When is it a red flag for a man to disrespect or to completely cut off his mum ?

[atmywitsend1989]

Thinking more about my exhusband and his behaviour. He never respected my MIL and ended up being abusive towards me in similar ways.
Now I see a lot of younger men in their 20s talking about going no contact with their mums. I'm not sure if this is a recent thing but it seems to be popular recently. If they're going to treat the most important woman in their lives (as children, before their wives.. of course the partner should be the priority after that, but it still doesn't make it okay for men to blatantly disrespect and use sexist thinking in terms of their mums) that poorly, who's to say that they won't act the same towards their partners?

I saw an article the other day about all these adults who go 'no contact' and I think it could be beneficial or necessary for people with fathers who were very abusive, but it seems like they're cutting contact for any little reason. This plus the accepted misogynistic language of teenage boys who also often disrespect their mums.. thankfully that language is now openly criticised with shows like adolescence and discussions around social media but no one is tackling how acceptable it is for adults, particularly men, to suddenly hate their mums and to feel justified in using derogatory language towards them. It seems like 'no contact ' is a permanent thing too and not just taking a small break from your loved ones.

On the flip side, I do think that 'mummy's boys' are an issue. My younger brother showed a lot of codependant behaviour in retrospect. He's never moved out although he solely pays the bills now instead. Our mum does all his cooking and laundry (normal in our culture but it really shouldn't be!) and I honestly feel for SIL who also lives there. I see both sides of the coin and both extremes seem equally as toxic

It also seems like many disrespect and verbally abuse their single mums while glorifying their abusive or absent fathers which really is terrible

Sure it's an issue if men are treating their mum's poorly, but you don't know the reason why?
I see a lot of posts on MN where women are talking about going NC with their toxic mothers, so these mums exist, and why shouldn't men go NC with them as much as women do?

I think it depends on the entire situation.

I would totally understand Rose Wests children going non contact.

@atmywitsend1989 if my sons were verbally or physically abusive to me they're feet wouldn't touch the ground. They would be straight out of the door, no second chance

It's not surprising l, given the general growth in misogyny. But I have to say it's not my experience, I have young adult sons and work with boys and young men and see a lot of love and respect for mums.

My DH cut his mum off because of the way she was towards me.

Current DP is very respectful of his mum and takes care to make sure he gives her appropriate amounts of time. I see that as very much a green flag, but she is lovely.

The majority of young men do seem to respect their mums thankfully as that's how it should be, there just seems to be a rising trend of men going ' no contact' that I've noticed

I agree, most definitely if they're adults by that point

My husband doesn't speak to his mother, it's her fault. She is one of those women who shouldn't of had children and lost interest after the cuteness wore of. It was suggested to my husband in marriage counselling that he hates women. The weird thing after we separated he made friend with a married women that's older, married, son uni age. She has a busines and taken on friends of her son without family support. Anyhows she is very much like his mum on her political view. What I've noticed is anything she asks she gets where as he is in conflict with me. And on my birthday eve he came in from a work do after a couple of drink and told me I was one of 'those' people.

I do think the rare few women who weren't meant to be mums exist but surely it can't be that common.. It's not always 100% certain that a man complaining about his mother hates all women but there's still a very high chance that he does and it's somewhat likely that he was the problem. There are men out there who complain when women hold them accountable including mothers

It seems more common that I would have thought judging by the number of mumsnetters (women) that are NC with their mums.
I'm not convinced more men complain or are NC with their mums than women do.

I do think men who have had a difficult relationship with their mothers, for whatever reason, often have misogynistic tendencies.

When you have a normal or good mum, it’s hard to understand why someone else has gone NC with their mum. I have noticed it as a trend here but people with good/normal mums often assume that people who have gone NC have overreacted and should take a small break from mum before talking it out. They don’t realise that you can’t just talk it out like you’re dealing with a normal rational person - there’s a lifetime of pain and incidents that have led to acceptance that your mum can not and will not acknowledge your pain, never mind change their behaviour or meet you in the middle
If men who go NC with mum misogynists then am I one for being NC with mine? I don’t think so.
I’m not saying that misogynists never go NC with their mums but I think that it could be easier for men to go NC because society and mums expect less effort and help with contact from sons compared to daughters.

When you have a normal or good mum, it’s hard to understand why someone else has gone NC with their mum. I have noticed it as a trend here but people with good/normal mums often assume that people who have gone NC have overreacted and should take a small break from mum before talking it out. They don’t realise that you can’t just talk it out like you’re dealing with a normal rational person - there’s a lifetime of pain and incidents that have led to acceptance that your mum can not and will not acknowledge your pain, never mind change their behaviour or meet you in the middle
If men who go NC with mum misogynists then am I one for being NC with mine? I don’t think so.
I’m not saying that misogynists never go NC with their mums but I think that it could be easier for men to go NC because society and mums expect less effort and help with contact from sons compared to daughters.

Exactly

So misogyny is often caused by bad mothers?

FWIW I agree. But that is a hot take on MN!

Speaking as a man who did go NC, let me provide two summaries:

Basic fact of the matter is - you can't choose your biological mother. To apply unreasonable societal pressure to endure a relationship with them that isn't mutually beneficial borders on a consent issue.

My feminist opinion - mother is a role that can be performed by any woman by means of working for the success of her children - howsoever these have been acquired. Many exceptional, proud and anonymous women succeed at this goal - that of working towards the success, regardless of what is achieved - despite huge challenges. A woman who works against that goal is not really acting as a mother.

I have in my life met and celebrated many amazing mothers, whatever their status, capability or situation. I celebrate what my mother was able to provide me as an infant and child, but it does not create a debt or lien over my life where I am bound to endure no matter what.

I am working now as a father on the self-sufficiency, emotional awareness and critical thinking of my own physically strong, intelligent - and already empathetic and socially minded! - boy, and it is bittersweet that I consider it for the better that his grandmother is not around as a female role model.

I hope this note from the male trenches is of use.

So all these mums are perfect saints who have never done any wrong?

@BlondiePortz
All the posters including the OP have been at pains to qualify their opinions by adding provisos about bad uncaring mothers. Read back through the posts and see that no one has used the words ‘saintly’ or ‘perfect’ about mothers. The OP’s point is that a recent trend for young men to cut off their mothers has been linked to misogyny. If a man shows a lack of respect for his mother, he is almost certainly going to show the same lack of respect for other women in his life.

So where did these men learn to be so disrespectful?