Help me help my friend

[JeysusH]

She lives in NZ with a very abusive man.

Has two older teens, he just gaslights her all the time to the extent she thinks she's not ok. Her and the teens have both had residential psychiatric stays because of his behaviour. He's wealthy but extremely financially abusive.

They are from the UK and have dual citizenship.

I've advised her for years to leave but because of the abuse and the fact she'd have to leave her children, she can't see a way out.

Her children are young women now

Any ideas? She's in the UK in a couple of weeks and I've reached out to my very resourceful sister who has some contacts in NZ, but we don't know the law there. Any advice would be brilliant.

Thanks.

Does she want to leave and come back to the UK, is she coming back on her own, does she want your help.

Yes she does want help.

She doesn't want to leave her children. That's the fucker.

She could look at Women's Refuge NZ. Similar to Womens Aid here

Would her teens want to live in the UK, do they have dual citizenship

Why does she have to leave NZ in order to leave him? Can't she stay in NZ so she can see her children?
One thing I've learned about dealing with those living with domestic violence is that people leave when they are ready to leave, and nothing anybody says will convince them until then. If she is ready, there's a chance you can get through to her. If not, she'll keep making excuses to stay. Another thing to stress is the fact that leaving is the most dangerous time. She will need to be in a shelter or somewhere else where he can't get to her. Just do your best to give her some options. Good luck.

Yes she's been in contact with women's charities there, it's the different country that's the real problem. I think that's why he took them there. Ugh. So difficult.

Thank you for the ideas.

Maybe the NZ consulate when she's here might be able to help her with any rules or law about her and the teens leaving, either to another country or staying in NZ. The charities and solicitors in NZ must know what help they can get with leaving, divorce etc.,

Yes, he was probably deliberately isolating her from people who might help her. That's very typical of abusers.

Yes, Absolutely.

It's very hard to signpost.

How much money does she need to leave?

What age/level of independence are the daughters?

Is she working? Can she save/squirrel money away?

As a friend, your job is to support her to see that there is a path to a life of freedom.
Undoubtedly she will be poorer. But if she can live independently under her own steam, then basically she will be fine.

Step one is to open a secret bank account where she can squirrel money.
Step two is to get a job, that will sustain her.
Step three is get out.