Now they

[Zeldee]

Hi all.

my daughter has just changed their name to a male one and would like to be referred to as they. I have no problem with the name choice but am really struggling with calling them my child, and they. I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing. I’m struggling now to have a convo on the phone. My child is in uni.

any help would be good x

I would explain that since you have referred to your child as "she" all her life, it is difficult to change that. You gave birth to and raised a girl. You are always going to think of her that way, so you would always be catching yourself making a mistake if you tried to call her "they." She needs to understand that it will never feel natural to you.

My daughter thinks she is non-binary. I explained this difficulty to her, so she does not expect me to change the pronouns I use for her. It works both ways. They have to show some understanding towards us as well.

Well you wouldn't use pronouns whilst talking to her anyway would you? So it's just the name to get used to. I'm sure she will appreciate your trying your best, just keep showing her you love and accept her and the rest will follow.

Friend of mine had the same thing happen with her daughter, also just finished uni (though daughter didn't change her name) but it seems to have lapsed, since friend doesn't refer to her daughter as "they" now (or perhaps she caught the waves of scepticism coming over the internet at the nonsense ...)

Can't offer any advice I'm afraid, I'd be too tempted to say "Grow up" or something along those lines.

I'd continue to use the correct sex based pronouns if it was my child because I don't think it's helpful to do anything else.

Yes, lying because your child has fallen prey to an extremely misogynistic cult isn't going to help anyone in the long run - except, of course, the men busy stripping women of our rights.

You might find https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ helpful.

It’s actually very easy to just remove sex based pronouns, if you make a conscious effort to use “they/them” then you won’t upset anyone, won’t offend your child, and almost everyone won’t even notice

E.g. - who is this idiot, they can’t drive?! Etc

doesn’t contradict your gender critical beliefs, and you don’t to have to affirm their chosen gender. Doesn’t affirm any gender affirming care they might be given. But, crucially, doesn’t alienate you from your child who I would bet big money that you love and want to stay in contact with

I just don’t understand these mumsnetters who encourage argument and division with children? You dont even know what the eventual outcome will be?? Why catastrophise?? Most people just need love, empathy and support. If they end up trans, then you can deal with it and ask fir advice. But right now they are just asking for space, right? Give it to them!

"They can't drive" type comments refer to people when one doesn't know their sex. Using "they" when the sex is known is ridiculous. And someone old enough to be at university is hardly a child.

no, that’s just not true

we use “they” very often when talking about people of whom gender is known
e.g. “Did you see Mary’s outfit??!”
”they need to have a word with themselves..!”

if you have decided to refute normal grammar and language use then I can’t even engage, it’s pointless

That's not remotely normal grammar.

Lol, ok

www.oed.com/discover/a-brief-history-of-singular-they/?tl=true

we use “they” very often when talking about people of whom gender is known
e.g. “Did you see Mary’s outfit??!”
”they need to have a word with themselves..!”

I think that would sound very odd, I don't know that I've ever heard someone talk like that when a person's sex is known. Surely people would say "she needs to have work with herself."

I think most of us wouldn’t be gossiping about what Mary has chosen to wear.

Obviously this is bollocks

Ha ha utter nonsense 🤣 no-one speaks like this.

I'd be saying she needs to have a word with herself

Why wouldn't I?

You might find the book by Stella O’Malley and Sasha Ayad, When Kids Say They’re Trans, useful. And their website, Genspect with links to their podcast, Gender: A Wider Lens.

They are particularly focused on parents and how they can help themselves and their children.