Why are women still enabling men?

[Singleparent78]

Genuine question - why are so many women still enabling men?

I'm in my 50s and flabbergasted at how many men my age are propped up by women who are doing all the domestic work, taking on everything at home and supporting them in their career and the continuation of their hobbies; all this gives men a freedom that means they only have to focus on the things that are important to them. Virtually all my straight male peers are wildly supported by a set up that has them at the centre and it has been thus for 20-30 years so is very normalised in their life, to be the sun around which everything else circles.

All my straight female peers are either single and still slogging it out at work with no domestic support or stepping back from work, playing more of a role to support their DH.

It's very depressing to me that women still continue to enable men to such an extent. Why? Is it social conditioning, is it motivated by financial gain or is it just the way to an easy life? Genuinely interested in people's thoughts about why this continues.

The next generation too! My DD had to flat share with 14 others for a month on a work experience trip. Average age 18.
Four boys 11 girls. She said the boys were loud, inconsiderate and left the communal areas a mess. And the girls just said 'oh they've left a mess we'll clean it up'!! My DD refused to do this (she also said the girls could be messy too but didn't expect anyone to clean up for them). They also didn't respect boundaries. The boys had one floor girls another. Obviously four boys and 11 girls and so a bit unequal in terms of facilities (the boys had their own rooms and one bathroom, the girls all had to share rooms and had two bathrooms between them). The kitchen was on the girls' level so the boys constantly used the girls bathrooms. One didn't have a lock and the boys never knocked! They were told repeatedly to use their own bathroom but they didn't and while my DD complained (there was a staff member in case of issues) no one reinforced it. She said she'd never live with boys again.

It's extraordinarily complicated but I agree with @brightdawnfading that simply blaming women isn't very helpful. There are deep seated societal issues, social conditioning and expectations that are very hard to just buck off and change - for both men and women.

My DH is definitely one of the "good ones" but the reality is that he has had to actively LEARN how not to be an entitled wanker of a man because he was simply conditioned that way. And he is the first to acknowledge that he's had to actively work to change what seemed totally normal to him because of the 100000 messages boys and men get about what is "normal" or what they should do.

And many of these subtle messages, when women (or men for that matter) point them out, there's often defensiveness and backlash. For example, those campaigners who have tried to shine a light on the issues of clothing for girls vs clothing for boys - even at toddler age. 9/10 on MN, on Twitter, on other platforms when they point out the disparity in style, colours, messages, graphics etc, there are dozens of people coming on to say, "well, you don't have to buy that for your child" and similarly simplistic responses. And then of course, there's the far more extreme version when women stand up to say something about work or pay or whatever and they're shouted down, threatened etc.

And as others have pointed out, it's often worse with children. So even when a woman knows perfectly well that the set up isn't fair or right, her choice is to let her children suffer or to step up and do it herself.... so she just steps up and does it herself. And don't even get me started on the way single mothers are treated vs single fathers....

Meanwhile, those societal norms and standards I mentioned cover everything from the way women are expected to behave to the types of jobs (and earning potential). Plus workplace assumptions about childcare and commitment etc.

Example - a man who is the lower earner, perhaps working in a shop or as a shift worker with a partner in an high paying office job - when the DC are sick, he can't possibly take work off "people are relying on me, I'll get fired etc." When it's the other way round, she must take work off because, "your job is less important to us as a family." I've seen this 10000 times.

Agree with your overall post but this part " 'one person is SOMEHOW sexually attracted to a man who pretends he can't learn how to cook a meal with vegetables in it or operate a washing machine' " - they can it would seem, UNTIL they live with someone and then have short term memory loss.

I'll never do it again. Never. Don't give shit about being single forever and all that - if that means living without the resentment, arguments and anger it causes when I've done my own job, childcare and domestic chores, then I'm more than happy about that and it's a great trade off!

Yes, but often the parents get confused about which one they are.

Mother of 4 boys here and a lawyer…it’s like the boiling frog analogy that therapists use. You start off equal, then kids come along and before you know it you’re enabling him. At least I was. And I knew it. And over time I resented it. And I had enough. So I got a divorce. I never want my boys to think that their father’s behaviour was acceptable. They don’t have a fantastic relationship with him and frankly I’m not surprised!