Is it time to leave this friendship behind?

[RaveToTheGrave1]

This is long so I apologise.

I used to have quite a close knit group of friends, we were all alternative and saw each other a lot. As we've gotten older we see each other less, I'm the only one who is married and has my own house, myself and my husband go to specific kinds of music festivals and nights out that the others wouldn't be interested in, we don't seem to be that alternative anymore whereas the others are.

One of them, a male, is a lovely, well spoken and sweet guy, seems to be a bit of a social floater but hasn't ever exactly fit in properly anywhere. He's gone whole hog into the queer lifestyle, more so than ever and the whole thing has gotten a bit weird.

He recently invited me to a queer art thing, and me having been around loads of gay nights and as a lover of art thought sure why not. I felt very odd about a lot of the performances, they seemed to be quite box ticky, someone's overweight, everyone seems to be disabled in many ways, someone's mtf, someone else is ftm, lots are trans etc etc...
My husband very loudly asked me why one of the performers had had a mastectomy if they were wearing women's lingerie again.
We didn't stay for the whole thing, as honestly it wasn't great and everything was a little weird, they did a song near to the end with the audience that was like a full on battle cry where the singer was going out and holding hands with people in the audience, all quite surreal. I felt like I had become privy to the worlds worst army if I'm honest.

The friend then invited me to an art event they do with a lot of the performers, I looked at photos of things they do and it all seemed very childish, gluing gems and things onto pink opera gloves, wearing crap wigs and tutus, I'm confused as heck what has happened to my friend and just what the aim of the whole thing is.

Also recently fell out with a friend that does drag, as we clashed on our views about if children should be allowed hormones, surgeries and all that jazz, I am firmly in camp HELL NO. I've been seemingly ostracised from any future drag events, but I'm not sure if drag is something I should have an issue with or not, as I know a lot of women doing like it.

I don't know if I'm a bigot, have I turned into some horrible person or something? When I was younger I was very bothered on behalf of others being around a lot of queer people as an alternative girl, but now I've gotten older the trans stuff is really not something I'm open to.

I'm a bit miffed that it was such a weird night with a friend I previously really liked, I don't know if it's time to move on or not, or just WHAT is going on with him any more.

Personally, I think most drag is misogynistic, amplifying, distorting, cheapening, and ridiculing aspects of femininity into a crude parody of women. I saw one advertised the other day with the name 'Titsa Skew', and that's pretty mild.
I'm sorry your friend has been taken in by this idiot cult.

I think you can still be friends with people whose interests you don't share but sometimes that does mean you drift apart. I'm currently studying for an art degree and can't be arsed at all with performance art. It is generally utterly tedious. You don't sound like a bigot or a horrible person. It's ok to think about things then come to a different conclusion than your friends.

I just can't see the difference between drag and The Black and White Minstrels, just as I can't see the difference between people identifying as the other sex and Rachel Dolezal, who identified as black.

I would probably be drifting away from that friend if he kept inviting me to events like that, but in any case I would definitely tell him that I didn't want to spend any time on that sort of performance art.

It was just very weird, I absolutely love art but I just didn't get it at all

It's always been something I've loved but now I'm a bit older a lot of it feels a bit pisstakey 😕

Sounds like you're going through a personal process here and none of us can tell you what you should or shouldn't like. I think you'll need to arrive at the answer yourself, but it sounds as though you're naturally beginning to distance yourself from things that make you feel uncomfortable, as is your right.

I have never liked drag but didn't know why until more recently. As a younger woman I sometimes feared maybe I was a homophobe for not liking it.

But I know I'm not homophobic really. One of my children is gay and I also work with a lot of gay people. I have zero issues with it- I'm happy that we live in a time when people can love the person they love and not have to hide it.

But drag makes me feel insulted and angry. I get it's an 'important part of gay culture' as some like to say. Ok, whatever. I just stay away from it.

That's what was worrying me, did going off it mean I was a homophobe? But I've always had gay friends, always been to gay nights, but then I noticed it didn't seem like they were super enthused with drag either!

@RaveToTheGrave1 Exactly- there are plenty of gay people who don't like drag- so not liking it or seeing it as insulting doesn't make us homophobic. It is a small part of gay culture for some gay people but by no means all.

I think there was a time when it was an important part of gay sub-culture, but the men performing drag knew they were men; over time the line between drag and 'trans' has become blurred, and I think that makes some gay men uncomfortable. That and the fact that it is inherently misogynistic, with very few drag acts managing to avoid that aspect.