TW: Loss in the early 1990s and women’s lives back then

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My mother died in middle age in the early 1990s. Recently, I’ve been looking back on all the expectations that women faced in her generation. I’ve also been remembering the expectations that I faced as a young woman and how things have changed.

My mother was young before the equal opportunities act came in.

When I was young, a young woman was taking a risk if she tried to go to work in an office without wearing makeup.

I’ve noticed I’m feeling annoyed about how much expectations of femininity and womanhood have affected us. Women in the family have reacted in different ways. Some are virtually trad wives. Others reject gender. I try not to think about it all as have felt judged by relatives for not marrying, not having kids, not wearing makeup, not hitting traditional goals.

I guess because she’s long gone, she’s forever stuck in amber, unable to take advantage of new freedoms that have come in.

I’m not sure why I’m posting really. I feel a bit angry about how much pressure there has been on women and wondered if others have had similar thoughts and turned them around into something positive. (I know the pressure is still there, but because I’m middle aged and haven’t had kids I’ve aged out of some of it and my mother never did.)

One positive thing is that things have improved since your DM was young.

I think gender expectations are there both for woman and men. Historically, more so for woman but both genders have been affected, perhaps less so now.

The chemical urge (I presume its some form of instinctive force that wants to take over us) to settle down, procreate and bring up families can be and is a great gift but also comes at a cost. I've often wondered what I might have done instead. It's not just woman, men too. Many have confided that whilst they wouldn't exchange their lives, they too have wondered what might have been.

For the same reason why woman do jobs that don't fulfil them, "well it's flexible, it fits around the kids and holidays", it's the same with men. Why do you do jobs you clearly hate "well, you know, it's secure, it pays well and we need the money".

I admire my aunt, now gone. My aunt was a great woman, born between the wars, she rejected all conventions, never married, had a series of wonderful jobs, travelled, embraced her interests, circulated amongst a huge circle of friends she met through clubs, sports, interests, travel, retreats, communities.

You say you are ageing out of some of the expectations placed on woman. OK, you haven't had children. You are "ONLY" middle aged. You have the opportunity and freedom to live 2 or 3 lives worth of experiences that many of us might have. There is no expectation on how you should live your life, you don't have to live your life as a proxy for others. All the expectations about money and life goals, it's all made up, none of it is real, when you die it's all gone. Do it, don't let it slip by, seize it.

Thank you both 🐈‍⬛ I feel better now. Thank you for sharing about your aunt @Copernicus321

I'm not sure I have anything helpful to add, but I found it poignant how you say she is stuck in amber and unable to benefit from improvements to how things were back then. I can see why you would feel some anger about that.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My mother was born in a south London slum in the 1920s. After minimal education she left school at 12 and went to work in a shop. It was deeply indoctrinated into girls like her that employment was strictly temporary as they would give up working when they married. Therefore there was no point in taking ones occupation seriously or trying to get promoted etc.

She was taught that to compete against her peers to get an eligible bachelor to want her, she had to be trim, totter on high heels, be sweet, petite, softly spoken, kind, passive, feminine, never argumentative, challenging or contrary. A young woman could not just be herself but had to control herself at all times and make sure she was pleasing to men and didn't do or say anything to put them off.

And they knew that once married they would stop earning any money of their own and be dependent on the man for the rest of their lives. They also knew that they would be pregnant multiple times.

A life laid out, planned for you, whether you like it or not. There was just no other choice for them.

My gran was born about 20 years before your mother. Apparently when she married they didn't have a honeymoon and on the Monday morning she made grandad breakfast. Shed already given up her job. Granddad told her that morning that she could have anything she wanted she just had to ask. That night be got home and she told him she could have anything she wanted without asking as she'd got her job back.

She was feisty and confident and earned her own money all of her life.

Love this whole comment so much