Being patronized as an older woman

[theninthwave]

I'm two weeks away from my 59th birthday. I've noticed in the last few years that men have become more and more patronizing towards me. I look a bit younger than I am (about 5 years). Does this mean that any woman over 50 is considered to be a stupid idiot by a great many males? I am starting to find it very anger inducing and feel like punching these men when they act like this. Not saying 'all men' or that women aren't sometimes guilty; it does seem to be mostly men though, especially in the workplace.

Has anyone else come across this?

Any suggestions for good come backs?

Forget to reply to this, but it's happened to me a few times in a medical setting, on one occasion because I was getting a bit stressed trying to describe a problem, which I guess is more understandable but still a bit patronising - but it's happened to me while I've simply been describing symptoms. It's hard to explain why it feels tied to my age, but it definitely does.

It also once happened when I told a shop assistant I was having trouble finding a particular item. 🙄

The purchase of wine in a supermarket has to be authorised - is the buyer 'visibly over 25'? There'll be the odd young git (funnily enough, never a woman) who'll ask for my ID or say something dreary (they identify as witty) about my age. I either look really bored or give them the Death Stare, depending on my energy level.

Like a male hospital consultant saying to a woman of 77 years, "Hello, young lady?"

Oh I'd love to have a good response to that one. It's as patronising as hell and I HATE it.

If anyone could provide me with the perfect put down, I'd really appreciate it.

My mum was in a care facility from her late 70s because she was paralysed after a stroke. She was still the highly intelligent person that she always had been. And the patronising way she was addressed used to send her into a fury.

Likewise I visited my 95 year old aunt who is also sharp as a tack, in hospital recently. The young doctor made the fatal mistake of talking to her like a toddler, and jeeze, did she make him pay. I almost felt sorry for him.

I am often patronised on MN, which pisses me right off.
In RL not so often.
I'm 54 - a lone parent so just get on with all that I have to.
If I need help or advice then I ask.

I do think it's more common with smaller women, I am tall and stride around like there's a fire on my heels. In fact I think I scare people more than anything.

I said, "I am an old woman - why do you call me young lady? It's really patronising." He replied, "Well, compared to the last patient I spoke to, who was 97, you are young." I said, "Good catch, ok, I'll let you have that." ( I wanted to make my point pleasantly.) "But I'll bet you wouldn't say to a man my age, 'Hello young man', would you?" He said he wouldn't and then we got on with our business. Honestly, if they knew they make themselves look like dollops!

Oh wait.....the assistant at Sainsbury self check out told me 'not to worry, it wasn't my fault' when I was on the verge of completely losing my shit (things not scanning, things not being heavy enough, needing age verification...then to top it a random basket check).
I glared at her and said I wasn't worried but that their self scan stank.

That sounds to me like she was just being nice to you.

I’ve noticed more patronising behaviour as I’ve got older but equally from women as well as men. I can’t say it’s anywhere near the majority of people but certainly an increase.

What’s wrong with that? My mum loved it when anyone said something like that. And at 67, it wouldn’t bother me in the least.

It’s simply ridiculous, infantilising. And also of course it’s ageist - as though it’s a compliment to be considered young.

😳. I think people read far too much into things like this and take things far too seriously. I don’t see it in any way as being ageist or suggesting that it’s a compliment to be considered young. It’s just the way that some people talk. My dad always called me ‘young first name’ - he wasn’t being ageist or infantilising, he was being him. I’ve always called my husband ‘old boy’ since he was 21, the opposite of ‘young lady’ and still call him that now that he’s 70. No doubt someone will think that’s wrong 😆😆

I’m 54 and I can count on one hand the number of times someone has tried to patronise me because of my age (or gender or background). It has never gone well for them and it never will.

I come from a long line of strong gobby women (on my mother’s side) so the stroppy genes were inherited and I’ve worked in a male dominated, notoriously aggressive industry (investment banking) for many years now so I take no prisoners. According to male friends, I “think like a man” (whatever that means?!) I am actually a nice person (honestly!), chatty and outgoing (I’m Northern) but any hint of being patronised is dealt with sharply. I will be incredibly polite the first time and issue a gentle warning but if that warning is ignored, I go straight to Defcon 4. Not always my best trait but it certainly gets things sorted fast.

I'm 65 and haven't noticed any difference from when I was younger, but I will stand up for myself and will argue if I know I'm right!

I do think it's more common with smaller women, I am tall and stride around like there's a fire on my heels. In fact I think I scare people more than anything.

I think @rosemarble makes an interesting point here. I’m also tall (5’9 in bare feet) with limited no patience so do everything at 100 miles/hour (hence the user name) and have been told quite a few times that I’m intimidating and “have gravitas”. Is that a PC way of saying I have an attitude problem? 😂

I do find it mildly amusing these days when I get referred to as “the nice lady” which makes me feel 110 years old. I usually laugh and say “ooh it’s a long time since I’ve been called a lady, or nice even” which seems to break the ice.

I have "confused" in my doctors notes as I questioned something - I was fully aware of what I was talking about.

So I made a point of saying -" if it is in my notes that I am confused, I presume that means measures are in place to explain things more thoroughly to me in future consultations. That's nice".

I'm 60 for God's sake

she was being nice, but her assumption was that I didn’t know how to use self scan and was getting frustrated, when in fact I was frustrated because it was not fit for purpose.
It would have been more appropriate if she had said “yes, we know there are problems with them”.

Tbh, I’ve found if anything that people are more respectful these days (I’m 62). I work full time in a reasonably senior role, am very experienced at my job and popular with the people in my line management. I can’t speak for others of course and fully accept that not everyone is having the same experience.

I find being addressed as "My Love" very, very patronising. It's used by men and women but they all tend to be in their 20s. My local Spar is full of these over-confident, patronising jerks, I'm afraid. I'm 58.

I think there's a certain cohort of men that consider all women to be a bit challenged.

They may give allowances for young and attractive women.

BUT they always thought this about you.

Did you not notice this before??

Ask for a female GP.

'Think like a man'.

Patronising.

Do one, dickhead.

Should be the rejoinder.

You sound acers, but you're making excuses for yourself in a way no man ever would.