Husband mocked feminist children's book

[peribaddreams]

I'm trying my best to raise both my young children in a household where women are equal to men in all ways. This is just as important to me for our toddler son as it is for our 4 year old daughter.

I was reading to both children tonight, (with my husband in the room) and selected a book about empowering girls; it's really good with a refrain for girls to shout aloud about how amazing they are, fantastic, strong and brave. It celebrates girls and women making a difference, doing all forms of job.

At the end he said, 'I hope there's a book like that for boys?'
I replied 'boys don't really need it'.
He said 'he will soon if that's what girls are being read.'

I feel so disappointed. I have a cold, hard lump in my stomach. I feel like I'm trying my best to raise feminist children and he's unravelling my efforts.

He doesn't really believe in the gender pay gap, either.

Now what? I want to have a really frank discussion about how his attitude is going to hold his daughter back. I also noticed she was reluctant to shout out the empowering refrain today, when she isn't usually. And that's it's because he was there.

I'm on your side op. I've only got boys but I want to bring them up with the right values.
I absolutely shot dp down in flames when he told one of ours to "stop being a girl". He thought I was being over dramatic but it's these little things over time that influence society.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach thanks for replying. I've had the same reaction about a comment he made to our son 'throwing like a girl' when feeding the ducks. I said loudly in front of friends 'an excellent throw, then! A really, great, strong throw'.

But I'm exhausted. All these little things adding up, as you say.

You only have to read the shit that women put up with on relationships threads that this continual putting down of women and girls and treating them as "lesser than" unfortunately leads to lots of internalised misogyny and people pleasing tendencies.
I would have a calm conversation with partner and ask why he thinks its an insult to "throw like a girl". Surely a female shot putter is a better thrower than the average man for example?
It's hard changing these ingrained mindsets. Part of me thinks over the years I've given dp food for thought over these issues & hopefully it's sunk in. Tbf he's never used the "girl" insult again.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach those are good points. I'll be saving these, thank you.

Show your husband this. Take your daughter outside and show her how to roar.

If this was "Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girls" there actually is a boy version.
I don't see why you can't read both to your children.
(although your husband saying things like "throws like a girl" as an insult to your son is just horrible)

Feminist messages are really important, and your dh is obviously wrong about the gender pay gap and his comment about throwing like a girl.

However I do think it's important for boys to have good role models and positive reinforcement as well, so maybe you could select books to reflect that too?

I'd be hesitant about introducing this stuff too early. If a little girl (or boy) hasn't yet started to suspect society might treat girls as inferior, then the message they get from this kind of book might not be quite the one that was intended.

I think children's books celebrating the wonderfulness of little boys are important too.....but I expect that's not what he meant.

Boys need good role models too. There is feminism for girls, but for boys? Toxic masculinity is filling a gap. I htink boys need to be reassured that they can talk about theif feelings, express them and cry.

Why does your husband feel so threatened by feminism? If he truly thinks he is superior, why the need for put downs?

At first I sort of agreed with your husband. There's an immense amount of empowering content for young girls and much less so for young boys these days.

There's a bit of talk that raising our sons to feel inferior is contributing to the toxic "Andrew Tate" style masculinity. I think personally that any content that makes gender the basis for pride (in either direction) in children makes me uncomfortable.

Then I got to the bit about "throw like a girl" and realised your husband is just a straightforward old school misogynist. Horrible.

Such a good point about toxic masculinity and some good suggestions about books for him too, thank you.
I'm a secondary school teacher and experience exactly that style of misogyny from teenage boys on a daily basis.

I suppose I was just focussed on that particular moment with the girl book. I have no idea why he is so threatened by it.

And those type of comments passed off as a joke. Which almost makes it worse.

Hadn't thought of it that way @Yazzi , a really good point.

Once upon a time, my husband was a "Not All Men" advocate. Over time he's watched me raise a feminist daughter. He's listened to the experiences of women, the statements of politicians, and he's seen the innate misogyny of patriarchy.

I'm careful to express why he's a better man than most in terms of pulling his weight, making space for women at all levels at work, encouraging our daughter to reach for the skies.

I hope your husband gets over his knee jerk reaction and begins to understand why your son and your daughter both need the type of feminism that breaks the boxes the sexes were stuck in.

Boys need good strong role positive role models too.
However... does your husband not realise that should be him? His whole "he'll need it" worrying about his son's self esteem is stupid - a father who loves his son, spends time with him, does "manly" and less manly activities with him is what makes the difference, not a book about boys being great. Thats true for girls as well of course, the most important thing is having both parents in their corner. But because most of the older books are still more likely to centre boy characters over girls or have more active boys in them than girls, it helps to balance them out**. It would be different if you were telling your son boys are stupid/violent etc. But you are not. You can still read the books with male protagonists as well of course. Or shock horror your husband could instead of moaning.

The faux-concern/acting like he has no agency in his son's self esteem would really annoy me. It makes it clear he is more offended/threatened for himself.

**I know there are actually loads of books which self-consciously make girls the hero and have been for a while. But older boys are much less likely to select them to read than girls are to select books about boys so there is a natural bias. TBH when boys are older getting them to read anything is the main priority. But when they are toddler's being read to thats not an issue so why not read books about girls.

Actually, thinking about it, boys that receive lots of positive reinforcement from their mothers alone tend to be referred to as "mummy's boys" etc. It is really important obviously to give positive reinforcement as a mum still. But in my experience my son seems to take it less seriously "of course you think that, you are my mum" kind of thing. Whereas positive reinforcement from his father or other people tends to puff him up more. So, yeah... if your husband is worried about your son's self esteem maybe he should reinforce that himself (and not compare him negatively to girls as an insult).

The best thing you can do to raise a girl who knows her worth is to give her parents who will endorse and affirm that. Books will only go so far.

He sounds like a dud - I can’t believe you’re dealing with misogyny in school and then coming home and having to deal with it there too. Does he know what you put up with? And where those attitudes come from? I’d go nuclear about this - it’s never too early for children to be picking up on negative vibes and his toxic man-child sniping is not ok.

That made me feel all the emotions! Rage at the mocking "run like a girl" - especially as a sprinter who has beaten boys in races when young and outran grown men!
Then when all the young girls gave it such confidence brought a tear to my eye (i am pregnant)
Id never seen this before. It deserves more shares.

I agree with your DH. Stop making girls feel they are underdogs who need to be empowered. It's nonsense.

@peribaddreams At the end he said, 'I hope there's a book like that for boys?'
I replied 'boys don't really need it'.
He said 'he will soon if that's what girls are being read.'
I feel so disappointed. I have a cold, hard lump in my stomach. I feel like I'm trying my best to raise feminist children and he's unravelling my efforts.

Well it's no secret that girls have outperformed boys in school for decades now. This success is now starting to filter through into the workplace, as we see younger women outperforming young men. As those women continue to grow older, we will see women with higher median earnings than men in a few decades from now.

Women have a number of qualities which employers prefer in the modern UK economy which largely consists of manipulating digital realms in office spaces, rather than actually building and manufacturing things.

So your husband overheard your book about super women, and he simply asked if there is a similar book for boys. I'm not sure why you are taking issue with that, or why you think that's "unravelling" your efforts. Are your efforts about building girls up, or pushing boys down? If you don't want to push boys down, then why would you take issue with a book that helps boys to build confidence? And given that young women are massively outperforming young men, where on earth did you get the idea from that your son doesn't need more confidence?

It is somewhat concerning that you think any effort to help boys constitutes a form of misogyny or sexism against women. And the fact that you think that boys don't need a boost to their confidence would suggest that you are completely out of touch with the real lived experiences of men.

Do you live in some kind of fantasy land and can I join you? I hope the weather's good, it's been raining here on earth.

Thats horrible. Does he not recognise the FACT that girls and women are underrepresented precisely because they're not speaking up and taking part in events? Any media which supports our involvement in the world should be applauded.

Hopefully your daughter was able to recognise, at first hand, just what she is fighting against.