Is this sexual abuse and should I take it further?

[LazyStupidandGodless]

I could really do with some advice; I really feel that men need to called out on their abusive behaviour, otherwise nothing will ever change if we are silent.

An actor with a sizeable young, female fan base was plying women in his hometown with alcohol and drugs in order to have unprotected sex with them. He also suffers from erectile dysfunction and I worry that he may abuse his young female fans to get sexual validation. His ex-partner of 4 years has reported him to the police because he displayed threatening behaviour. I was one of the women that got caught up with him and in the brief time that we were seeing each other, he had a severe addiction to coccaine and joked about giving me 'two black eyes' and killing me for 'fun'. When I brought this up with him, he threatened to share the private messages I'd sent him.

When it was clear that he was still being promiscuous, I tried to end things with him but I was a little addicted to the drugs by then and I also felt sorry for someone who was ruining his life with his drug abuse. Being in therapy to treat his depression was also not preventing him from taking drugs to distract himself.

I have reported him anonymously to the police but I don't know if they'll do anything and I feel like I should warn his employers about his abusive tendencies especially as he could prey on the young women who seem to worship him. I would want to protect my daughter from creeps like him and when I tried to talk it over with him, he displayed no remorse or accountability and flippantly said that he 'needed to do it' (i.e go through his party phase).

Even having that conversation with him was misconstrued as an attempt to gain attention.

I would have a chat with him to try to resolve this but I think he'll just see this as me not wanting to let this go or trying to get him back. I do not want a relationship with him and the even the thought of seeing him makes me nauseous.

Of course I want to move on and stop wasting any more energy or time on him but I have a niggling suspicion that it'll just be letting him off the hook and he'll continue to think that his behaviour is acceptable or that the world should excuse his actions cos he was going through a bad patch.

I know that reporting him to his employers could have serious repercussions on his career - I know from personal experience that struggling with a drug addiction is all-consuming and difficult so I can emphatise and I do think people deserve a second chance.

I really don't want to be a victim either but how do I know that I'm not gas-lighting myself. I know that I need to take some ownership over the mess that transpired but surely the shame should lie with him?

Is he still influential? That would make a difference to me tbh

As for whether it was abuse? Depends on many factors- how drunk were the women? Enough to consent? How influential was he? Was it an abuse of power? Did they know he didn’t want to use condoms or was he misleading? It sounds generally abusing in the threats etc but not necessarily sexually abusive. Toxic for sure but could have been two-way in a codependent kind of manner if the females in the situation were gaining drugs/ a reputation or contacts or some kid of high life as a result.

He is and no, I did not know that he would refuse to use protection. He doesn't have the power to launch people's careers so I think most of the women may have just got involved for the drugs.
I've looked up the whole issue of consent and that's tricky to establish when drugs and alcohol are involved.

You could advise his employer of your concerns. Explain why you feel the need to be anonymous, and say you're not trying to ruin his career (although if he continues on his current trajectory he may end up doing that himself), but perhaps some intervention is required? Of course he may deny everything. However, you'll know you did what you could, so maybe you'll be able to put it behind you and get on with living.

I've looked up the whole issue of consent and that's tricky to establish when drugs and alcohol are involved.

No, actually, it's not. If either party is intoxicated or unable to give on-going consent then they are judged not to be able to consent. So, someone high, drunk, asleep or their judgement is impaired can't consent to sex. It really is that simple.

Now technically, if both parties judgement is impaired then legally both have committed sexual abuse of the other. Both sides have a responsibility to the other.

I finally spoke to the friend who introduced me to this man about what happened and she was really alarmed by the matter. She said that I still sounded traumatised by things perhaps because speaking about it brought up a lot of painful emotions.

Given that I was drunk and on drugs the first time I slept with him, I wasn't in a condition to be able to give my consent. I had also told him 'you're sleeping on the sofa by the way' (i,e, I'm not sleeping with you) when he was at mine to which he said 'Am I fuck'.

His refusal to use protection when I asked him to is also a pretty grey area at the moment but verges on abuse and definitely lack of care, endangering my sexual health when he was being promiscuous.

I called the new '24/7 Rape & Sexual Abuse line' and was given some brilliant information after a 30-minute wait - I think it's really worth spreading the word about this service.

The counsellor on the line checked-in about how I was feeling and reminded me to look after myself.

She mentioned ISVA (stands for 'Independent Sexual Violence Advocacy') which supports and advises women who are thinking of reporting the matter to the police. There are some brilliant resources out there particularly 'From Report to Court' which will help anyone make an informed decision. https://survivorsnetwork.org.uk/resources/

She did gently warn me that nothing may come of it and that he may not be charged but that speaking up and standing up for myself would help me heal.

p.s. if a friend has been assaulted and is too scared or ashamed to report the matter, you can give a 3rd party report to the police.

That’s really helpful, thank you.

Whatever happens with regard to reporting, continue to explore support for you. It’s a lot to process.