I am just coming out of an abusive relationship with a so called "progressive" man. After reading some of Lundy Bancroft's work, I am starting to realise how naive I have been about the capability of these men (who often wax lyrical about the evils of oppression), for abuse. In fact, it's a particularly manipulative way of absolving themselves of responsibility for their actions and winning allies, as they apparently "aren't the type", or often claim to be (or, indeed are) victims of oppression themselves.
I know this will come as no shock to others, but I am just feeling so angry about society's condoning of such men's abuse because they may be victims of oppression themselves, or hold the "right views," (in public at least). My ex-partner and his family is from a community that has experienced direct, systematic oppression, largely, but not completely confined to the past, and, rightly so, is angered by this and views himself as a social justice warrior and fighter of oppression as a result of his experiences. Many of his male friends purport to have the same views and motivations, yet, see no issue with having misogenistic views of women that are enabled and rationalised as "progressive." Views that condone their use of sex workers, for example, as "some women find it empowering." Said to me (a woman) in a rather condescending way, by one of his male friends. I am not claiming to speak for all women here, but, as a woman, it doesn't sit right being told by a man how women feel about selling their bodies to men. The fact that I have worked directly with many sex workers in the past, and, am in fact a woman, seems to have had no bearing on his arrogant and self-rituous attitude that he knows best and is of the "correct and progressive" mindset. Such "progressive" views, in my observation, seem to do little for women while furthering the selfish interests of men.
I know I am not saying anything new here, I'm just trying to heal from an abusive relationship and am feeling angry in general about how this dynamic played out in my personal life and is in many ways excused by society, enableng my ex to justify his behaviour towards me and cast himself as the constant victim who I should feel sorry for. I also dated a social worker who treated me horribly sexually, but was fiercely vocal about his views against oppression and the mistreatment of women, and I think he really believed what he was saying - in theory at least. The cognitive dissonance of believing one thing so strongly, but at the same time displaying the opposite values, and the twisted justifications for this just added to my sense of confusion and I feel is right out of the abuser's textbook.