The future of motherhood?

[futuregybe]

Ok, first time poster, and please bear with me on this (I don't have children).

I'm 42F, was married young, divorced, and I feel like I've never found the stability in order to bring a kid in to the world and be happy. I look at the situation a lot of women find themselves in when they do have kids (working hard in full time jobs, but also taking the majority of childcare duties). I divorced myself (partner cheated), and look at the fights over childcare with great sadness.
It's probably too late for me, but i'm absolutely curious what the future of motherhood looks like - if we look past the current status.
Women outperform men academically and have done for pretty much a generation at this point. We've made great strides, but women still have the majority of the burden of household and childcare - which is an opportunity cost women are paying, but men aren't.
If men won't step up to an equal partnership, what's in it for women? I've watched as friends have taken decisions to look for different than normal child rearing - choosing to have a baby from an egg donor so that there can be no arguing over child care arrangements if a marriage goes south. Another friend who is actively looking to set up co-living arrangements where children are involved so that dependence on one other person isn't a thing, and community can help fill the emotional void.

I've done well for myself in the tech industry in Silicon Valley and this international womens day I started poking and prodding to see what investments are being made in lieu of men just stepping up (it's not happening - where are all the house husbands? statistically they just aren't there).
What about robot childcare? If we can make cars drive themselves, surely there are elements that can be solved where women are burdened.

This is quite meandering, but I'm seriously considering helping/pushing for investments in tech to give women like me more options in the future - past the nuclear family option. I'm curious what others see as the future of motherhood because 'doing it all' is not sustainable, and men (not all, but on the whole) are not stepping up.

Side note: Why are childcare prenups not a thing? If I was walking in to a marriage that was hoping to have kids, I'd absolutely want to lay out terms if the union dissolved ahead of time. Yes the father is important, but the damage that gets wreaked with messy divorces is insane.

I like it, I would be happy to live somewhere like that (Dh would have to come too but he is actively interested in child rearing). I think the lack of support networks is what makes child rearing really difficult. I think also our societies are built around the idea that theres always one parent available, so doctor’s appointments, dental appointments etc have to be done in working hours. For lone parents this is an utter pain in the arse. DD’s nursery set eye check ups and dental check ups for the children on site and kids who needed some additional attention had a letter home to their parents. Things like that are immensely helpful.

Having someone to just chat to while your children play with theirs, or to be able to be 5 minutes to a nursery so you can pick your kid up at a reasonable time so you aren’t stretched in a million directions. Or taking your child to the doctors doesn’t mean booking a day off work because it’s around the corner and they will do early morning or evening appointments.

There’s a number of areas that make it hard balancing work and children and something has to go. For me it was social life and exercise and I’m paying for that lack of time in the gym now. I felt like I was always behind.

Tech has definitely brought some improvements for working mums particularly ease of wfh but for women working in tech the techbro attitude is often toxic and they often weaponise any concessions to women with children.

Some of the school tech improvements help with making it easier to see info without having to search a minging school bag and do things like pay for school lunches online. But the biggest problem with managing schooling is their attitude towards mums and the assumption mums are the parent that can drop work. And this comes from primarily female staff. And now that communication is easier they send out way too much info.

I actually think tech already exists that would allow everyone to work less and spend more time with the families or on recreation than in the past. However, what’s happened is that instead of work taking up less time, employers have just got more out of the workforce and made more profit. I’m not sure what the solution is.

A big issue is that the vast majority of women don't want to share their maternity leave. Perhaps we just need to give both parents equal time off.

Of course not! It is MATERNITY leave. Women spent 9 months gestating new life which is a huge drain on her resources, then she has to give birth, which is a MASSIVE physical trauma/injury, and emotionally too. Then she may breastfeed, which is another HUGE drain on her resources.

All the while, hormones are pushing her to want to be with her baby 24/7 and the baby her.

She needs to recover, bond and feed her baby. Why should she share with a man who has gone through none of this? That is insane.

It should be his job to do all the domestic duties and look after his wife.

That was our set up and it meant I could focus on healing and bonding.

Husband has a great relationship with us both, by the way.

Yes, but the world doesn't stop and other people will carry on getting promoted - like the recent case where a poster was outraged that after two maternity leaves her former assistant who she'd interviewed was now her superior.

If the father got more time off to bond with his child there would be less financial imbalance and more recovery/rest time for the mother (as he could help). We can't be against men getting paternity leave but then be surprised when they end up outearning us.

I think it must be pretty shit for the father to only see his child for an hour or two a day.

I'm in an unusual position in that FH was a house husband. I loved my job, he hated his, and I earned more so as soon as we could afford it he resigned and became a house husband. He was a wonderful husband and father.

As it happened it was a blessing he spent so much time with the kids as about two years after he took over the role he developed terminal cancer and died a year later.

He was comfortable as a house husband because he was entirely confident in his masculinity. He was also very proud of my achievements and was always encouraging me.

I don't need to say that it was a very happy and successful setup. I'm sure both our sons would be willing to do the same. House husbands are rare but the more people encounter them the more they will become mainstream.

It’s a very important question. I think the right answer is that as women stepped into the workforce and broadened their horizons, there should have been a rebalancing across society that never happened. There should have been a recognition that every aspect of life needs to be shared more equally between the sexes. Work, childcare, domestic work, community work- all of it. And to do that effectively, we would have to acknowledge that standard full time working hours need to be less for everyone. Mothers, fathers, non-parents- we all need the space and time to do more that isn’t just making money for others. We could do so much with it- not just caring for children, but for the environment, the community. More people would be able to do volunteer work, to be involved in politics and activism. It would be better for all of us.

I quite like my brother in law but since he has become a father I've been really disappointed to see how he parents in that he pretty much doesn't. If he has to look after his children on his own because his wife is working or otherwise busy he immediately decamps to his mothers or sisters house with the kids where he will then say he will do some odd job around the house for them with the expectation that they will look after the kids.

Even if he is in the room with his kids he just gets out his phone and scrolls tiktok for hours and ignores them even if chaos reigns around him. He is very hard on his daughter because he wants his attention and wants to talk but he ignores her so she acts up and then she shouts at her. His son is only 5 but has behavioural problems he hits and kicks his sister, his Dad whoever but the Dad just ignores it, it doesn't irritate him so he just lets the boy get away with it and ignores his wife's pleas to work with her on the parenting skills she learns at a special class. He is just so checked out of family life and being a good dad its really sad, his kids pick up on this and I think its a big part why they act out because they sense he can't be bothered with them and to get his attention. Its really sad. I do think he finds family life overwhelming and even when he gets time to spend with his wife he often sits in the other room watching sports in the kitchen while his wife is in the living room. I hear a lot of guys are quite similar and it makes me think, what is the point?

I’ve seen this many times, too. It’s such a vicious circle as they don’t get the emotional rewards of connection with their children. I think a ‘come to Jesus’ talk followed by getting out of Dodge if he doesn’t change is best in these cases. Often fathers, even shitty ones, are better when the kids are older. I think a culture where women are welcomed back after a few years of foot off the pedal at work while the kids are young, and men are encouraged to step back a bit and step up at home eg ages 7-16, would better meet the biological realities of childrearing. Obv with room for individual choice - lots of dads are great with their children from day 1.

Speaking of being a working mother. An article my head of site posted on social media. I feel pressure to have someone else pick my kids up in emergencies and feel guilty if I do it. It's quite toxic.
https://www.linkedin.com/posts/clarerawlinsonmalone_parentingequally-genderequality-feminismintheworkplace-activity-7267522257969729536-CKTt

I believe that statistically a man who is a SAHD or the lower earner is much more likely to be divorced by his wife. So this suggests a lot of women prefer the traditional dynamic, even if elements of it could be much improved.

Absolutely bang on!

As a society we seem to value money above all else - caring roles have been devalued.

It seems like many of the issues here would be improved if childcare was valued and not seen as unpaid and easy.

If childcare was seen as valuable, mins who do it would be valued. And more dads would choose to do it and be valued too.

And I think the Scandinavian system of paternity leave where the dads commonly do full time childcare for their 1 year old is great. It sets a norm of dad care and means dads really have to learn to do the full difficult bits and get the rewards that come from spending lots of time with a small child. It should set things up for more equal parenting over the next years.