Book suggestions for recovering after abusive relationship

[AlexDons]

Just as the title suggests, I have been in a "difficult" relationship for twelve years, starting when I was an older teenager and it has been the only relationship I ever had. I finally ended things a year ago or so.
I do not want to go to a therapist, but I want to understand what has happened to me so a book or something like that would be very helpful, because I do not know why I lash out at my current partner, or why I behave the same way my ex treated me sometimes, screaming and being unreasonable only to break down and cry, terrified that they are going to leave me (exactly like how my ex treated ME, which makes me feel sick).
I do not know why I just can't trust my current partner when they say they are not angry at me and it still feels that I have done something bad and a punishment of sorts is imminent.
At the same time, I am so scared at expressing my own emotions, because I constantly think that I will be seen as idiotic if I'm happy, or manipulative if I'm sad. So I am a constant confused mess.

*I have tried talking about it with friends and family but it's really not helpful. They are lovely and sympathetic, but they cannot give me any insight into why I acted like this in the past and why I am like this now.

You sound traumatised and I don't think books are going to cut it. I would get trauma based therapy. You can contact your local domestic abuse organisation and ask about specialised counselling.

I would also see your GP and speak to them as you sound overwhelmed.

It doesn't sound like you are ready to be in a relationship and it might be an idea to put things on hold for the time being.

The reason I don't want to go to a therapist is because my ex claimed to be "traumatised" as well, they would go to therapy and come back in an even worse way. Therapy is not for everyone and it's not always the right time for it, because I really, really do not think that I trust that therapy will do anything for me. I agree I am not ready for a relationship and we have separated a few days ago, I just did not add this bit to the original post.

There's some information here on dealing with trauma which has a lot of information.

You might find mindfulness helpful, yoga or Tai Chi and holistic therapy such as reflexology, acupuncture or massage.

Journaling might help, where you write down everything in your head. You might also find tapping useful.

As a note, I have heard that sometimes therapy can work well, but sometimes it can be a problem with an emotional abuser. If the perpetrator does not want to change, therapy can make them worse, because they learn therapeutic terms/concepts that they can use to become more manipulative. I wonder if this might have happened with your former partner.

In any case, I think you should follow whatever path is right for you. Sometimes people use therapy. Sometimes folks find fulfillment through other means.

I am in the United States, and we have an organization, RAINN, that supports sexual assault survivors, but they also provide support for other types of relationship abuse. They have a recommended books page, that might be helpful: https://rainn.org/shopforsurvivors-books