Married but Bi

[Heartalwaysonsleeve47fi]

Hi all, so ive been married for over 20 years to my husband. I feel i maybe Bi curious i have never experimented before or during married life. But its never stopped me from knowing i would like to. The feeling of guilt is awfull and talking to other half is not an option i feel its consuming me more and more of late.

Are you saying you want to cheat on your DH to experiment?

I’d say married trumps bi unless you want to leave the marriage or your husband would agree to an open marriage.

Are you thinking of cheating on your husband? Or leaving him? Asking for an open marriage? Going the route of polyamory?

Because bicurious isn't a get a out of jail free card and implying that it's not the same if you experimented with a woman is pretty insulting to monogamous bisexuals.

You should absolutely feel guilty about wanting to cheat

Is there a particular reason you can't talk to your husband about bisexual feelings or is it just a worry of yours of how he might react?

Being bisexual and married, I strongly recommend putting that consuming energy into your spouse and the marriage. Put it into developing friendships deeper and further being part of the communities you are in.

It's quite possibly different for you, but in my personal experience, these sorts of dwelling tend to come from parts of my brain when I'm feeling stressed, out of control, or isolated, particularly from other women with similar values. It's a 'what if' type of fantasy dreaming that for me first started when I was in a social circle that frequently derided husbands and family life, putting the blame for the stress of life on to them. It took some distance from them to see I had fallen into their negativity that was distorting my thinking and intentionally focus on my husband and my marriage to see that I wasn't missing something in my sexuality or anything else in my marriage that I know women who later in life realize they are lesbian or a bisexual with a strong preference towards women whose marriages were more a mask of compulsory heteronormativity.

My husband is aware of all of this, there were a lot of discussions over months while I sorted myself out. I'm glad we had those conversations now, at the time they were difficult and I think part of me will always regret the pain I caused him in some of those painful conversations even when he would swear up and down that it's fine, He's still the best choice I've ever made.

An important thing to remember is that whatever consuming thoughts your have, what ideals you know you would like to try... they aren't reality. You also have to come to terms with the fact that other people aren't for experimenting on without their consent - if you were to leave your husband to pursue this, the ethical route is to be open about that it is a curiosity, that it is an experiment for you -- some are open to that, but a lot of people aren't into that and a lot of people have been burned badly by that. The whole concept of referring to same sex relationships as 'experimenting' leaves a bad taste in many people's mouths, especially as it is so rarely applied when discussing mixed sex situations.

Quite surprised at the responses. Was expecting them to be affirming, but I do mostly agree. I'd probs try and unpick my feelings and ascertain whether they're innate or a response to something else. But for sure it would leave me a bit perplexed if my partner suddenly told me he'd always been attracted to say Asian women and felt like he wanted to experiment.

My sexuality might officially be bi, but in reality it’s Monogamous.

Finding both women and men sexually attractive is one thing; acting on it when in a long term loving relationship is another. Being bisexual isn’t an excuse to shag about.

Exactly this.

If what you’re saying is you want to be with other people then that is cheating, it doesn’t matter whether that is with a man or a woman.

Yeah tbh it’s interesting you’re saying this openly.

Many straight and gay people who don’t want to date bi people, cite the belief they may want to go or go back to the other gender at some point - as one reason why.

They are often told it’s not a thing. But I think it is and not just because of you, but I’ve seen other examples of this.

But yeah cheating is cheating.

Your husband will likely know something is wrong. Why is opening up not an option? You might be surprised.

I knew something was wrong a couple of years ago with my DH as like you say it was consuming him. He eventually poured it all out, which was very difficult, but we have got through it together as ultimately, we want to be married and we love each other very much. We have had lots of difficult and upsetting conversations but it needed to happen.

I am confident he is not going to cheat on me with either a man or a woman. We are still unpicking it all but ultimately he is much happier and comfortable in his own skin. As other posters have said he has joined an LGBTQ+ group for one of his interests and I see how much that community means to him. They are lovely people and don't bat an eyelid that he is a bit of an anomaly in a heterosexual marriage! He really couldn't have carried on keeping it to himself.

I would suggest opening up, as difficult as it might be. I wish you the very best and hope you find a way to be your authentic self 💐

Finding whoever you want attractive is fine but cheating isn't
No idea why this is a Feminist issue though

Well you have presumably managed to not sleep with any other men for the last 20 years. Now just extend that to women. Simple

I'm also not sure why you're posting this on the Feminism section of MN.

I'd also say this isn't related to your sexual orientation. Maybe you're just somehow unhappy in your marriage?

Everything else is completely fine, but not this:

I know women who later in life realize they are lesbian or a bisexual with a strong preference towards women whose marriages were more a mask of compulsory heteronormativity.

"Comphet" is a biphobic/lesbophobic construct invented out of thin air by a single bisexual woman Kinsey < 3. It has no scientific validity.

No lesbian women, or even bisexual women with a very strong preference for women, willingly marry men and stay married for decades.

This is a very damaging concept that invalidates both women who have absolutely no interest in men, and women who are bi. No one is a zombie that can be kept ignorant of both her taste for women and her distaste for men for literal decades.

Adrienne Rich and all she's ever come up with need to be binned.

Why? It's not just false, it also has real-world implications.

I was just booted off a "lesbian and bi" FB group to which I contributed for years, including organising things in real life, because I challenged an American polygamous woman who married a man two months ago on her absolute "queerness". Another one had taken charge of the group's WhatsApp contacts, all the while she had a fetlife profile where she literally begs for men to use her and pines for the day a "unicorn" will grace her and hubby.

This is just the tiniest of examples.

Of course this isn't at all what you're suggesting, or have done - but these are the potential implications of regarding women as clueless zombies who can't tell who they're attracted to.

This isn't about your sexual orientation.
I'm bi and I'm married to a man. He knows I'm bi. I've been married 12 years and have 3 children. We have our ups and downs... but none of them are because I'd rather shag women!!
If we broke up I might pursue a relationship with a woman... I might with a man. Just whoever I happen to connect with. If I'm happy I'm a relationship I don't obsess over sleeping with other people of any gender.
If you are considering cheating or obsessing about sleeping with other people I don't think it's about bisexuality. I think it's either about issues with you or your relationship.
Is there a reason you haven't told your husband you are bisexual?
Perhaps part of your feelings are about being sad that you can't express who you are and your sexuality? Perhaps actually talking to friends and or your husband would help you.
But at the end of the day regardless of your sexuality, constantly having thoughts of sleeping with someone who isn't your partner, is not a good sign for the relationship.
However the way you describe feeling guilty..... what do you actually feel guilty about? Do you want to cheat? Or are you trying to say you feel guilty about being attracted to women in general? Because if that's the case there is no more reason to feel guilty for that than being attracted to men in general.
Again just opening up to someone you trust might be helpful to you. It sounds a bit like things may have got very intense inside your head.. and perhaps if you talk it all through out loud it will feel less intense.

I’m married and straight, there are still other men out there but they are off limits. I don’t get why you’d think it’s any different for bi.

I think this thread might be you asking for permission to cheat but uhm don’t bring some unsuspecting lesbian into it, and don’t do what a bisexual woman that I dated did and say ‘I’m separated from my husband’ and turn out to be still together with him, all the while blowing smoke up my bottom about how wonderful I was. Because that’s where I think your post is going and it’s why many lesbians become jaded with that treatment by bisexual women.

I don't really get why this is any different to 'exploring' other types of straight relationship.

I have never dated, for example, a French man or body builder. Or a much younger man. But I wouldn't expect my husband to be happy about me experimenting with dating one now, because I 'missed out' when I was single.

There are a near infinite number of possible relationships out there for all of us, gay, straight or bi. But once you've decided to commit to one other person, they're off limits. It doesn't matter what your reason is. If you're genuinely unhappy with your relationship then that's another matter - but don't blame that on your bisexuality.

You cant experience everything in life - but you can ruin what you've got by wondering whether the grass is greener elsewhere. It might be greener, but it will sure as hell be less good in some other way.

I mean I would say that it is different to exploring other types of heterosexual relationship as I have dated a few bisexual women who hadn't dated another woman before and I think that none of them appreciated that they would immediately be met with homophobic comments or attacks... something that doesn't tend to happen if you are dating a French man or a bodybuilder to use your example. So it is different as homosexual relationships are still seen by enough people as 'second class'.

You're right, I didn't mean to minimise those aspects of bisexuality. I realised after but it was too late to edit.

But the OP seems to be focusing on the fact of her marriage meaning she is unable to experiment with a same sex relationship. My point was that we can never experience all other types of relationship that are out there, so the attraction to women aspect of wanting to experiment is a bit of a red herring.

The question you need to ask is:

Am I monogamous?

And: have I had an honest discussion with my spouse about it.

People often dream of sex with people other than their spouse. The sex of this fantasy is immaterial as long as it's only fantasy. Cheeting on a partner is a disgusting thing to do.

This is the reason bisexual people are so badly judged. The confusion between being bi sexual and being committed to your partner.

I'm bi sexual but have been married to a man for over 20 years. I'm faithful to him. I chose him. I didn't choose him with a side of women if I feel like it, I chose only him. I'm still bi sexual, in the same way a straight person is still straight when they get married - both are committed to one person only.

I don't think you need to feel guilty. I think until it gets to the point of seriously planning to cheat and making plans to do so, you haven't done anything wrong. Most people have fantasies that don't involve their partner without it meaning they would actually go ahead and cheat on the partner. I am bisexual and married to a man. I am monogamous and I don't have any desire to go out and sleep with a woman. Do I fantasise about women sometimes? Absolutely. But my husband has nothing to worry about.

You need to consider why this is a problem now - after 20 faithful years, why is it now that you are keen to explore your sexuality. Have you met a woman you are interested in? Are you happy with your husband? Do you think you might be a lesbian rather than bi? Would you be happier single - with the freedom to experiment but without your husband? Is it a question of wanting a different kind of sex (maybe dh could meet some of this need, could you guide him towards a different way of doing things)?

I think you need to carefully explore the reasons that your marriage no longer feels like enough. Once you go down this route you will cause you husband a lot of pain and you could ultimately end up alone. You can't stay just to avoid your husbands grief of course but you need to make a considered decision before you move forward - and don't sleep with a woman before you've been clear about what you want, and open with him. Unfaithful is unfaithful, whoever you're sleeping with.

For what it's worth, I am bisexual and made a choice to be faithful to my husband. Do I miss sex with women? Yes. Do I miss the lesbian part of my identity (which has basically disappeared since I entered a monogamous heterosexual relationship)? Yes. To me, my husband is worth giving up those things. You need to decide whether yours is or not - and to be fair and compassionate towards him whatever you do next.

Being bi is a bit of a red herring here - if you want to cheat it doesn’t matter what sex the other person is. You are married and therefore committed to that person, in this case a man. If you are wanting to explore outside the marriage - with whichever sex - that’s something you need to be discussing with your husband as he will have a view on what he wants, and feels is acceptable to him.