Mean girl school mums

[billlion]

I've recently made friends with three other school mums and had them over for dinner..two are lovely but one is so alpha and self promoting.
I've recently joined the gym after a bout of poor health and have really got into Pilates..all she did was take the piss out of me. Why are middle aged women acting like mean girls and how to handle this in the next school run? I really struggle to spend time with groups of women anyway as I was really bullied at school. Why bring each other down?
My husband was folding the washing in the next room and could hear some of the conversation..his comment to me when they left was wow women are so bitchy to each other!

You write you were bullied when young. If you give off a hint of nervousness or anything perceived as weakness then a certain type of person will be attracted to you because you are easy pickings. You aren’t going to pull them up, call them out. So they can get away with it. People perceived as weak are easy to spot as often people pleasers, they will accept stuff at a low level that say someone like me just wouldn’t put up with. It’s all very subtle at first. I know awful women like this because of my sister who is a perfect example of this woman that you have had to your house. Though the stuff she has done is up to very extreme.

I am one of five sisters. She is the only one like this. Our oldest sister who is the sweetest woman imaginable especially took the brunt because she would put up with it. She exploited her for money and did other major stuff that is shocking.

You can never ever change someone else’s behaviour all you can do is look to yourself and how you as an individual react.

I wouldn't spend any time with someone that negative. I'd also assume they were massively insecure to have to put someone down like that. If I did have to spend any time with them I'd cultivate an inner attitude of pity, amusement and serenity towards them to ward off their barbs. Sorry you had to experience that. If the other women really are lovely you could spend some time with them individually but it sounds like she'd resent you massively. I've found very few women behave like this but one can certainly make things toxic for everyone. Your husband may not have noticed but there are also men who try to outdo other men due to the same type of insecurity. They usually boast about possessions and achievements or mock other men as 'banter'.

It's not being male or female that makes someone nasty, it's their personality.

Who knows why she's being a bitch, but fortunately, you're not in school now and there is absolutely no need to put up with this kind of crap. I wouldn't have anything more to do with her. Just completely disengage. Smile politely and walk away or start talking to someone else if she approaches you in the playground. Turn down invites to do things if she's there. Just don't get sucked into the drama. Lots of other people will feel the same way about her as you do.

Thanks for the replies.
We have a school play next week..I will be going to the gym straight after, I'm already anticipating the bitchy comment. Any ideas for a comeback?
I think in future I will just meet people one to one.

Grey stone And distance yourself, keep interactions short, breezy, kind but with distance

A comeback just engages with her games. Don’t bother.

I don't know how to handle these types of situations, it's so unnecessary!

She was bullying you in your own home whilst eating dinner you’d prepared. I’d have chucked her out.

You handle this by ditching her. Don't engage. If she talks to you at school, be polite but distant and brief. Don't give her any information at all about you. Be really vague and brief in any answers. I was bullied at school. It's left me with lasting and serous mental health issues that I am still dealing with. I have zero tolerance for any similar behaviour in adulthood.

Will do but what about the other two mums I am friends with..just see them separately? I then think I will come across badly to them.
I hate that I give this so much thought time!

Yes I’d see them separately and I wouldn’t feel bad about it. You may have to be prepared though to let them go too if they resist your attempts to see them without the bully.

Don't engage in any comebacks, just don't bother with her.

I was dealing with a similar personality and it's since got back to me that she is extremely irritated I don't seem to care about her.

She said some awful things about me, got people I thought were my friends to exclude me from things and generally socially isolate me ... And yet was surprised and 'really angry' I am civil with her but don't pretend to be her friend, turn down her invitations etc. I won't pretend I don't enjoy that ☺️

The best course of action against these people is to not care

A woman at the school gates used to mock my outfits until I said "Can you give it a rest, you sound like a bully when you do this" - she steered clear of me after that 😂
Ask her "What are you trying to achieve?" and she'll say she's making a joke reply "I'm sorry I don't get it, I don't see how it's funny and it sounds really unkind"

You want suggestions for a comeback? Why are you even engaging with this person?

The school mum thing is irrelevant. I think people forget that when they meet people on the school run, the only thing they have in common with these people is that they have children of the same age. It's not even like meeting people at work or the pub or through a hobby where you have actual things in common based on things you like to do. The only thing here is that you chose to get pregnant at roughly the same time.

So it's fine to start trying to make friends but then to realise that friendship group A isn't working or person B isn't someone you're compatible with. Mostly, that simply involves the relationship not developing. In some cases, like this, you might have to take an active stance due to poor behaviour. Just be polite, friendly but distant and work on building relationships with the other two women.

Andn if they are still super friendly with her, I'd be considering moving away from them too... suggests they don't have good taste in friends.

^ This!

Took me til year 4 to figure this out and wish I had sooner. Met some really unpleasant people and feel relieved now dd is at secondary I don't have to deal with this anymore! With the benefit of hindsight I wish I had been stronger and not engaged with women like this!

I think the best way to handle this is to work on your own confidence. Don’t be too hung up on what people think of you.

In this instance I wouldn’t give a shit if someone was taking the piss out of my pilates. I’d let them know the benefits of doing Pilates and why you’re doing them.

Likewise when you see her, tell her you are off to Pilates and ignore her comment, if she makes any.

I really need to work on my confidence, I hate worrying about what people think of me and other school mum anxiety is the worst. I hate walking into the place and smiling at someone and they don't smile back it plays hell on me. I dread having to go to big events where I'll see groups of them.

I would just tell her to grow up