Victim Blaming

[Beautyturnedbeast]

I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive so I thought I'd get some perspective.
I've recently left an abusive relationship. We were together 14 years in total. The first 10 years were normal. Normal disagreements, no physical violence. He was always very supportive, encouraged my career, never minded who I was out with, I had lots of male friends, both very trusting, turned me from quite a not confident person to much more confident about myself. Fast forward 9 years and he seemed to be struggling with depression. He'd gone back to university and failed. There were a few issues with gambling. He got a new job and things seemed to get better. Then I got pregnant and everything changed. The physical abuse started when my first was about 3 months. Things just got worse from there. We had another child since. The abuse lasted almost 3 years before I left.

My issue is that I am constantly being told I must have missed red flags, or that I'll probably look back and realise he was always controlling/aggressive, etc. But I don't. I feel like I'm basically being told I was too stupid to see it. Rather than my point of view that once his mental health deteriorated he became abusive. I've been encouraged by Women's Aid to attended the Journey to Freedom Programme to make sure I can see the red flags in future relationships. I'm not sure if I'm right to be annoyed by all this. Rather than focusing on the fact that hechanged and became this monster, I feel like I'm being made feel like it's my fault for not noticing the signs earlier.
The same when people keep talking about me being "trauma bonded". But I don't feel our relationship was formed on trauma. The trauma didn't start until nearly 11 years into the relationship. When he was abusive, he rarely took any responsibility or accepted he did anything wrong, so there wasn't the cycle of love bombing and then abuse.

Am I being over sensitive?

I totally get where you're coming from.

It's definitely not about you, but about statistics and behavioral patterns that they see on a daily basis. A lot of women say oh he never abused me before precisely because they don't know what abuse is for whatever reason. It sounds as if you are pretty clued up by the examples you've give in your op.

I would say that doing the freedom program is never a waste of time, and even if it doesn't help you with anything from your past, like they say it may help avoid something in your future. So really you have nothing to lose by doing it. You could think of it as a sociology class.

Thanks for the reply. I'm definitely going to still do it, nothing to lose I guess.
I bought Pat Craven's books Living with the Dominator and Freedom's Flowers. The second was a hard read, but I think that's because I have a lot of guilt about some of the stuff my son witnessed and I can see it affecting him. The first book, I wasn't so sure about. After the first read I actually convinced myself I was being dramatic as my situation wasn't as bad as what was being described in the book. He's since be charged with 15 separate offenses so I'm maybe not being dramatic but it definitely made me feel a bit unsure at the time.

I'm sorry to hear you experienced that OP and I'm glad you're safe.

The reason you're getting that reaction is because it's extremely rare for a perpetrator to abuse in a vacuum. The survivor is typically groomed to accept behaviour that maintains the power and control of the abuser.

They do sometimes wear a mask and the mask slips when their victim is dependent on them such as pregnancy. Abuse tends to be controlled, it's calculated, just enough to keep you in line and not enough for you to leave.

If something changes in the relationship, for example you get a new job and become more independent, the abuse can escalate. It will almost certainly escalate if you threaten to leave.

It tends to be quite predictable so professionals are saying that there were probably clues to his character long before he became physical. That doesn't mean you're to blame for his behaviour but it does mean you may be vulnerable to getting into another abusive relationship.

I highly doubt anyone is blaming you. Many people who work in the field have experienced domestic abuse and they're certainly not pointing the finger at you. It can happen to absolutely anyone.

Some men get off on breaking down strong independent women. They wear a mask, otherwise you wouldn't go anywhere near them. It's very common for a man to charm the birds from the trees and abuse behind closed doors.

I hear you OP. Looking back his red flags were laziness with chores and being a bit selfish but after our first child was born was when he slowly became cruel, belittling and undermining. However I refused to believe he could suddenly turn like that so I struggled on, after all it was only once every few months so I/life must have done something to trigger it. In the end he withheld food and money and I became so ill I was truly trapped, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. He still doesn't believe he was a bad guy and that non of it was his fault.

To blame me for missing the signs is ridiculous. Since when does laziness in the beginning mean he will not allow me food twenty years later?

I won't be doing the freedom programme etc as I have absolutely no desire to allow a man into my life ever again. Reading Lundy Bancroft was enough.

I don't think when people say these things it is about you. It is truly terrifying to think someone could be in a healthy relationship for 10 years then become abusive. If that could happen to you it could happen to anyone, and no one wants to face that fact. Far easier to think you missed the signs that were there all along, so it couldn't happen to whoever is commenting. It doesn't make it right, but I can see why people look at it that way.

But surely 10 years is a long time to wear a mask?
I always earned significantly more than him, we shared chores, in actual fact he probably did more because I would bring work home and he didn't. We've gone through death of a parent, moving countries, buying houses. We both supported each others decisions. For example, I wanted to move elsewhere for a job for a year and he was happy to stay behind until the house sold. He actually was happy were we were living but knew I wanted to be closer to family so agreed to move.
It's definitely difficult when people dismiss my opinion that I probably just didn't notice the abuse.

I'm glad to hear someone else say this. People might not mean to be blaming me but they basically are saying that I was able to fall for his "mask" for 10 years. Makes me feel pretty stupid.

An interesting way to look at it and I'd say you're likely right.
I do think he really struggled with his MH when he failed university. Then quite soon after I got pregnant. I had postnatal anxiety and I think he felt he was a shit dad. His own dad was very ill through his childhood so he never really had a father figure. It started as not getting out of bed for days at a time and then escalated to where it went.

I don't consider people who miss red flags are stupid. Some red flags can be very subtle. Also people haven't always been aware of what constitutes a red flag.

From what you've written it's hard to tell whether there were any. Might be interesting to see if friends/family spotted any signs. Either way the shame lies with the abuser not the abused person.

I'm not getting into a debate about what you have and haven't experienced.

Red flags would include:

Disrespectful behaviour
Sexism and firm ideas about women and women's roles
Jealousy
Intimidating behaviour and disapproval
Flashes of temper
Jokes at your expense
Sexual behaviour either withdrawing or pestering, selfish and coercive, sulking etc
Selfishness, his needs come first
Being particular about things
Silent treatment
Punishing you for infractions
Criticising family and friends
Financial control/spendthrift
Addictions
Cheating
Inability to compromise
Tantrums
Extreme neediness

All abusers have one thing in common and that's misogyny. And before you say he started a local feminist group, some of the worst abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing.

People do change. Maybe he was a good partner for 10y and then something changed. Doesn't mean that you are responsible for that change. Even if you were the one who changed (not saying you did), and he no longer loved or respected you, that doesn't justify him mistreating you. The fact that he began to abuse you after your dc was born does suggest that this change in your relationship was something that affected him. May explain his behaviour, doesn't excuse it.

I don't see people asking these questions as victim-blaming, but as them trying to understand the development of your situation, and probably as concern for you not to go through such a thing again.

People saying you could have noticed the red flags and left sooner - well I think to myself, if my dh hit me, for example, would I immediately pack up the dc and leave? Or would I think about our years together and our investment in each other, and whether this is something that can be fixed, that is worth fixing? It's not that straightforward. Especially not when you have years of what you feel is a solid foundation.

Which also brings up the question - how solid was your foundation? Again, this is not in any way a judgement or victim-blaming. If he was wearing a mask for so long, and deceiving or gaslighting you for so long, it is not in any way a reflection on you. It does not mean you were stupid or naive - just that he was a bloody good actor.

You are still at the beginning of your recovery. The Freedom Program is not an admission of victimhood, but an experience to use as you see fit. It is one more tool in your toolbox for the future. You might find that it affirms what you always understand about your relationship, or you might find that it changes your mind. You might find it useful for future relationships, or you might find it a waste of time. Like kick-boxing, or CBT, or nesting with your dc. You won't know until you try it.

I'm the child who grew up in the house with DV. I left the situation in my late teens. I'm now in my 40's and still unpicking it - there are some experiences/behaviours that I'm only now beginning to understand as being part of the cycle of abuse. Please do the freedom programme, OP. It's not victim blaming. It's about giving you the best possible armour going forward in your life because it is very easy to slip into a similar relationship because there's comfort in the familiar. I've been NC with my father for decades but my relationship with my mother is very difficult for me, because of the things I saw/experienced and her failure to remove me from that situation.

Is it really that you believe there was nothing and he suddenly changed, or are you afraid that the programme will show that there were red flags early on and you missed them? (because sometimes they aren't obvious until you know what they are).

People do change, though - just as well, because otherwise there would be no hope of improving oneself, or looking for better behaviour or attitudes in other people. In your case, OP, it seems that his failure at University triggered some sort of deep malaise, which resulted in a catastrophic decline in his behaviour towards you. Maybe his failure made him resent your apparent success, and the new challenges of parenthood tipped him over the edge.

But whatever it was, it really wasn’t your fault. In the end, we all bear responsibility for our actions.

Generally speaking women in an abusive relationship can look back and see they missed a lot of small signs of coming bad behaviour, but it's not a cast iron it's always that way, it's just more usual. It sounds as if your EX was fine until the Uni failure, something in that failure harked back to earlier experiences and changed him, maybe the baby and your natural focusing on the baby on top of Uni made him feel unwanted and kicked off the abuse.
Either way Op, no one is saying it's your fault, we all have our flaws but your Exs were well hidden. The important thing is for you to see the signs of abuse coming on so you don't suffer again. I wish you lots of luck in getting your life back on track

It looks like mental ill health was the catalyst for the OPs husband, if all was well for 10 years, just the usual ups and downs. I don't think anyone would 'victim blame' in that circumstance. Mental health problems can strike anyone at any point. Men's mental health is much neglected until it's a problem. Some men then strike out.

The 'victim blame' is usually in the cases where the red flags were flying everyone else could see it.
The woman who gets with a guy who has long standing mental health problems, a criminal record, and she thinks she can 'save' him, or is all she can get. The guy who is a twat in every way but she still decides to have kids with him. A lot of women, even in this day and age, seem to have very low bars of expectations of behaviour but act surprised when he fulfils the role.

I think the cold, calculated abuser who manipulates the victim and goes by the 'script' is much rarer.

Two things jump out for me-
he was ok while he was the most important person in your life. He stopped being ok when he had to compete with a defenceless, entirely dependent baby.
Secondly, you said the book made you feel you were being dramatic, yet he was charged with 15 offences. He was very bad to be charged.

On the Freedom programme, it's good to have the knowledge. It doesn't mean you missed anything or that you were somehow to blame.

On the insistence that there must've been something, anything... it's a two sided issue. Based on statistics/research/data that can be true for the most cases. Vital word there, most. There will always be outliers and exceptions to the rule.

Things like poor mental health, accidents, brain tumours etc. all can cause personality switches /changes. However, admitting that anyone could turn on a dime and nothing is guaranteed is a fucking terrifying thought and a hard pill to swallow, despite knowing it happens. If it can happen to you, it can happen to anyone, it can happen to them. So it's just easier to insist there must've been something/anything that you missed and they wouldn't so they're safe.

It's a similar argument /victim blaming as what she wore, what she drank, where she was, how friendly she was, what she said ,what she did, what time of day etc in cases of rape. I'd never do that, so I'm safe. I know it feels personal, but it honestly isn't. It's actually about them , rather than you. Which is of course, still shitty.

OP... I'm so sorry for what you have gone through.

I've had personal experience of abuse, and I've seen it practiced on other people.

It makes me terrified to be in a relationship.
I am in a relationship and have been so for well over twenty years.

I can't do anything other than hope things continue to be as they are.

BUT

Always in the back of my mind, I have doubts and insecurities that he doesn't deserve to have me worry over.

He (present time) doesn't show any "red flags" that I recognise anyway...
... how the fuck am I meant to absolutely know though?

When I read peoples experiences on Mumsnet, when I see friends and relatives, when I've unfortunately tasted abuse myself, I still don't know how to protect myself completely.

I guess I could put a "wall" up that would allow no one to penetrate.
However, as well as stopping any potential pain from a partner, I'd also be preventing any possible joy.
That impenetrable wall is just that.
Bad can't get in
Good can't get in.

So is the answer to not ever subjecting yourself to the chance of abuse,
OR
does one have to almost take a leap of faith and hope for the best, based on what you are being shown?

Of course you are not to blame, any more than other people that have fallen victim to their partners, who previously showed NONE of the warning signs.

You are NOT stupid or blind or any of the other accusations fired at you.

I wish I had answers for you, for anyone struggling with this ugly side of people.
I wish I had answers for myself.

All I can say, is at least I'm aware that all things are possible, even if I don't think it could happen to me.

If it's a dark night and you stroll to your car, completely oblivious of any potential danger...
your keys are in deep in your handbag, and when you get to the car door, you spend time fiddling in your bag, completely engrossed in trying to find them.
Is it then, that you're more likely to be attacked.
Take that same dark night, though this time, you have your keys in your hand, you walk steadily, confidently and purposefully to be where your car is parked and you show you are aware of your surroundings, does that make you less vulnerable to attack?

Take care of yourself OP, and anyone else reading threads like this, anyone who is suffering through NO fault of their own..
I wish you well and I wish you strength.

Of course people can change with no previous red flags. Look at the number of women on here who's husband decided to leave them and suddenly they are unrecognisable. Their best friend becomes cold and uncaring. The wife didn't change, the situation did.

I also think it's important to note that red flags are just that. Red flags. There's no saying that a man who leaves his socks on the floor at the beginning of the relationship will be abusing you by the time you are married and pregnant, some of them step up even and improve even.

Its easy to see red flags in hindsight and say ah ha! That was the first sign! But everyone has flaws we can point to that got better/worse over time and it's impossible to predict which, if any will escalate to abuse. Relatively normal/desirable personality traits (e.g. ambition) can twist into ugly traits (e.g. jealousy, resentment after failure) in the right circumstances.

I get it a lot that I must have missed red flags. I really get how you feel like it's a criticism of us. I e been through it twice. First time yes there were red flags I missed and he morphed when I got pregnant. Second time I was soooo careful, I'd done the freedom program, I took it very slow, I had to protect my children. Absolutely no signs of abuse AT ALL. And to be fair he never did get physically or sexually violent. But he got lazy and emotionally nasty again as soon as I got pregnant.

I think how he saw me changed. I was his partner, we were equal and he knew i would not be treated with any disrespect nor did he feel I deserved that. But as soon as I become pregnant that's what I was- mother of his child. I couldn't win. I wasn't a person anymore I was a mother and part of that role is all the housework with a smile on my face but at the same time he becomes increasingly jealous of the baby taking attention away from him. And before that he was jealous of any attention or special privileges I had for being pregnant in the eyes of others. He wasn't being asked about his job or his life I was being asked how tied I was and if I was struggling with sickness. It stoked resentment in him. He genuinely never thought of me as less than him till I got a bit of attention and he realised he's not my priority any more. (He never had been as my priority had always been my children from previous relationship but it's how he saw things 🤷‍♀️)

I believe you op that there were no signs. It's incredibly common that abuse starts when you get pregnant and I think that doesn't always mean there were signs before it means there is a fundamental shift in how a man sees a woman now she is vulnerable and creating life in a way a man never can no matter how well paid or physically powerful he is he cannot make a baby and he hates that he gets none of the credit but still has a responsibility it builds resentment

Jesus, I said Yes to every item on that list! That'll help me actually, should things get worse with the events in my life - thanks :)

OP, people can and do change for the worse sometimes, but no-one should make you feel as though you're stupid. If anything, to me it demonstrates ignorance.