Then when you wake up and realise you have been taken for granted, you are told that its your fault and it's unreasonable to expect someone to change, instead of people acknowledging that we have been indoctrinated and in many cases conditioned by our own upbringing to not even realise we are accepting a life we don't actually want.
This articulates what I was trying to say. Like it's beyond my fault, its beyond DHs fault, it's a bigger thing.
For sure I can see that I've accepted and tolerated stuff that I would not want my own kids to tolerate. But it's never black and white is it? My DH has good bits and I love him.
...as we've tried to bring in more equality and changes in society, somehow, the outcome has been warped....It's like expectations for men have gone downhill, as expectations for women have gone up.
This too. I think the expectations women are allowed to have has changed, but hasn't evolved at the same pace that society (or men?) has.
It’s OK saying you could have left 20 years ago, often it takes women years to find their voice and confidence and this is the time it happens.
Yes this for me has been it. Not necessarily my voice or confidence but I think I'd been putting the "blame" on DH, without realising that I was just as much part of the problem. I was allowing it, enabling it even, and to an extent, putting up with it. I booked the "nice day out plans" for my own birthday because I knew he wouldn't. He didn't because he knew he didn't have to. I did more because he did less, and he did less because I did more. I compensated instead of challenging it. And I felt like that was the sacrifice I'd have to make, but now, 20 years in, I'm a point where I'm thinking fuck that, where as I didn't feel like that before.
...life can be very tough and stale and busy, and if someone handed me a cheap, quick opportunity on a plate to make my partner feel loved then I'd try and grab it, even if i didn't see the point in it myself
And this is why I cared that DH acknowledged his mum on MD. She's has a horribly tough time for various reasons over the past few years, and he can't even do an online flower order for her, or stick a card in the post, or do a moonpig. She says she doesn't mind but this is the least confrontational woman ever. She has put her needs at the bottom of the list for their family for years. She might not "mind" but I'm pretty sure she would've been happy and it might've cheered her up if he'd made more of an effort.
Why do you feel cross with your MIL for 'expecting nothing'?
For the reasons above. She deserves better. She deserves some acknowledgement. Because her saying "not to worry" gives DH a pass. He thinks "phew I got away with it" and he can park it and move on. She doesn't expect more because she knows. By lowering her expectations, she reinforces that she's not important. She expects less, he does less. He does less, so she expects less. Same shit.