Finding it hard

[CantBelieveNaive]

to be a feminist and stay married as per the tropes of wearing a ring, him being the main wage earner, me being the main cook, shopper, child responsibility. Etc etc.
I've changed a lot now the kids have grown up and regretting my choices of being a SAHM now that I see the repercussions long term, losing career, financial independence etc etc
It seems so old fashioned now and am finding the old ways so jarring. I'm mid 50s.
How do I move forwards and get my husband to take on more equal household tasks and being less macho.
I'm not sure if I can reconcile traditional marriage and wanting to be my independent self.

You can't get your husband to change. He has to realize where he's been wrong and want to change. Then he has to do the work on himself. This is not your responsibility. You can tell him what your needs are. If he won't accommodate them, you might want to rethink if you still want to be with him.

You can certainly start demanding change. I don't know what you mean by macho but he can start pulling his weight, taking chores in turns, pick up after himself. Can you start to carve a life out for yourself? Volunteer, exercise, go for a mini break, see friends, learn Italian...

It sounds like you're in a good place with less responsibility around the children. So start elbowing yourself some space to do what you want to do. Instead of looking at where your dh is going wrong, think about what you want to do with yourself now. Do you want to travel a bit? Take up a sport? Just start doing it. If you don't know what you want - it can be hard at first to even know - just start saying yes to things.

Don't blame your husband though. We all change and grow and to some extent the unwritten contract we set up when we become a couple, then a family is being rewritten again. That's absolutely fine and normal at this stage for both of you.

Don’t for a second feel bad about being a SAHM. There is research that shows even women who work longer hours or make more money than their husbands still shoulder more of the domestic load. These ‘repercussions’ would have happened regardless

don’t feel bad about the SAHM - if you wanted to do that, that’s great!

in regards to getting him more involved, is he up for a discussion about that?

Do you work now?

Just stop doing some of the stuff you do for him. Prioritise what you want to prioritise- which is tricky when you’ve not done it before.

What are you contributing to the household at the moment?

I hear you. Am early 50s and not sure how I got here as a very shouty feminist in the 90s. But have been working on myself a lot. It was all quite equal til we had kids, then I found myself doing 80% of the household chores and house thinking, working ft, bringing home half the bacon. It came down to, if I don't do it, it won't be done.

Am now very shouty and DH doesn't like it. No visitors unless he cooks and cleans in prep, no MIL/FIL visits unless he clean and cooks.

If you were working outside the home, you would likely be struggling to fit in family needs and work and being smugly told "women can't have it all", or made to feel as if you are at fault for not foreseeing this/or feminism is at fault for "misleading" women into thinking they would be happier outside the home rather than with their family.

I think now that the children are older, now is the perfect time to re-evaluate what you want. If its a career/wage then of course its harder mid fifties than when you are younger (both ageism and the fact you are starting out when most are considering retiring) but not necessarily impossible. If its a life outside the home then grab that. If its more respect from your husband/those around you for what you do (despite not being a wage earner) then make that clear. But internalise the idea that you deserve less respect because you aren't earning money/haven't been the wage earner. If you act like what you do makes you worth less the people around you will pick up on it.

Sorry, I just realised - that should have been DONT' internalise the idea that not being a wage earner etc... That's a really bad typo on my part!!!

I chose to be a SAHM. My choice, DH didn't influence me (in fact he'd have preferred I went to work so we had more money).
I do regret it a bit now the kids are older but I have no one to blame but myself.
Plus I haven't had to put up with office politics or arsehole bosses (which DH very much has).
Live with your choice - improve things from where you are now.

Aw thanks Mums! Yes have been busy going to Empowerment events and doing things on my own which was quite scary but once there I was meeting people, getting goody bags and critiquing the event! Pros and cons! !
I am totally reassessing my life and future from 50 and not sure what it looks like but ❌❌crossing off what I definitely don't like! lol
Really appreciate your replies. So helpful!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️