About dating and being a feminist

[TodayIsNotMyDay]

So, I’ve recently, kind of, have been seeing this guy.
I’m a (very) late bloomer and tbh, my current situation is the furthest I’ve gone and I don’t really know how to go about the whole porn thing.

Everytime dating/men/porn is talked about (most online) everyone says that that’s what men are like etc.
I don’t want to believe that, maybe I’m dumb - whatever.

But I wanted to ask how do / did you feminist got to know that the men you date(d) didn’t use it?

I usually find a way to sneak it into conversation.

(I'm not against men ever using porn but i draw the line at habitual users).

I usually ask them if they have any bad habits. Of course they won't say porn but it's a good place to start. I keep watch for other obsessive behaviour such as him having to drink alcohol on every single date. Or mention of past addictions. Or addictive behaviour.

I look out for mysoginy of any kind as mysoginists often are drawn to things that dehumanise women. Talk of crazy exs? Big red flag.

I inquire as to their family relationships. Do they have warm relationships with female family for example.

Porn and contempt for women are often linked so it's useful to rule that out. Same for porn and addictive personalities.

I've been known to say 'what are your views on porn? Are you a regular user or can you take it or leave it?'. Asking about regular use implies you might be OK with porn therefore they'll feel they can be truthful.

Then I usually add 'I've always felt its regular use showed a lack of imagination skills personally' xD

You can ask them, but don't expect a truthful answer. Be suspicious of any man who says he has never used it and be extremely wary of any man who says he does. Typically, what he won't tell you is what kind of porn he uses, because it's violent and/or particularly degrading.
There really is no way to be safe from the influence it has over men. That's the awful reality.

Look for sexual dysfunction or signs that he is fantasizing rather than paying attention to you during sex. Look for signs that he objectifies women, such as following porn stars on SM, ogling women openly, commenting on women's bodies and making casually misogynistic remarks. If he is a sex pest who is grabbing at you and demanding about sex, he uses it. If he expects you to do things like choking or anal, he uses it. The stats on violence committed on women during what was initially consensual sex are unbelievably grim.

"The research[2] finds that being subjected to non-consensual violence in sex is very often in the context of a wider pattern of control and abuse. 80% of research respondents had experienced non-consensual violence in sex from a partner or ex-partner."

wecantconsenttothis.uk/i-thought-it-was-normal-research

It's beyond depressing and should be considered at emergency status, but it's women it's happening to, so it's not even being widely reported. The only way to be safe from porn-influenced abuse during sex is not to have sex with men at all. Naturally, that doesn't protect you from assault. There really is no hope of being free from their abuse as long as we share this planet with them.

With the caveat that I haven't dated for a long time and I've never had to have this conversation...

I think I'd go with the direct approach. Early on, after a few dates and you're beginning to think you like him, just tell him you have an aversion to porn and you'd like your man to not use it but be honest with you about it (let's be realistic - porn is a very addictive thing for a man and I imagine it's very tempting for a single man to just click a button to see women naked).

Hopefully that'd trigger a good conversation and leave him with a choice to make. If he's in no doubt that it's a deal-breaker then he will have to choose to give it up or begin the relationship on a lie.

Good advice above though too, about looking out for the warning signs about how porn can ruin a man.

Good luck, what a minefield.