as a terf was the hardest thing I ever did. But I'm so glad I did it. Through that process, I became an individual person. I showed myself that I was not willing to compromise myself in order to be accepted by a group. I've never looked back.

I hope you will say the same once the dust settles.

If you join WRN (it's free) there's a young women's group. Xxx

in my long term friendship group there’s women who are pro trans women in single sex spaces and women who aren’t for safeguarding single sex spaces (including me). Yes we have debated this, no we don’t pull people apart, yes we are accepting of differing views and remain friends. We have been friends for years and highly supportive of each other through illness, divorces, family mental health issues, bereavement.

personally I think you need to get more level headed friends, I can’t imagine ostracising a friend because they had a different opinion on something. Although it hurts, it’s natural to lose some friendships through life. See this as an opportunity to build more meaningful relationships